WELCOME, adoring fans, to the first (and only) (and GREATEST) issue of Stowaway Lizo’s SUPER TOES!! This month finds Captain Eric with a bit more on his plate than he would have preferred, and thus his duties have fallen upon ME, Stowaway Lizo! And since the thumbs of Captain Eric have traditionally been called SUPER, and Lizo doesn’t HAVE thumbs, those super game-reviewing duties have fallen upon her/my TOES! Now on with the show, exposition-loving readers!!
This month, Stowaway Lizo brings you a tantalizing look at some of the BEST games EVER!! And by “best” I mean “really mediocre and possibly WORST”! Or maybe even “good”! In this here article you’ll stumble upon old games, new games and everything in between! Go go gadget SUPER TOES!!
Mojo! (PS2)
Who would’ve thought that rolling a marble ball around using really HORRIBLE controls and smashing into different colored blocks while trying not to fall off the edge of the universe every two seconds could be ANTI-FUN?! Answer: probably everyone in the world upon looking at this game. As far as I could gather from the less than 10 minutes that I played this game, the point is to break all the “blocks” on each “level” gathering “mojo” along the way. And the controls are really slow and break my fingers! Literally. And what the heck is “mojo,” you ask? Well, I know for sure that it’s gone, and I’m supposed to get it, and it has something to do with letting my marble perform quick changes of direction (as opposed to slamming the left arrow button for ROUGHLY an hour before the marble even BEGINS to go that way, which is the usual method).
The multiplayer mode in this game may be even less fun than the single player mode, if that’s even POSSIBLE. I have no idea what the objective is in these levels, but it sure isn’t “break more blocks than your opponent,” which would actually make some sense. Maybe it has to do with mojo. WHAT IS MOJO?! I don’t think I want to know.
Stowaway Lizo’s Super Toes say… Toes Down!
Sheep (PS1)
Watching the CGI introduction to this game is like being on a roller coaster ride. A really BIZARRE one with lots of twists and turns and sheep jumping out at you. Hey everyone, it’s bizaaaaaarrro sheep time! Just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about here, this opening movie featured creepy bunnies, aliens, shepherdesses, a disco and at least one sheep dressed like an Elvis impersonator. And there was chest hair—on the SHEEP no less!
Having seen this, I was prepared for one WACKY game. I was slightly peeved when I started playing the actual game and NONE of the stuff from the intro seemed to actually carry over! Except for the shepherdesses, that is. And actually, I guess the craziness in itself was still there—there were definitely some pretty insane and slightly disturbing things during gameplay which sort of picked me up and threw me around the coconut tree a few times, if you know what I mean.
The game centers around herding a group of sheep safely through an obstacle course and into a giant black truck with a skull and crossbones on the side (which apparently means SAFETY in bizarro sheep world?!). Along the way, there are bonus objects to pick up, more sheep to save, and of course, the possibility of losing your preciously cute sheep to the EVIL SHEERING MACHINES OF DOOOooooOOoooOOOM! I was pretty darn distraught when all of my sheep were eaten up, let me tell you.
So all in all, while not being QUITE as insanely random as the opening movie would suggest, SHEEP is still quirky and amusing and fun to play. I’d play it again if I actually owned it.
Stowaway Lizo’s Super Toes say… Toes Up.
Taz-Mania (SNES)
Let me start by saying that this is probably the COOLEST racing-type game I’ve ever played. Like so many of the other games in this issue of SUPER TOES, I had no idea what to expect when I picked up the controller and pressed the start button to begin this gem. Well I was expecting something, but it sure wasn’t what I got—a fast paced, smooth, funny, pretty, and unique game about running around various parts of Australia (or I guess… Tasmania?) trying to eat kiwis as quickly as possible before time runs out. The player controls the ever-popular Tasmanian Devil (Taz) of cartoons at 11:00 on a Saturday morning with canned soup fame. He runs, he jumps, he eats flying and running things, he gets run over by buses, he gets flattened by running into trees and HILARIOUSLY accordions himself back up only to keep running again!
But seriously folks, the graphics are really pretty, the game is engaging, and the later levels are downright CHALLENGING! My only real question is this: Whyyyyy did it take me four frickin’ levels to figure out that the “kiwis” that Taz has to catch and eat are the BIRDS?! I mean, they’re small and yellow and run around the screen and leave feathers behind when you eat them, JUST LIKE THE FRUIT! But I digress. Play this game, as if your life depended on it.
Stowaway Lizo’s Super Toes say… Toes Up!
Sim City (SNES)
I am perhaps the only person in the world who had never played this game before a few days ago, in any of its incarnations. OK, so I watched my friend play it in something like fifth grade, but that doesn’t COUNT now DOES IT?! No. Ahem.
So I’ve always heard good things about this game, yet never played it. And did it live up to its high praise and my high expectations?! DID IT?! Yes. It did. Now read ON to find out why!
How cool is it to be able to build your own town and watch it grow up from a little baby village to a giant adult of a city? Pretty DARN cool, I say. Of course, I never got that far. How the heck was I supposed to know that building two nuclear power plants and using up all my money right away was a bad idea?! In any case, there are literally (figuratively speaking) MILLIONS of things to do in this game. There are roads to build and power to supply, citizens to LURE to your city! And let’s not forget BOWSER to unleash!! Mwaaahahaha the desTRUCTion! But let’s not forget that this game takes some planning to actually build a big city. So if that’s your thing, have fun with this game! And if it’s not (or if you accidentally spend all your money with no hopes of recovery), have fun with the destruction!!
Stowaway Lizo’s Super Toes say… Toes Up!
Dragon’s Lair II: Time Warp (DVD)
OK, first things first: Whyyyyyyy were the Dragon’s Lair games MADE?! If I was in an actual arcade, and I tried to play this game as many times as I did on the super mega in-the-comfort-of-your-own-home DVD game version, I would be COMPLETELY BROKE by now! Oh wait, I guess that’s why.
THIS GAME IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!! And I only SOMETIMES use that phrase lightly. Sure the cartoony animations are way pretty (don’t get me wrong—I love Don Bluth. DON BLUTH WAS INVOLVED IN THIS??), but there’s only so many times you can have the words “KIDNAPPED?! My Daphne kidnapped AGAIN?!” thrown against your head before your brain literally (NOT figuratively) explodes.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the point of this game. Dragon’s Lair II (much like Dragon’s Lair the first, I would imagine), features the hero Dirk and his attempts to rescue the maiden Daphne, fueled by the player’s frantic and sometimes random smashing of the arrow and/or “sword” buttons. The way the game works is this: A movie animation plays, and every two seconds (or less), you, the player, are required to press the correct button at the correct time to cause Dirk to perform the correct action and therefore continue on his quest. If you fail, there is a cute (read, annoying after 12,000 viewings) video of Dirk dying, and you get to try again from the beginning! Go you!
And how long does it have to go on like this? How long can the pain last?! Well, since you asked, I happened to watch the whole entirety of the movie that is the game (that super special feature is included) and it’s something like five minutes of the randomest, craziest stuff ever. It is perhaps worth getting this game just to watch the movie and go “holy crap, people actually PLAY through all of this?! WHAT THE HECK’S GOING ON???” and then jump out of a window. Because that’s the only way to escape the horribleness that is Dragon’s Lair II.
Stowaway Lizo’s Super Toes say… Toes Down!!!
And there you have it! Another month of curiosity about five random games has been assuaged with the help of some SUPER digits! Next month, you can look forward to the return of CAPTAIN ERIC, and the return of the Lizo to her hiding in the ship’s hold. So go forth and play those videogames, you videogame players, and SOMEDAY, you may even have toes akin to the Lizo! Or maybe even toes akin to her toes. Baa.
