This piece of shit came out on both the Sega CD and the Sega Saturn. Both are set in Mansions and are full-motion video games like Myst. Sorta. Both are also utterly different games with the same gameplay mechanics. But the Sega CD version is so much more insane it boggles your fucking mind.
(Note: This is exactly how the opening of this game goes)
Crudely-Animated Girl: “Look! A butterfly!”
Crudely-Animated Girl’s Brother (aka me): “Wow! Look how it floats in the air!”
CAG: “So care-free! Let’s follow it and see where it goes!”
CAG’sB: “No way! We’ll be in big trouble! Besides, grandma said there are ghosts here! She said they turn you into butterflies if you stare at one long enough during the full moon!”
CAG: “Well, I think it would be fun to be a butterfly!” (Runs directly into the mansion.)
CAG’sB: “Wait! Noooooo!”
I mean, that’s the premise of this piece of shit? If you stare at a fucking ghost long enough it’ll turn you into a butterfly? How about a demon from hell? Or a werewolf? You know, instead of a butterfly? I mean, why? It’s so stupid. Yet, you are about to embark—with myself as host—on a tour of…da da DUM! THE MANSION…OF HIDDEN SOULS!
Tuesday, May 9, 2006
Well, my dumbass miscarriage of a sister just ran into that foreboding mansion just ahead. I’m right outside it and all around it looks like I’m in a Georgian swamp. Christ, grandma told us exactly one thing through her Alzheimer haze: Don’t stare at ghosts from the mansion or we’ll turn into butterflies. And, where does my genius of a sister go? Directly to where the ghosts are. Great, sis; proud of ya.
I walk up the stairs towards the front door via the grainiest full-motion video I’ve ever seen.
Sis: “Jonathan! I’m over here! Quick! I’m over here!”
Uh, hey sis, why don’t you just come out then so we can go home? Oh, here’s a better question: Do I own any Sega CD games that don’t suck balls?
Well, I’m definitely in a mansion. It’s in first person (ala Myst), and I can go up the stairs to the second floor, right or left. I can hear a clock ticking. I go left and enter the study. There…there’s an evil diary on the table. I approach it. It allows me to…I can barely say it…SAVE MY GAME! As if my Sega CD expects me to ever play this piece of shit game again. But, alas, I must. For GameCola, I must. For now, however, fuck this stupid game.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Will I ever find my poorly rendered sibling in this SINISTER mansion? Of Hidden Souls? Using my vastly important walkthrough (to avoid playing this shit pile more than necessary), I go upstairs to what turns out to be the billiards room. Hmmm, this mansion seems like it’s in pretty goddamn good shape for being abandoned. Oh, except for the ghost butterflies. They’re still here. Maybe they play pool when they’re not kidnapping ten-year-old children for whatever sick fucking reason.
In the billiards room, they will not let you play billiards. This, needless to say, was a let-down. Instead, I am beset upon by a magical butterfly. This butterfly speaks to me. In English. With a Russian accent. I could not possible be more confused by this.
Russian Butterfly: “Ah! Is not often we get two guests in one evening! You have no business here! That was the voice of your sister!”
Me: “Hey, thanks, weird Russian butterfly thing. That made a lot of sense, really. But before you go on with your awesome stream of consciousness, I have a question for you:
Who designed this fucking nightmare of a mansion? I mean, seriously—I can see windows all over the thing in the opening cut scene, but now that I’m in here I can’t find a single one. Ah, never mind. I have to go to the red room. See? My walkthrough says so. Later.”
I walk out of the billiards-less billiards room and head to the red bedroom. It…has a lot of red in it.
Girl Ghost Butterfly: “Who’s there? Oh! We have a new guest! Welcome!”
Me: “Hey, I found this key in here. What does it open?”
GGB: “Oh, I can’t tell you about that key!”
Me: “Look, uppity ghost bitch, this game is only two hours long and this mansion has approximately five doors: I think I’ll figure it out. But go screw yourself anyway.”
Friday, May 12, 2006
Anyway, I move on through the house, going from stupid room to stupid room, until I get to a curious one. You know those glass cases that have bugs in them, dead and pinned down? Imagine a room completely filled with these cases, all full of dead butterflies. And yet, I am greeted by yet another ghosterfly who doesn’t seem bothered by this at all. I tell you what, if I was standing in a room lined with human corpses I wouldn’t be hanging around waiting for visitors so I could sprout off with inane lines like:
Ghosterfly: “What a surprise! Do you want to be a butterfly too?!”
Me: “No thanks. Did you happen to notice that there’s like, 200 butterfly corpses in this room? No shit man, that’s creepy. Should you be hanging out here? Gives me the heebie-jeebies. Like walking into Leatherface’s kitchen or something.”
So, this shit goes on for two hours. Art room, music room, study, library, attic, blah blah blah. There’s some retarded ghosterfly in every single room I go too, all with horrible voice-overs and accents. They all essentially just ask me what I’m doing here, tell me the “hunter” is going to get me, or relate their sob story of how they got turned into a butterfly. Do I look like a psychiatrist?
After awhile, I save my idiot sister and turn all the ghosterflies into normal spirits, like Jesus Christ would have wanted. We escape the mansion after a climatic battle that was so interesting I won’t tell you about it.
I wipe sweat off my brow as I hug my sis. “I’m so glad you’re safe, retarded sister.” I whisper. The horrible night is over. As the sun rises over the horizon, I drop to my knees, and let out a laugh, thankful to alive. Thankful my sis is alive. Thankful that this game was only two hours long. Thankful for everything, really. Sometimes I forget that while I have to play these crappy games, there’s always an end. They can’t go on forever. A tear tracks down my cheek. For now, at least, until the Sega Saturn version, we’ve escaped…THE MANSION…OF HIDDEN SOULS.
