Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
The Gates of Vine
Forklass: Hey, let’s climb that vine! It goes up really high! It’s GOTTA go somewhere cool.
Enriquathan: Well, might as well start climbing.
Forklass: Yes, wait! We can’t climb!
Spoonlad: You’ll have to carry us!
Forklass: Yes, you must carry us!
Spoonlad & Forklass: Carry us!!
Enriquathan: …OK, fine. Let’s go.
n00b: Right behind you, Enri.
Enriquathan: Woo, that’ll be the last time you call me that, MOO!
n00b: Yeah, sure.
Observer: All right then. Up the vine we all go. Things definitely look peaceful, too. It is as if nothing completely unexpected and horrible could possibly happen while we are all precariously swinging from a vine. We get about halfway up the 65-thousand-foot vine.
???: FEELING YOU!!
Enriquathan: What the MMoooooOOOO was that?!
Spoonlad: Why do you keep mooing?!
Enrique-Jonathan: I don’t knooOOmOOOOooooooOOOo!
Observer: Perfect! Some creepy unknown voice out of nowhere screams at us, and now Enrique and Jonathan are de-fusing while still on this damned vine. Oh, and a massive abyss has just opened up underneath us.
Enrique – Jonathan: Hmmm…MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Spoonlad: No, wait stop!!
Observer: Gah! Jonathan and Enrique split apart, sending Enrique, Spoonlad, and Forklass tumbling down the vine, nearly knocking me off with them! Freakin’ inconsiderate! All three of them are swallowed up in the abyss. Jonathan and n00b, however, seem to be ok.
n00b: Uhh, I’m still here. I don’t know how OK I am, though.
Jonathan: I am fine, but n00b has a point. Let’s get going before this abyss swallows us up as well.
Observer: And so the remaining three of us climbed up the unnecessarily long vine and leapt to the top, mere hours before the abyss consumed the rest of the stuff that was halfway up the vine. It didn’t actually move at all. It pretty much just sat where it appeared, doing what abysses do, until it eventually disappeared.
n00b: Well, good thing we worked so hard to get up that vine, eh?! EH?!
n00b: Oh, really? You see, I’m thinking we would have been safer just getting away from the abyss and NOT climbing all the way up here!
Jonathan: Why do you say that? We’d just be hanging on a vine. A vine that possibly talks.
n00b: I’d rather hang on a talking vine than deal with that.
Jonathan: Deal with what?
n00b: How about you stop looking at me and face the direction I’m facing, if you’re so curious.
Jonathan: Hmm… Not a bad idea.
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Gate of DON’tDOiT!
Observer: Jonathan turns around and n00b stabs him in the back! Muahahahaha!
Gate of Sea Bears!
Observer: Jonathan turns around and comes face to face with yet another pack of singing sea bears. It’s too bad Enrique isn’t around to fight them. Oh, and five or 10 of these sea bears are possibly zombies of old sea bears. And also they came together a la transformers to form a gigantic super megazord sea bear. An invincible one, at that.
Gate of Return
Observer: Woo! It’s a giant mass of fused bits and pieces of our old friends and enemies! And for some reason they look irritated that we are the only ones to survive. You know the story, back from the dead, hating the living, that sort of thing.
Gate of Portals
Observer: Ah. It looks like a giant monster that has already eaten everything in sight, including a portal truck carrying an entire shipment of portals. I’m guessing we are going to get into some hilarious adventures once we get eaten!
This poll ends on August 7.