Paul: It’s Digital Championship Wrestling, live from the DCW Arena! As always I’m Paul Franzen, and with me again, thank God, is Eric “Where’s the Eric?” Regan, who was replaced shamefully by Smarter Child last month. No one can replace you, Eric!
Eric: Damn straight! I AM THE BEST! Or at least better than a BOT. A bot, man?! How could you replace me with a bot?!!
Paul: I didn’t have a choice! You were off playing World of Warcraft or something, and I was left all alone at ringside!
Eric: Maan I was nursing a foot injury!! STOP BELITTLING ME. Enough about me; I think our new ref is about the announce this month’s contestants.
Paul: Why is our ref doing that?? I thought ring announcer Mike Rotundo was supposed to take care of announcing duties…
Eric: Rotundo quit, he hates you, didn’t you hear? But enough about your poor personality, the warriors are making their way to the ring!
Paul: Man, all I did was ask him about his boat.. okay, there we are then! Now entering the ring is Toan, who we all of COURSE know from the PlayStation 2’s Dark Cloud.
Eric: Gauging by the crowd’s reaction I am not so sure about that of COURSE you threw in their Paul, but popular or not the kid does have style. Look at that poncho, bright orange even!
Paul: Oh yes, nothing says fearsome like a grappler clad in neon orange. And look, there’s his opponent, the hero from Hyrule, the savvy and smooth swordsman, the Legend of Zelda’s Heart, Link! I don’t think this is the first time Link has stepped into the DCW Arena, eh Eric?
Eric: No it is not! I am sure all the big wigs upstairs were clamoring to get him back in the ring after his fine showing in our SUPER UBER FANTASTIC battle royal!
Paul: That’s right! In the span of one match, Link managed to defeat Babik Nurn, E. Honda, Bubsy, AND the fried shrimp monster from Monster Party, before being felled to shady circumstances. I think he’s looking to recoup his loses tonight!
Eric: And what better opponent to recoup on than Sony’s not-so-subtle attempt at a Link of their own?! This should be a classic, as the new guard tries to take down the old guard!
Paul: Personally Eric, I’ve got my bets on the new guard — Link’s getting kind of old, kind of haggard, and I’m not sure he’s still got it in him.
Eric: OLD?! The man turns into a child in every other game he is featured in!!
Paul: So what if he was seven just a few years ago? He’s gotta be in his 20s by now, and that’s ancient by video game standards.
Eric: I wouldn’t say that too loud Paul, not when Mario is our plumber anyhow. Well both contestants are ready and in the ring, let the stare down begin!
Paul: This isn’t much of a stare down Eric, is it? Toan isn’t even making eye-contact with Link! He’s glancing around all fearfully, as though he’s hoping someone might come to his rescue.
Eric: Well apparently someone forgot to equip his balls of steel today — that isn’t going to bode well as he is facing the steeliest of veterans tonight!
Paul: Toan is backing away slowly.. ever so slowly.. towards the ropes behind him. Think he’s trying to make an escape?
Eric: He sure looks that way… but wait! Link is making a charge straight at Toan. This one is NOT going to be pretty, Paul.
Paul: Don’t be too hasty! Just as Link reached Toan, the youngster ducked down and flipped the veteran over the top rope and down to the concrete floor!
Eric: OUCH! The new kid has some wily tricks in him yet! This might actually be a fight.
Paul: You can’t expect anything less from Toan the mighty! Link’s hesitating a little in getting back to the ring though.. I wonder what that’s all about…
Eric: It looks like his nose is busted up and bleeding already! That cant be good for the favorite!
Paul: And here I thought Link was tougher than that. Maybe he had us all fooled during his battle royal outing. Do you think he could’ve paid off his opponents to make him look good? I know that pot-smashing business he’s got is pretty lucrative.
Eric: Link the rupee king is a fraud?! We may have stumbled upon the controversy of the century! Let’s hope Link can step up and put these nasty rumors we are spreading about him to rest.
Paul: Clutching his bleeding nose, Link slides back into the ring but is IMMEDIATELY assaulted by Toan! I mean, this kid is all over him… punches, kicks, elbows.. it’s a veritable mugging!
Eric: Yes! It sure is not looking good for Link.. BUT WAIT! He has taken the pint-sized tyke and flung him clear across the ring, right into the turnbuckle! DOWN GOES Toan, face first onto the canvas.
Paul: Ouch! Link’s running over to the fallen Toan, but instead of laying the smackdown on the n00b, Link’s removing the turnbuckle pad. That sure isn’t gonna help his “clean” meter fill up!
Eric: Link may be underestimating this kid… or this kid is in for the most excruciating beatdown of his life! One of those I am sure.
Paul: Link’s dragging Toan up to his feet by the hair, and just slamming, slamming, slamming the poor kid’s face against the exposed turnbuckle. I think he’s trying to break Toan’s nose!
Eric: A nose for a nose as they say, eh Paul? …don’t ask me who says though.
Paul: Who says it, Eric?
Eric: GODAMNYOUSHUTYOURFACEUPRIGHTNOW , look at that!! Toan managed to slip out of Links grasp can went for the school boy!
Paul: One… not even a two count Eric! Bloody nose and all, the legendary Link is a force to be reckoned with.
Eric: Yes, Toan is learning a very important life lesson: Don’t mess with the fairy boys in green dresses.
Paul: That side of the ring is now a crimson mess — broken noses abound will lead to that, after all. And apparently it leads to more than that! BOTH our competitors have just slipped on their own blood and fallen face-first onto the canvas! That sure won’t help their noses much, I’d wager!
Eric: Didn’t that canvas used to be white, Paul?! This has to be our bloodiest match yet! It doesn’t seem that either combatant is getting up anytime soon, either.
Paul: DCW’s new referee is counting the two fallen heroes out! 1.. 2.. 3.. We better hope Tatanka doesn’t reach ten, Eric — our fans aren’t gonna be too happy about that.
Eric: He may have to go into his old song and dance routine to keep them happy!
Paul: 4… 5.. this has got to be the slowest count I’ve ever seen! He certainly doesn’t count like Marty Jannetty, who left our ranks earlier this month for join the World Wrestling Entertainment. We made that boy famous!
Eric: HE IS NOTHING WITHOUT US I SAY!! Err I mean, we all wish him the best of luck.
Eric: 6… 7… 8… this is gonna be close one Paul.
Paul: For the love of God, don’t let it end like this! We’ve already had a few countout endings in our history and we’ve only had like six matches…
Eric: These virtual characters sure don’t seem to have the stamina and constitution of real people, eh?
Paul: 9… I suppose not! 9.4.. 9.67… YES, THANK YOU JESUS, LINK HAS gotten up!! And he’s taking Toan up with him! This match isn’t over yet, Eric — not by a long shot.
Eric: BIG BOOT TO TOAN! He is latterly flying out of the ring and lands… RIGHT on the steel steps. I think he will be feeling that one tomorrow!
Paul: Link’s climbing the turnbuckle and sailing right after Toan! Elbow STRAIGHT to the youngsters heart, but Link isn’t through with him yet.
Eric: Look at the fire in his eyes; he really seems to have something to prove. JUST END IT LINK! No need to vanquish this foe!
Paul: Link is picking Toan up OVER HIS HEAD and carrying him over to the Elven announcer’s table! This NEVER turns out well Eric…
Eric: Oh the humanity, I can barely watch this dismantling. I doubt toan will ever be the same again!
Paul: He’s flipping Toan over on his head and YES, PILEDRIVER STRAIGHT THROUGH THE ELVEN ANNOUNCER’S TABLE!! GOOD GAWD ALL-MIGHTY, TOAN IS BROKEN IN HALF LIKE A GOVERNMENT MULE.
Eric: I sure miss my government mule.. just a kid a his government mule.. those were the days.. what action we have for you tonight! Link is dragging toan back into the ring, laying him straight in the center. Oooh and really rubbing this in Paul, he is going for the one foot pin!
Paul: C’mon, baby! One, two, three, and this one is over! Wow, I’ve never see someone actually score a pinfall with the C’mon, baby! pin.
Eric: Jericho would be proud!
Paul: Folks, believe it or not, that’s it! After a shaky start Link went on to absolutely DOMINATE his imitator, showing the world that even he can defeat a cheap rip-off.
Eric: DAMN YOU CHEAP RIP OFFS! What a night for digital wrestling! I sure hope we have a good cleaning crew.
Paul: Maybe we can get Jim Duggan on the case! For Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen, and we’ll (well, with any luck it’ll be WE) see you next month on Digital Championship Wrestling!