I promised Bonsai trees, but that would involve me having to look shit up. I still have to be punishingly boring though, so I present to you the dullest topic possible: my daily life!
5:55 AM: Get woken up by a discordant series of beeps I designed myself to be impossible to sleep through. Shut myself in the bathroom—which is literally too narrow for any non-midget adult to spread his arms out in—until the space heater warms me up.
6:05 AM: Make the freezing-cold trip from the bathroom to the shower. The water soon re-warms me.
6:25 AM: Move two bottles of frozen coffee from the freezer into my backpack.
6:30 AM: This hot action is only for our gold club members! Join today!
6:55 AM: Start the painfully long trip to work, with Super Smash Bros. Melee, Muzai Moratorium, and Tenacious D in the background.
7:10 AM: Take the local train. It takes twice as long, but it allows me to avoid being accidentally anally raped by briefcases and umbrellas on the semi-express. Remind myself that the fact that 18-year-old girls are staring at me doesn’t mean that they’ll do anything but go ghost white and cry if I talk to them.
7:35 AM: Switch trains. Fantasize about slowly murdering the assholes who stand BESIDE the line and then try to break into it once the doors have opened. It’s not like we don’t see you, you worthless fucking SCUM! Leave your houses earlier! Or better yet, do the world a favor and jump off of a fucking bridge!
7:40 AM: Shudder with desire as the schoolgirls get on, half-hoping that one will get crushed into me, half-dreading the messy aftermath. Remind myself that the fact that they stare at me doesn’t mean anything good will come of talking to them. What I did at 6:30 pays off here.
7:50 AM: Make my way to my cafe, where I buy coffee I can’t really afford. This is the most relaxing time of my day.
8:20 AM: Leave the cafe, and start to work.
8:35 AM: Show up at work. Get the good bathroom stall before anyone else shows up. Wash my body with alcohol before changing clothes.
8:45 AM: Go to my desk and dick around on the Internet, or write shit like this for you ingrates.
9:00 AM-12:00 AM: Work for too little pay. The contents of my work are so exciting that you reading them would probably cause your grandparents’ heads to explode, but unfortunately they are also highly classified.
12:00 AM-1:00 PM: Dick around on the Internet, or write shit like this for you ingrates.
1:00 PM-5:00 PM: Work for too little pay. The contents of my work are so exciting that you reading them would probably cause your grandparents’ genitals to explode, but unfortunately they are also highly classified.
5:00 PM-5:15 PM: Stand around unpaid, grinding my teeth while waiting through a meeting where people decide whether they’re going to stay late. If you want to go home, just fucking go home! Why must you just continue to mutter “Hm…uh…yeah…” until somebody feels sorry for you and suggests that you go home? Fucking MORONS!
5:15 PM: This is where it turns Choose Your Own Adventure! Do you stay late and sacrifice…well, everything else in your life but your minimum wage job? Or do you face the accusing faces of those you leave behind? I base the decision on how badly I want extra money.
PATH A: STAY
5:15 PM-6:00 PM: Dick around on the Internet, or write shit like this for you ingrates. Japanese companies seem to love putting this “mandatory break” right after the official quitting time to “allow” employees who want to go the extra mile to do so without the terrible inconvenience of getting compensated for it.
6:00 PM-9:00 PM: Work for too little pay. The contents of my work are so exciting that you reading them would probably cause your grandparents’ hearts to explode, but unfortunately they are also highly classified.
9:00 PM: Go home. On the way, remind myself that the prostitutes staring at me cost more than I want to spend. Drink milk because there’s no time (It’s almost 11 by now) for food, but I haven’t eaten anything all day. Sleep.
PATH B: LEAVE
5:15 PM: With a smile in my heart that only the anticipation of having time to prepare and eat solid food can bring, start the trip home.
6:45 PM: Prepare an ungodly amount of “instant” foods, or order a pizza, depending on how close it is to payday. Put on The Simpsons and eat until I collapse on the floor in a pile of drool. But before I slip off into the blissful escape of sleep…
9:00 PM: This hot action is only for our gold club members! Join today!
That’ll teach you not to e-mail me. But I’m also here to teach you how NOT to spell in this month’s edition of…
What can I say? It’s an oldie but goodie. I do know that I’m not going to pay that much money to have a person who obviously can’t be bothered to open a dictionary or check the Internet BEFORE OPENING A FUCKING BUSINESS cut my hair! But the same rules don’t apply when it comes to pizza. Pizza I can forgive…