The Gates of Life: Episode 38: Children of the c0rn


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Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.

Chapter Thirty-Eight
Children of the c0rn


Jonathan: Bah, that thing doesn’t even really look like him. But wait, how do you even know who Rivers is, let alone about my association with him?

Evil Children:  l0l w3 g0tz d4 m4j1k m1r0r!

Jonathan:  What?

Evil Children:  w3 s33 j00r tru f0rm, b17ch!

tehJonathan:  Uh…heh…what?

Evil Children:  j00r r1v3rz!!

Narrator Two:  No way!  Jonathan can’t be Rivers!  This is unbelievable!

Observer:  You’re a bad actor, Narrator Two.  Or should I say…RIVERS!

Narrator Two (?):  What?  Don’t be insane!  Jonathan is secretly disguised as Rivers, not me!

Jonathan (?):  No!  It’s him, he’s Rivers!

Evil Children:  j00r b07h R1V3Rz!!!

Narrator Two (?):  Shut up you damn kids!  This doesn’t make any sense!  We can’t both be Rivers!  Where the hell did you come from, anyway, Observer?  I thought I got rid of you.

President of the Council of Narrators (PoCoN):  I brought him back.  And, as of now, I am reinstating his powers as a narrator.

Narrator:  YES!  Ha!  You monkeyassed son of a bitch, I am back!

Narrator Two (?):  What?!  The president??!?

PoCoN:  That’s the last time you make a statement using my son’s name.

Rivers the Fake Narrator:  Your son?

Narrator:  That’s right, fool!  Narrator Two is the president’s son!  You picked the wrong guy to impersonate!

poconRivers the Fake Narrator:  Dammit.

Evil Children:  pwned!!

Rivers the Fake Jonathan:  This doesn’t look good!

PoCoN:  Your disguises are worthless now.  Show your true forms!

Rivers the Imposter Duo:  NoooOOooOOoOoooOoO!

Narrator:  Wow!  The true form of the two fake Rivers looks a lot like just one Rivers!

Evil Children:  wtf l4m3.

Rivers Duo:  This was my greatest plan ever.  Why did you freaks have to ruin it?!

PoCoN:  I’d watch my mouth if I were you, Duo.  Narrator, I trust you can take care of things from here.

Narrator:  You bet your ass I can.  And so, PoCoN returns to the Immortal Land of Narration, leaving me once again in charge of the story!  Muahahahahahahahaha!!

Rivers Duo:  This is not fair at all.  This was my greatest plan ever, and you freaks had to ruin it!

Evil Children:  wu7 pl4n, d00d?  j00 suk.

Rivers Duo:  Shut up, children!  The plan was amazing!  I was going to become the main character of the story, finally!

???:  You really think you can take my place, old friend?

Rivers Duo:  No way, it can’t be….

???:  That’s right, it’s me.

Rivers Duo:  Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora?!

rivers???:  …no.

Evil Children:  QM grrrl!!

???:  No, dammit!

Narrator:  Oooh, I totally know this!  It’s STRANGE CREATURE!!

???:  I hate you people so much I think it’s beginning to cause me serious health problems.

Narrator:  I remember that whining!

Rivers Duo:  It’s you!

???:  That’s right, it’s me.

Evil Children:  QM Grrrrrl!!!!!1!111!


Narrator:  And so it is.  Standing before us is none other than Barin, the original main character of this story.  How did he get back?  I have no idea.  I’m not sure I care, either.

Barin:  I’ll tell you how I got back!  It was a dark and stormy night, and my tiny ship was tossed.

Evil Children:  l1k3 ur m0mz s4l4d lolol.

Rivers Duo:  No, I’m not letting this bullshit happen again.  This happens every time someone tries to engineer a master plan.  Goofbags just start making jokes and don’t listen and it never ends up happening.  I am the new main character of the story, and there is not a damn thing any of you can do about it.

Narrator:  Not a damn thing anyone can do, eh?  That’s the wrong thing to say to a narrator who just recently got back his powers.

Evil Children:  0h n03z!!

Which Gate Do You Choose?


Rivers Duo:  I don’t care if you are the narrator, I make the rules now.

Narrator:  Rivers turned into a medium-sized toothless lizard wolverine with no claws and a pink tail.


Narrator:  I think it’s time to add a little fuel to this fire.  Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and Enrique, come on back and fight for the title.

Render:  Sure thing.

Enrique:  Moo.

teh l337

Evil Children:  QM grrrrrrl!  7074lli t3h 0nli g00d ch4r!  s3kzi b17ch!!!111!

Narrator:  Uh, yes.  QM Girl can come back, you sad, demented, nonsense-spewing pack of wild children.  But that really doesn’t solve the problem.

This poll ends on October 7.

1 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)

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From 2002 to 2013

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