Paul: The crowd is on its feet, and our great fans can’t wait to see what we’ve got for them next! Hello everyone I’m Paul Franzen, alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and we’re here tonight to bring you what is an absolutely historic event: The Dino Riki Invitational Battle Royal.
Eric: After witnessing last years fantastic bonanza, I just can’t wait to see what those digital characters can put together tonight!
Paul: You’re in for a long one tonight fans, so let’s get this show on the road as quickly as possible!
Paul: First, though, the rules: Two men start out in this fabled contest, and as soon as one is eliminated, another combatant enters the match.
Paul: You can only be eliminated by being thrown over the top rope and having both your feet touch the floor.
Paul: There are ten, ten, TEN people in this match, and I think it’s about time we got it underway! Tell them who the first entrant is, Eric!
Eric: It seems to be that metallic mischief-maker Clank who, before tonight, seemed to have just disappeared off the face of the Earth. Good to have you back, Clank!
Paul: As Clank enters the ring wrestler number two is making his way down the entrance ramp, and… yes, it’s Dirk the Daring, from the Dragon’s Lair games! I gotta think that Dirk’s got the size advantage in this one, Eric!
Eric: Size vs… uh… metal: That CLASSIC battle is being played out yet again.
Paul: Dirk slides under the bottom rope and into the squared circle, like all great champions do, and this match is started! Clank ambles quickly towards Dirk, under his leg, and goes for the low blow right away! He’s got that claw clamped tightly on Dirk’s most private of parts! Man, this match got dirty rather quickly.
Eric: Ouch! That just can’t be legal.
Paul: It is in the Dino Riki Invitational, Eric! Absolutely no holds are barred in this contest.
Eric: Be strong, Dirk!
Paul: Clank is pulling Dirk by the gonads toward the ropes, and I gotta wonder what his plan of action is from here. There’s no way he can lift the Daring high enough to win this bout!
Eric: Never underestimate the power of bionics, Paul! Who knows what kinda hydraulics that menacing bot is retrofitted with!
Paul: Dirk’s eyes are tearing from the pain—I bet if this were a regular match, Eric, Dirk would be tapping right this second! Clank releases the hold though, and Dirk collapses in a crumpled heap down to the floor of the ring.
Eric: I dont think he will be much use to anyone for a while, but the question remains: Will Clank be able to get this lifeless lump over the top rope?
Paul: Clank pushes Dirk out of the ring under the bottom rope, but of course, he can’t win that way. Didn’t anyone explain the rules to him before the match started?
Eric: Perhaps no one downloaded the parameters to his hard drive.
Paul: Referee Pete Gas helps Dirk to his feet, and gently boosts Mr. Daring up to the ring apron. Gagging, Dirk steps over the top rope, one foot first, and then the other.
Paul: But while he’s doing this, Clank was racing back and forth across the ring, gaining momentum!
Paul: With one lightning-quick movement Clank dives through the air and kicks Dirk right in the face, dropkicking him right back over the top rope.
Paul: What sound strategy!
Eric: Ooh but, I dont think he thought about the landing! He seems to be suffering a bit of that crash.
Paul: I’m surprised he didn’t sail over the top rope himself! He better get up quickly though; his next opponent is already making his way to the ring.
Eric: It’s that monster known only as… TAK!
Paul: And… yes, I think he’s even got the Staff of Dreams! Wow, I can’t believe anyone actually played enough of the game to pick that one up.
Eric: Well that just shows you that no one can stop Tak from achieving his goals, not even a world who doesn’t give a damn about him! He may be in this for the long haul with that kind of tenacity.
Paul: Tak bounds up to the ring apron and bounds over the top rope. He stands right next to the still-fallen Clank, who apparently has yet to recover from kicking Dirk in the face. Man, what a weenie.
Eric: Well, metal and bolts aren’t usually know for their flexiness and agilty, Paul!
Eric: FLEXINESS!
Paul: Tak gazes down at Clank… is that love i see in his eyes? No matter, no matter. Tak is quick to capitalize on Clank’s own offense, trying with all his might to pick up the wee robot.
Eric: Not with that body! It might take six Taks just to lift the Clank-man
Paul: Clank’s circuits flicker back to life, and I think Tak might just be in trouble! Tak’s managed to get Clank a few inches in the air now, but it might all be for naught, as Clank quickly scuttles his way out of Taks arms, landing hard on the bare foot of the Nickelodeon warrior.
Eric: Tak is DOWN, screeching like a 4-year-old and holding onto his dear foot; what happened to that warrior we knew just moments ago?
Paul: While Tak is hobbling around the ring, grabbing his foot and yelping “MY TOE! MY TOE!” Clank is climbing to the top rope. He goes flying, headed straight for Tak, and… he misses!
Paul: Clank just went sailing right over the top rope, and he doesn’t seem to be stopping!
Paul: My god, he’s headed right for timekeeper Bull Buchanan!
Eric: Whew, as long as it isn’t a member of our beloved audience. We couldn’t handle another lawsuit.
Paul: Too true! And there’s more important things to worry about right now, as entrant number four in the Dino Riki Invitational has already hit the ring.
Paul: YES, it’s Banjo!
Paul: From Banjo Kazooie!
Paul: You know, that cutesy Rare N64 platformer!
Eric: Is he the bird thing or the, umm.. other thing…?
Paul: He’s the bear, man. The bear! Don’t you see the friggin’ BEAR standing in the middle of the ring?!
Eric: Well when you started to mention Banjo Kazooie, I got sick to my stomach just a little and had to look away… I mean! WOW! That FEROCIOUS Banjo looks ready to take this contest to a new level!
Paul: Tak, thankfully, has recovered from his severe toe-bashing, and he’s geared up and ready to take on this fiendish foe!
Eric: Bear vs. small child: yet another classic match up that you can only find here, on DCW!
Paul: Our combatants are circling the ring, just looking for that one opportune moment to strike. Tak dashes right at Banjo, staff flailing, hoping to do some sort of damage; but alas, Banjo raises his right paw and slashes Tak right in the mouth.
Eric: The cartoonish bear is going for some uncharacteristically violent actions here tonight, Paul! He means business!
Paul: Tak is quick to his feet and… oh wait, no he’s not, he’s fallen right back down. Banjo lumbers towards Tak obviously looking to do something quite evil to our hero. Banjo picks Tak up over his shoulders and starts spinning around in a circle! YES! The Airplane Spin to Tak!
Eric: The fabled Airplane Spin, one of the more devastating moves seen here at DCW. This might spell doom to the pint-sized staff-searcher.
Paul: Banjo drops Tak but both are dizzy now; maybe that wasn’t such a smooth move! Banjo’s the first to regain his senses though and slashes at Tak again! And again! And again! By GOD, that bear is positively mauling Tak!
Eric: Somebody stop this slaughter! Poor Bull will be cleaning up Tak bits for weeks!
Paul: Finally Banjo has had enough, and he just tosses what’s left of poor Tak out of the ring. This takes him a few minutes though, as there are several various bits of pieces of Tak in the ring, and Banjo wants to make sure he does a proper job of it.
Eric: I, for one, will never be able to look at the cover of a Banjo game quite the same ever again.
Eric: Though, I still probably won’t be able to look at the cover of Tak’s game.
Paul: With that taken care of… well mostly, anyway, as there’s still quite a bit of blood soaking into the ring now, and I see what appears to be an eyeball just kinda sitting there… well regardless, our next grappler is hitting the ring! Who is it, Eric?
Eric: Yes who IS that, exactly? He appears to be even smaller than Tak… where do we FIND these guys? Yes, that’s right it is the DIABOLICAL… Daxter, from Jak and Daxter fame.
Paul: I guess Dino Riki must have a thing for those platformers, as he’s only invited all these kiddie characters into the ring so far! Daxter’s the rabbit-thing, right?
Eric: Yeah, that uh, whatever animal that was so loved they would certainly never leave him out of their newest installment.
Paul: Before Daxter can even make it completely into the the ring he slips on the spilt blood of Tak—this sure doesn’t bode well, man.
Eric: Look at him go! He just slid over half the distance of the canvas! Brilliant maneuver.
Paul: Banjo’s right on his heels as Daxter slides over to the side of the ring, lifting him up into the air and clean over the top rope! He used Dax’s own momentum to eliminate him!
Eric: Damnation! I thought he was really on to something with that slip-and-fall-in-the-blood strategy.
Paul: Our next combatant is charging his way into the ring, being careful not to slip on anyone’s blood or eyeballs or intestines or anything of that sort, and he glides right into the ring!
Paul: Ecco the Dolphin is now flopping all over the squared circle, and I’m starting to wonder what sort of battle royal this is, anyway.
Eric: ….
Eric: ECCO?! How can ECCO be in a battle?!
Eric: He doesn’t even have arms OR feet, for that matter!!
Paul: Banjo doesn’t know what to make of Ecco! He’s got this confused look on his face, but he quickly discards that, dropping a few elbows on our fish-out-of-sea.
Eric: And Ecco responds with a few DEVASTATING helpless flaps around the ring.
Paul: He’s not looking so helpless right now, Eric! THWACK! He’s whipping Banjo over and over with his tail! THWACK THWACK! Banjo is staggering! THWACK HE’S RIGHT NEAR THE ROPES THWACK THWACK.
Eric: Is this the end of the blood-crazed bear?! Defeated by the mere tail of a out-of-water dolphin??
Paul: Sure is! One more thwack in the face and Banjo falls head-over-heels over the top rope.
Eric: That’s just the kind of unpredictability you find at the Dino Riki invitational!
Paul: Who’s our next combatant, Eric?
Eric: Our NEXT hungry combatant is… that beloved hero of Final Fantasy 4, Cecil!
Paul: And what great timing for this legendary role-playing hero! After all, his game is about to be re-released on the Game Boy Advance, and I’d wager you could buy it at all major gaming-retailers!
Eric: Nice plug! He sure will be happy with that one, although losing to a dolphin might not help sales.
Paul: Well if Cecil’s been watching the match he’ll be privy to Ecco’s “flop” strategy, and thus be quite able to counter it!
Eric: No dilly-dallying for this hero! Look! He has sprung in to action and now has the dolphin by its tail.
Paul: He’s swinging Ecco through the air with the greatest of ease, and slamming him against the turnbuckle! And again! And again! And now he’s in the middle of the ring, swinging Ecco with all his little heart, and he lets go.
Eric: The dolphin goes sailing! We’ve had our share of airborne creatures today, haven’t we?
Paul: We sure have! But I’ve gotta wonder, Eric…. Was Ecco really eliminated? He doesn’t quite have the whole “feet hitting the floor” thing down….
Paul: Well, no matter! With that wily dolphin taken care of, Cecil now has coming up what could easily be the biggest challenge of his career. Yes: Even bigger than whoever the boss of FF4 was.
Paul: Mr. Mosquito.
Eric: ….
Eric: Yes, this will sure be an epic struggle. Do we get some magnifying glasses for this one?
Paul: Mr. Mosquito buzzes right into the ring, gunning right for Cecil’s neck!
Paul: Cecil quickly swats Mosquito away, in doing so knocking him over the top rope and down to the floor.
Eric: Well.
Eric: That certainly was quick.
Paul: WHO’S NEXT FOR CECIL.
Eric: Only the bravest, strongest of characters will be able to match this guy!
Paul: You don’t mean….?
Eric: That’s right Paul! The one, the only…. farmer from Harvest Moon!
Paul: ….
Paul: And you thought Ecco was lame.
Paul: Hoe in hand, the farmer dashes into the ring, ready to do combat with the famed Cecil.
Paul: Hoes and swords clash and slash, each enemy trying to outdo the other.
Eric: A standoff between two evenly-matched warriors?!
Paul: Surprisingly… yes! I’ve not seen such great swordsmanship since the fabled battles between Guybrush Threepwood and The Swordmaster of Melee Island!
Paul: Well, speak of the devil… is that Guybrush, coming out to ringside? What’s the meaning of this?
Eric: HEY! HE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
Paul: I’ve just gotten word Eric that he is, in fact, supposed to be here!
Paul: He’s the number ten entry, though he’s certainly not supposed to be actually entering yet!
Eric: Wait your turn!
Paul: Guybrush reaches under the bottom rope and grabs Cecil by the ankle, tripping him up and allowing for the farmer to take the advantage.
Eric: Ooh! That’s low.
Paul: The farmer takes this chance to drop down to the mat and apply the Crippler Crossface to Cecil! Cecil is tapping, but there’s no way you’re gonna win the match that way, farmer!
Eric: Jeez, who do we have explaining the rules to these guys!?
Paul: Meanwhile, Guybrush is ascending the top rope…. PETE GAS, DO YOUR JOB! GET THAT MAN OUT OF THERE!
Eric: You should stop scheduling their breaks for in the middle of matches
Paul: Five Star Frog Splash from Guybrush! Cecil and the farmer are dazed, and Guybrush isn’t helping matters any by picking them both up by the neck and slamming their heads into one another.
Eric: INSANITY ABOUNDS!! Absolute chaos! Isn’t there anyone who can control these savage beasts?!
Paul: Why yes! It’s our junior referee, Mark Jindrak! Jindrak is explaining the rules of the game to Threepwood while Cecil and the farmer are down and out. Guybrush isn’t listening, though, so Jindrak picks Guybrush up and just tosses him out of the ring!
Paul: Now folks, remember, Guybrush isn’t eliminated—he hasn’t even entered the match yet, technically!
Eric: LAME! Get that trash out of here! How dare he ruin this extravaganza.
Paul: Both our grapplers are back on their feet now, both brandishing their respective battlements. Thrust! Parry! Thrust! Parry! Thrust…. thrust…. uh oh, the farmer is down, and so is his weapon.
Paul: You know what this means, Eric.
Paul: We have a HOE DOWN, ladies and gentlemen!
Paul: Thank you, I’ll be here all night.
Eric: … I told you what would happen, but NO, you never listen. You will rue this day, Mr. Pun! RUE!!
Paul: But that one was good!
Paul: Real good!
Paul: Like, I’m still laughing uproariously from its goodness!
Eric: You are demented.
Paul: Cecil thrusts his trusty sword straight through the heart of the farmer, and I gotta think it’s elementary after this one. HOW MUCH BLOOD MUST WE SPILL BEFORE THE MATCH IS OVER.
Eric: A sword through the heart?! Jeez, doesn’t that like, KILL someone?!
Eric: A moment of silence for the brave farmer.
Paul: The moment is interrupted by Guybrush Threepwood, a mighty pirate, who is quick to leap into the ring and face the beast that is Cecil. Folks, one of these two men will be taking home all the glory in our battle royal!
Eric: We have a murderer and a troublemaker in our final; which one will be dirty enough to steal this elusive match?
Paul: Guybrush brandishes his own cutlass, and takes a vicious swipe right at Cecil’s neck! He misses, of course, and its carried forward by the momentum of it all.
Paul: Cecil grabs him by the head and DDTs him right to the mat, picks him up and then absolutely BLASTS him with a belly-to-belly suplex.
Paul: Guybrush is dazed and wandering towards the rope, and Cecil catches him with a closeline! Guybrush is eliminated!
Eric: Wow. Whatta ending!
Paul: You’ve never, ever seen an ending like that in that other promotion! I mean, a clothesline? BY GAWD.
Eric: Never in all my years, Paul. Never
Paul: Well that about wraps it up for Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen and for “Captain” Eric I’m saying good night, and thanks for all the fish.
