Right, right. This month, I’m shaking things up again. Instead of my usual short blib that I write because I’m too lazy to actually put any effort into an article each month and instead just send Paul a bunch of random sentences off of my hard disc, you not only get one article from me, but one and a HALF, AND it’s done ahead of time. You lucky bastards—you’ve got part 1: something I give thumbs up to, and part 2: something I’m going to destroy the world over. Ready? Too effing bad.
Attention game developers! Game crossovers? They’re a good thing. I’m sitting here playing a new map for Unreal Tournament, DM-SunTzu, which is a very, very, good map. You fall down this waterfall. And boom! Instead of falling to your death and leaving a crater in the ground, you land deep in this underground room, which has a big keg of health (one that gives you +100 to whatever you’ve got). But what’s that on the wall? It’s a picture of a Chocobo! And on your right, a sign that says “You found a Chocobo!”, and on the left, it says, “WARK WARK WARK!”. Music? CHOCOBO MUSIC! ^.^ It’s really quite cool (hell, see the picture below!)
*Later the same day….*
*Queue Sonic’s Green Hill Zone music, and “dling” noise from the gold coins.*
But wait! I’m not playing Sonic! I’m playing Unreal Tournament. Yes, an Unreal Tournament—Capture the Flag—map fashioned after Sonic the Hedgehog’s Green Hill Zone. Music, graphics, everything. Each gold ring gives you +1 health, and your bigger healthpacks are found in the little monitor things left all around (as are your armour and jump boots). Even the big loopy-loops that send you flying throughout the map (generally plummeting off the edge of the map to your death, but yar) work properly, and with that speedboost that you’re familiar with. The big springs you jump on? They’ve been refashioned into standard UT jump pads—but they still look like your springy things.
Point of the issue is: GAME. CROSSOVERS. ARE. GOOD. I’d like to see more of them. Games referencing other games, games brutally and blatantly stealing and ripping things off of other games, even just little gaming industry inside jokes. Hell, even little things, like the little message in UT when you pick up the chainsaw (“It’s been five years since I’ve seen one of these!”) referencing Doom II are good! Keep that up.
Now what could possibly ruin my mood?
GAMERS WHO THINK THAT GAMING IS A SPORT. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? Gaming in the Olympics? Professional gamers? This is RIDICULOUS. Some guy by the uber-1337 name of “Fatal1ty” wins some effing gaming competition, and then all the PC hardware manufacturers started naming PARTS after him!? THAT’S RETARDED.
On this guy’s Web site you can find links to all these products that are named after him, and all kinds of news about him. If that’s not bad enough, what REALLY gets on my nerves is the text definitions of terms that appears in the flash scroller at the bottom of his page. For those of you who can’t be bothered (and probably shouldn’t, just to subtract from his page views), I’ll put the text here too, so you can see how much it pisses you off too, along with my comments.
“PROFESSIONAL GAMER: The world’s best-known, professional, videogamer.”
(…WHY!? Who cares if he’s the best-known professional gamer!? This guy’s EGO from this statement ALONE is big enough to fill the entirety of the largest first-person-shooter maps! Of all the egotistical things, this is just ridiculous!)
“eSPORTS AMBASSADOR: Dedicated to raise the awareness of eSports as a true sport for the benefit of millions of gamers around the globe.”
(For the pi^(n * inf)th time, GAMING. ISN’T. A. SPORT. From Google, a sport is defined as “an active diversion requiring physical exertion and competition.” Gaming may involve competition, but certainly not physical exertion. Most gamers can barely exert enough energy to MASTURBATE AT NIGHT, much less do anything that qualifies a sport. Now, why would something that ISN’T a sport need an ambassador? And WHY him, just cause he won a competition? Let’s get with the program; enough’s enough.)
“FATAL1TY BRAND: Products developed to improve Fatal1ty’s gaming performance and, by extension, improve that of all others.”
(Another one of the most egotistical things.
A) It’s another ploy at trying to bring gaming in as a sport. “Air” Jordan Sneakers. Tiger Woods Golf Balls. Fatal1ty Computer Mouse. Yeah, that follows pattern. Right.
B) No matter HOW good your CPU, or your mouse, or your keyboard, is, if you can’t aim, then you CAN’T AIM. No special mouse is going to fix that fact that you couldn’t manage to click on the pair of 36DD tits on your screen as you try to confirm that you’re 18 to look at the rest of the woman! It just doesn’t work that way!
C) “improve that of all others”? NO! It’s to make money! Not to mention that “all others” is most likely being interpreted by everyone else to mean “everyone else who ISN’T as good as me, you stupid n00bs.” It just goes right inline with the ego again! This guy is ENTIRELY ego. YOU STUPID FUCK.)
I guess my point is that with people like Fatal1ty in the gaming arena, gaming’s not going to get recognised as ANYTHING anytime soon, except a money-whore. And to be honest, with the way it’s going? I’m almost ashamed to be associated with gaming, at all. Now that’s sad.
