Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling, live from the GameCola Arena! I’m Paul Franzen, and with me this eve is Eric Regan, and we are ready, absolutely ready, to provide you with some of the most entertaining pro-wrestling this Internet has to offer.
Eric: Not just the Internet Paul, the world! THE WORLD!
Paul: But is the world ready for tonight’s main event? I submit that they might not be, Eric!
Eric: Nice, Paul. Anymore lines from comics who steal my last name you would care to use?
Eric: But you ARE correct! This shall be one LEGENDARY night here at DCW.
Paul: And why might that be, Enrique?
Eric: Because! TONIGHT! It the unveiling on the first DCW.. INFERNO match.
Eric: With fire and EVERYTHING!!!
Paul: My God, an inferno match?! You don’t mean the type of match where the only way you win is to set your opponent on fire… DO YOU??
Eric: YES I DO INDEED, PAUL.
Paul: Land sakes! Who could we possibly have signed for this match? What two souls could possibly be brave enough? WHO IN THE GAMING WORLD COULD POSSIBLY WRESTLE WITH SUCH STIPULATIONS?!
Eric: Well you know when you think of INFERNO, only two GRAND, EPIC and POWERFUL names come to mind.
Eric: That’s right! Peach and Zelda.
Paul: …
Paul: You’re joking.
Paul: Now Eric, tell us them who’s really in tonight’s main event!
Eric: Joking? How could that possibly be construed as a JOKE?! No other video game all-stars could possibly been considered for this match!
Paul: They’re girls.
Paul: I think that about says it all, really. No need to elaborate.
Paul: So! Who is REALLY FIGHTING TONIGHT GODDAMMIT.
Eric: Tsk tsk. A bit sexist, aren’t we Mr. Franzen?
Eric: If they aren’t in this battle EXTRAVAGANZA, please explain to me why they are making their way down to the ring, RIGHT NOW.
Paul: Well.. I.. if you’re trying to pull a fast one on me Eric, so help me God, I’ll replace you with Headbanger Mosh! I’ll do it!
Eric: Pfft, Mosh can never match my verbal excellence. Perhaps you should pay better attention to what you let get booked on your show!
Paul: Whatever man, let’s just get this match started with. Oh look, there’s our new senior official, Pete Gas!
Eric: It’s so nice to finally see someone move up in this company. *sniffles* I’M TOUCHED.
Paul: Well, he wouldn’t have moved up if we didn’t have to fire Tatanka. The nerve of him to appear on WWE television while under DCW contract! The absolute nerve!
Eric: Yes, you sure can pick them, can’t you Paul?
Eric: Well it looks like the match is about to start! Look at those flames flare up.
Paul: Whew, I can feel the heat from here! Imagine what it must feel like in the ring for our two divas!
Eric: They preferred to be called Princesses Paul, and after seeing the intensity glaring in their eyes, i think we should oblige them.
Paul: I’m not so sure that’s intensity; I think Peach just wants to bake Mario a cake or something.
Eric: Oooh burn. I sure hope they can’t hear you Paul. Or that may just be a Kidney Pie. A Franzen Kidney Pie
Eric: AND THERE IS THE BELL! It’s go time. my friends.
Paul: Flames are leaping from all the turnbuckles, and our ring ropes are ablaze! I sure hope someone’s going to pay for all of this.
Eric: You know that someone is you, don’t you?
Paul: The two princesses are locking horns! Zelda tries to push Peach down to the mat, Peach tries to push down Zelda… I don’t think either’s getting any sort of advantage!
Eric: Wait it seems like Peach has grabbed a hold of Zelda’s shoulders, and the two are spinning around wildly!
Paul: Round and around and around they go! I’m getting dizzy just watching them, Eric!
Eric: And Peach lets go and Zelda goes flying! RIGHT for the ropes too, this may not be pretty.. but wait! Zelda plants her feet and flips onto her hands.. a mule kick right to Peach’s face! OH MY.
Paul: Can you believe the athleticism of these two dames? I never would’ve seen that coming, personally. Peach is stumbling backward towards the flaming ropes; she’d better be careful!
Eric: Indeed she should! One more step back and she could be a flambe.
Paul: She’s stopped, mere centimeters from the flames! Shaking the cobwebs out now, but I’ve gotta wonder what Zelda’s got in mind now.
Eric: Zelda looks as if she is about to set up another stunning feat of athleticism.. but wait! Within the blink of an eye Peach has rapidly charged Zelda, planting her elbow firmly in Zelda’s gut!
Paul: Zelda’s hunched over, and Peach is wrapping her arm around the elven maiden’s head! AND SHE DROPS! DDT, face-first onto the canvas.
Eric: THAT is going to sting!! Peach is celebrating wildly as Zelda lays motionless on the canvas; that is not very sporting.
Paul: No it’s not, and I’m sure that’s gonna cost her! Showboating never ends well in the WWE, at least
Eric: Zelda’s eyes have suddenly popped open! She is grabbing Peach’s ankle… and oh my… Zelda has just locked in an anklelock!
Paul: How did she do that?? As soon as she grabbed Peaches ankle the Mushroom Kingdom princess fell right down to the mat, and boy, does Zelda ever have that move on tight.
Eric: Yes she does Paul, and unfortunately, I don’t think getting to the ropes will be of much help tonight!
Paul: Oh man, good point! How on earth is Peach gonna get out of this move before Zelda breaks her friggin’ ankle right off?!
Eric: It might take a miracle! Because by the sound of that scream I am not sure how much longer she can stay conscience!
Paul: Folks, I think this match is just about over, it’s only a matter of time before Peach passes… wait… wait… do you see what she’s doing?? Eric, Peach is… I’m not even sure WHAT she’s doing! She appears to be arching her back and turning herself over! Zelda still has the anklelock in, but Zelda is reaching back, grabbing Zelda’s middle, pulling herself back towards PEACH’S ankle!
Eric: A DOUBLE anklelock?!
Eric: I have never seen this before!
Paul: Me either Eric, but it’s happening LIVE on DCW! How is Peach so flexible??
Eric: Well, she must have been in the castle with the good aerobic equipment. No wonder it took so long to find her!
Eric: Now both contestants are on the ground, opponent’s ankle in hand and rolling around on the canvas, teetering ever close to those dreaded flames!
Paul: Can you imagine the pain both of them must be going through?? People usually submit to that move within SECONDS, and here these girls have been lasting minutes!
Eric: I have never witnessed such endurance Paul,;it is a truly remarkable sight! But still, someone is going to break first.
Paul: But who will it be? Both of these women are so determined, they’re both showing such tenacity; it’s as if they’d rather die than submit to the other!
Eric: It sure seems that way Paul.. but what is that.. what just happened!? They both seem to be free of each others death grip!
Paul: ..what?? How?? They were both SOLIDLY locked in!
Eric: It seems that their fierce struggles took a lot out of both of them and they could not keep it up. Both combatants are staggering, trying to get back up!
Paul: Looks like they’re both back up now, and we are back to square one! Two maidens in the middle of the ring, just trying to set fire to one another.
Eric: A noble quest indeed!
Eric: It looks like a lick of flame has impeded Peach’s vision! She is covering her eyes, and this could be just the opening Zelda needs.
Paul: While Peach is blinded Zelda is sneaking up behind her, all stealth-like. Reaching her arms up, and Zelda has applied a full-nelson to Peach! Let’s see if you can break this masterlock, Princess!
Eric: Zelda is violently shaking her! I dont think Peach has much of a chance now.
Eric: But wait.. Zelda is slowly backing up as she applies the pressure… she isn’t paying any attention to the flames!
Paul: Zelda, be careful!! You’re about to get burned!
Eric: Oh no! THERE SHE GOES!
Eric: Her dress has gone ablaze.
Paul: Her dress has burned right off, and Zelda has been inadvertently stripped down t her undies! But look Eric, look! SHE hasn’t been burned yet! She tossed Peach to the ground and she’s running away from the flames before she catches blaze herself!
Eric: But she cannot escape the mayhem Paul! Look, a spark has begun to engulf her dress as well.
Paul: Who’s, Zelda’s?? Her dress has already burnt to a crisp man, keep up!
Eric: No man, Peach you FOOL! Are you not watching?!
Paul: Sorry, my eyes are distracted at the moment… but boy are they ever distracted even more now! Peach’s dress is gone too!
Eric: It’s pure INSANITY, Paul! You’d think it was one of those lame- ass bra and panties matches.
Paul: We really should get somebody out there to help them cover up.
Eric: No Paul! There still has been no winner declared and these GLADIATORS are not going to stop until its over.
Paul: No, but at the moment they seem a lot more concerned with not exposing themselves to the world than they are with winning this matchup!
Eric: Blasphemy! They are warriors and their only goal is winning! Just LOOK at that superkick peach just planted on Zelda; that isn’t the action of a quitter, Paul!
Paul: Neither is this! Zelda’s still on the ground from that kick but she’s diving right at Peach’s legs, taking the mushroom princess down too! Now Zelda’s getting back to HER feet and picking Peach up by the ankles.
Paul: You know what? I think she’s going for that move from No Mercy: “The Big Swing.”
Eric: That could spell the end for the Mushroom Kingdom!
Paul: Zelda’s let go of Peach in an attempt to send her hurtling towards the flames, but Peach has wrapped her legs around Zelda and performed a modified hurricanrana!
Paul: But this once again leaves both divas on the ground.
Paul: Zelda is crawling, crawling towards Peach, and she’s grabbed the princess by the face.
Eric: Is that… the Crippler Crossface!?
Paul: I don’t think it is, Eric!
Paul: Zelda is pulling Peach by the face to the flames!
Eric: Ehh I don’t know if that is such a great idea Paul; she is getting a bit to close herself!
Paul: I think she knows what she’s doing, man!
Eric: I sure hope!
Paul: Zelda has reached her destination: the flaming turnbuckle. And she’s putting Peach’s face right into the fire!
Eric: Oooh, that is going to leave a mark!
Eric: That’s it, this match is OVER.
Paul: A nigh-on anticlimactic ending to one of the most vicious matches DCW has ever seen, I’d say!
Eric: iI was as savage as they come; that is for sure.
Paul: After that epic encounter, all we’re left with is two partially nude princess, one whose head is not unlike the head of a used match.
Eric: Let’s just hope Nintendo doesn’t send any lawsuits our way.
Paul: We hope you all enjoyed tonight’s edition of Digital Championship Wrestling, and we’ll see you again next month!
