Paul: Live from the Jersey shore, it’s Digital Championship Wrestling! Hello everyone I’m Paul Franzen, alongside Eric “Sniffles” Regan, and this one sure promises to be a barnburner! Ain’t that right, Sniffles?
Eric: Didn’t we have enough of that Sniffles crap last month, Mr. Franzen?
Paul: Our fans demanded more Sniffles, Eric, and more Sniffles is what we’re gonna bring them!
Eric: You mean FAN, Paul—try not to exaggerate things here. It makes us look unprofessional.
Eric: But we DO have a fabulous matchup this evening, as we will finally be putting some bad blood behind these two anxious combatants.
Paul: That’s right! Last month Ecco the Dolphin put forth the challenge to Cecil, of Final Fantasy fame,who Ecco feels did not rightfully win the Dino Rikki Invitational Battle Royal.
Paul: You see, Ecco claims he should’ve been the victor because the only way to lose was by going over the top rope and having both feet hit the floor, and, as Ecco doesn’t have any feet, he should never have been eliminated.
Paul: But that’s enough recap for one night! Let’s get this match underway.
Eric: Here comes the two digital warriors now! Making their way to the ring.
Paul: Ring? I don’t see any ring, Eric—all I see is the sand, the surf, and a bevy of beauties in bikinis awaiting some fierce competition.
Eric: Yeah, that’s what I meant.
Eric: Ring and “the sand, the surf, and a bevy of beauties in bikinis awaiting some fierce competition” are practically synonyms.
Paul: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Sniffles never passed “Intro to the Sentence.”
Eric: I got an A in that class, thank you very much! AN A I SAYS.
Paul: And there he is, DCW fans around the world—Cecil, the hero from Final Fantasy IV. Not entirely dressed for a day at the beach, either; he’s got on his full battle garb, and he’s ready to fight.
Eric: And the dolphin is…well…there, naked just like every damn dirty fish.
Eric: WHAT KIND OF MORALS ARE THEY TEACHING THEIR CHILDREN!
Paul: He’s sporting the traditional garb of his ancestral warriors! Give the man some credit for knowing his history.
Eric: Uh huh, sure, whatever. Just for the record, I am giving him zero points of credit.
Paul: Timekeeper Bull Buchanan manages to ring the bell, and this contest is underway!
Eric: BUT WAIT! Who is that shadowy character lunging out of the waters, headed straight towards the feeble dolphin!
Paul: I have no idea, but Ecco is quick to disable the attacker with a quick slash of the fin, and this mysterious man plunges right into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Eric: I’m not so sure about that Paul! Look at the streams of reddened waters flowing from the fighter fish!
Paul: It’s only a flesh wound, Sniffles! Our brave warrior is still in this match. It’s gonna take more than a mere rapier to the fin to take out Ecco!
Paul: Cecil is trying for The Big Swing, a move that worked on Ecco during the battle royal; but it ain’t working so well now! The oozing blood makes Ecco’s tail too slippery to catch a hold of, and Ecco squirms easily out of Cecil’s grasp.
Eric: Yes, but he lands hard right into the scorching hot sand! That can’t be good for that open wound.
Paul: That sand might not be helping Ecco much, but I think that plastic children’s pail is, Sniffles! Ecco glides his tail under the pail, and, with a wail, sends the pail like hail to the chain mail of our Final Fantasy hero.
Eric: Pail like hail? I don’t even know what that one means, Chuckles! Enough with the same sounding endings; I told you I passed that damn English class! I don’t need a rehash!
Eric: Though, I don’t see how much effect a plastic bucket has on a chain mail-clad head.
Paul: Chuckles? Tell me you didn’t just call me Chuckles.
Paul: FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME.
Paul: The plastic pail dinks right off of Cecil’s head, and our hero appears to be wavering!
Paul: Meanwhile, Ecco glides effortlessly back into the ocean.
Eric: Cecil is taking a moment to go over his options; meeting the water-loving mammal on his own terms doesn’t seem to be very appetizing to the brave warrior.
Paul: Instead he leaps onto Ecco’s back, using it as a springboard to hop back onto the sand, where he awaits a non-aquatic attack.
Eric: The two are at a stalemate! Staring each other down, waiting for the other to make his move.
Paul: Cecil’s the first to blink, as he bends down, picks up a sea-shell, and lobs it right at Ecco.
Paul: Ever the ready dolphin, Ecco winds his tail up and brings it crashing forward, meeting the shell head-on with his tail and sending it STRAIGHT for Cecil’s throat!
Eric: But Cecil’s cat-like reflexes snatch the shell right out of the air before it strikes him! He crushes the object with his bare hands and lets out a fierce battle cry! WHAT EVER COULD HAPPEN NEXT!
Paul: Cecil RUNS up to the shoreline, and he kicks sand right into Ecco’s eyes.
Paul: OH, THE HUMANITY!
Eric: Ecco seems to retreat back into the water…but it’s all a ruse! Ecco comes flying out of the ocean and lands a devastating cross body check onto the fearsome paladin.
Paul: Cecil lands shoulder’s down, and Ecco’s quick to capitalize! ONE, TWO, AND no. Cecil kicks out, and he’s reaching for his sword.
Eric: It seems some sand was kicked up into Referee Gas’s eyes when Cecil pushed Ecco off him, and Cecil is seizing the opportunity!
Paul: Pete Gas is stumbling off into the distance, leaving us without a referee for this matchup! Cecil’s got his sword drawn right at Ecco’s throat, and things are looking bad for this fish out of sea.
Eric: But he doesn’t go for the kill! Cecil lowers his sword…and then stabs Ecco right into his already wounded side! DIABOLICAL. Ecco is crying out again for mercy as Cecil sets up a piledriver.
Paul: And Ecco comes crashing down hard onto the sandy beaches of South Jersey! Cecil goes for the cover, but there’s no one there to make the call! Pete Gas is still incapacitated…or at least, I’m assuming he is, as I have no idea where he’s run off to.
Eric: Wait, where did that beach chair come from, and who is that lazy, sweater vest-wearing slob lounging and sipping ice tea on the beach! I thought we had that section closed off for this THRILLING matchup.
Eric: DAMN YOU, PETEY.
Paul: Well when you’re thirsty, you’re thirsty, Sniffles! And who wouldn’t want a seaside seat to a DCW event like this?
Eric: I would think the person whose job depends on calling the event may not want to risk a seaside seat!
Eric: Cecil, now also seeing the lounging ref, is disgusted and is racing toward him! This could get ugly fast, Paul
Paul: But before he can put Gas out of his misery, Cecil trips over and destroys a sandcastle being painstakingly built by timekeeper Bull Buchanan! And Bull doesn’t look too happy about that.
Eric: Doesn’t ANYONE do their job here?! Bull charges straight for Cecil, seemingly forgetting that he’s Bull Buchanan. Cecil catches the charging man and tosses him clear into the ocean
Paul: Now Cecil’s attention is back on senior referee Pete Gas. He draws his sword, pointing it directly at Pete’s throat….
Paul: …but before he can commence with the beheading, he gets superkicked right in the face!
Eric: Where did that one come from Paul!? Was that…was that who I THINK it was!?
Paul: It could be, Eric! This yet another mysterious character is now lifting Pete Gas high above his head, carrying him to the ocean and tossing him right into the water!
Paul: And as we all know, Pete Gas can’t swim.
Eric: As Pete clings to B-squared for dear life, we are determined to unmysteriousize this mysterious character!
Paul: The mystery man is turning to face us…and…do my eyes deceive me? It’s our former senior referee, Marty Jannetty, apparently fed up with the shoddy skills of Pete “Sharkbait” Gas!
Eric: With newfound hope Cecil races over to where he left the floundering fish, only to find the hapless body of Ecco to be gone!
Paul: Confused, Cecil looks back towards the sands and he takes a plastic beach chair right to the head, courtesy of one Bull Buchanan!
Paul: And newly-appointed senior referee Marty Jannetty calls for the bell!
Paul: There’s no one around to ring it, of course, but Jannetty knows a disqualification when he sees it. Cecil wins!
Eric: But the question still remains…WHERE IS ECCO! No one knows….
Eric: …well, except for that shady character we met earlier, who seems to have reappeared in the waters by Petey.
Paul: Meanwhile, Cecil is running Bull through with his sword, and it looks like we’ll be looking for a new time keeper next month.
Eric: Jeez, this sure was an exceptionally bloody match here at DCW!
Eric: Although I guess it’s something you come to expect here LIVE from the Jersey shore!
Paul: But where IS Ecco? And who IS that mysterious figure? The one that isn’t Jannetty, I mean.
Eric: We might just find out now! He seems to be coming this way, and he looks like he has some words for you, Mr. Editor in Chief.
Paul: No…it can’t be….
Eric: Oh it think it IS.
Paul: But I thought he was dead!
Eric: Not so much.
Eric: You should have dug that grave deeper, man!
Paul: I’m pretty sure it was you I saw with the shovel, Sniffles!
Eric: Why would I bury him!
Paul: Why WOULDN’T you.
Eric: I’m confused now.
Paul: Well, that’s about all the time we have for you this month in Digital Championship Wrestling!
Eric: A THRILLING ENDING TO A THRILLING DAY AT THE BEACH! Be sure to catch us totally ignore this confusing ending next month!
Paul: For the Sniffles, I’m Paul Franzen. Goodnight everybody!