Chapter Twenty-Three
Enrique
Enrique: I’ll drive if ya want.
Render: Well, I can’t say I didn’t see this coming
Narrator: Me either. Enrique is never allowed to drive again.
Enrique: !!
Rivers: Hey, you can’t just make decisions like that, can you?
Narrator: Of course I can—I’m the narrator. Watch: The group missed an entire issue due to Enrique driving while not having a clue where he was going and getting them lost for months, and he was therefore never allowed to drive the ship again. See? So it is narrated, and it cannot be undone.
River: The power…
Jonathan: So, where are we?
????: Who are we, eh?? EH??
Render: What?
????: Silence!
Render: …
????: WHO are you?!
Rivers: W…
????: Silence!
Enrique: Annoying…
Render: Tell me about it. Who’s the annoying guy? Where are you?
????: Silence! We are the rulers of this island! You are trespassing!
Render: Oh for crying out loud, why are we always on a damned island?
Rivers: How big does a land mass actually have to be for it to stop being considered an island, though? ‘Cause when you think about it, if the world is surrounded by water, every land mass is an island, right?
Jonathan: That is a good point…
Enrique: Totally.
????: Such disrespect! Charge forth, my brothers!
Render: Ah… So they are coming.
????: We are almost upon you! Fear for your lives!!
Render: What? Where are you?
Jonathan: Look! There, at the ground!
Enrique: Holy spoontasms Captain!
Rivers: It’s a regular spoonanza!!
Render: Spoon people!
Enrique: We need some yogurt people, man.
Spoon Lord: WHAT?!!
Render: I don’t even like yogurt that much, but you’re right, Enrique.
Spoonlad: First the dragon comes, and now there’s all these sexy giants wanting to eat us! Oh ho ho this is simply unbearable!!
Rivers: Sexy, eh?
Render: Dragon?
Spoonlad: Oh ho ho, yes!! A couple weeks ago this horrible dragon came to this island! He has been terrorizing us with his terrible howling and wailing night and day!
Spoon Lord: Enough!! Do not waste your time explaining things to these outsiders; they were just on their way out!
Jonathan: Perhaps we can help you.
Spoon Lord: Ha! As if you are any match for a dragon!
Render: Well, we sure haven’t seen this dragon, but we know at least Enrique here can take out a giant singing sea bear with his “bear” hands.
Rivers: Aaaaahahhaahahahahhahahaha!
Render: Aahhhhahhahhhhhaaahahahahahahhahaa!
Enrique: Wow… that was pretty sad.
Render: No, it was hilarious.
Spoon Lord: Him?? He took on a giant singing sea bear by himself?!
Enrique: Indeed.
Spoonlad: Hooray, great adventurers! Our saviors!
Jonathan: Well then, I guess we best get going.
Narrator: And so the four adventurers, accompanied by Spoon Lord and Spoonlad, set off for the dragon’s lair. As they got closer, they could hear the horrible screeching and screaming growing louder and louder.
Render: Good lord, that’s the most horrible sound I’ve ever heard.
Enrique: d00d, my ears are bleedin’.
Jonathan: Yes, it is quite disturbing.
Rivers: Oh, come on guys, it’s not that bad.
Narrator: Actually, it was just that bad.
Rivers: No, it…
Narrator: SO IT IS NARRATED, SO IT SHALL BE!
Rivers: Whatever.
Spoonlad: Ho ho ho here we go! These sexy lads off to slay the dragon and save the spoon nation! Hooray hooray what a glorious day!
Enrique: This d00d is creeping me out, man.
Rivers: Sexy eh… iiiiiinteresting…
Render: Don’t worry about it, we’re almost there, and this noise is really getting to me.
Narrator: Several painful moments later they all arrived at the dragon’s lair.
Render: Ugh… This noise is disgusting… I’m so irritated, I want to vomit.
Jonathan: Wait… doesn’t that sound like…
Enrique: Like crap, YES!
Rivers: It’s singing!
Render: No, that crap really can’t be considered singing, I’m sorry.
Jonathan: Yes, it’s bad, but… there’s distinct words…
Dragon’s Voice: Baby, I used to think you were so sweet
Honey, I wish I could massage your feet
Baby, I loved every juice you’d secrete
BUT YOU STUPID WHORE WHY’D YOU HAVE TO CHEAT?!
Enrique: Oh god no…
Jonathan: Jordan…
Render: It’s worse than I thought. This isn’t just any dragon…
Spoon Lord & Spoonlad: What kind is it?!
Render: It’s… an Emo Dragon.
Rivers: Jeez, it’s not that bad! Let it go already!
Narrator: This was probably the gravest situation our spoon-proclaimed sexy heroes had ever been in. So horrible… so horrible…
Rivers: IT’S NOT THAT BAD!
Emo Dragon: WHO DARES DISTURB MY EMOTIONAL LIFE REFLECTION?!
Render: Oh crap…
Spoonlad: Oh great sexy Enrique, champion of the giant singing sea bear! Hear my plea and destroy this Emo Dragon!
Enrique: Eh…
Jonathan: Well, someone’s gotta fight it…
Which Gate Do You Choose?
All For One!
Jonathan: I think we should all go, that way we have a better chance of defeating it.
Fyoooooooooozhuuun!
Render: Okay, you don’t mind this junk Rivers, why don’t you go deal with him?
The Great Mighty Sexy!
Spoonlad: Enrique my sexy hero! Show me your power!
Enrique: Ehhh…
I Hate You All.
Narrator: As Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora stepped closer to the lair to see how close the Emo Dragon was to reaching them, Rivers placed his finger on his nose. The rest of the group noticed this, and likewise placed their fingers on their noses before the good captain could turn around.
Render: Okay, he’s… Oh what the hell? I hate you people.
Rivers: Nose goes, man. You’re it.
This poll ends on June 7.
