Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
Children of the c0rn
Evil Children: LOL WE JUST PWNED UR ASS.
Jonathan: Bah, that thing doesn’t even really look like him. But wait, how do you even know who Rivers is, let alone about my association with him?
Evil Children: l0l w3 g0tz d4 m4j1k m1r0r!
Evil Children: w3 s33 j00r tru f0rm, b17ch!
Evil Children: j00r r1v3rz!!
Narrator Two: No way! Jonathan can’t be Rivers! This is unbelievable!
Observer: You’re a bad actor, Narrator Two. Or should I say…RIVERS!
Narrator Two (?): What? Don’t be insane! Jonathan is secretly disguised as Rivers, not me!
Jonathan (?): No! It’s him, he’s Rivers!
Evil Children: j00r b07h R1V3Rz!!!
Narrator Two (?): Shut up you damn kids! This doesn’t make any sense! We can’t both be Rivers! Where the hell did you come from, anyway, Observer? I thought I got rid of you.
President of the Council of Narrators (PoCoN): I brought him back. And, as of now, I am reinstating his powers as a narrator.
Narrator: YES! Ha! You monkeyassed son of a bitch, I am back!
Narrator Two (?): What?! The president??!?
PoCoN: That’s the last time you make a statement using my son’s name.
Rivers the Fake Narrator: Your son?
Narrator: That’s right, fool! Narrator Two is the president’s son! You picked the wrong guy to impersonate!
Evil Children: pwned!!
Rivers the Fake Jonathan: This doesn’t look good!
PoCoN: Your disguises are worthless now. Show your true forms!
Rivers the Imposter Duo: NoooOOooOOoOoooOoO!
Narrator: Wow! The true form of the two fake Rivers looks a lot like just one Rivers!
Evil Children: wtf l4m3.
Rivers Duo: This was my greatest plan ever. Why did you freaks have to ruin it?!
PoCoN: I’d watch my mouth if I were you, Duo. Narrator, I trust you can take care of things from here.
Narrator: You bet your ass I can. And so, PoCoN returns to the Immortal Land of Narration, leaving me once again in charge of the story! Muahahahahahahahaha!!
Rivers Duo: This is not fair at all. This was my greatest plan ever, and you freaks had to ruin it!
Evil Children: wu7 pl4n, d00d? j00 suk.
Rivers Duo: Shut up, children! The plan was amazing! I was going to become the main character of the story, finally!
???: You really think you can take my place, old friend?
Rivers Duo: No way, it can’t be….
???: That’s right, it’s me.
Rivers Duo: Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora?!
Evil Children: QM grrrl!!
???: No, dammit!
Narrator: Oooh, I totally know this! It’s STRANGE CREATURE!!
???: I hate you people so much I think it’s beginning to cause me serious health problems.
Narrator: I remember that whining!
Rivers Duo: It’s you!
???: That’s right, it’s me.
Evil Children: QM Grrrrrl!!!!!1!111!
???: BARIN, THE EVERLIVING!!
Narrator: And so it is. Standing before us is none other than Barin, the original main character of this story. How did he get back? I have no idea. I’m not sure I care, either.
Barin: I’ll tell you how I got back! It was a dark and stormy night, and my tiny ship was tossed.
Evil Children: l1k3 ur m0mz s4l4d lolol.
Rivers Duo: No, I’m not letting this bullshit happen again. This happens every time someone tries to engineer a master plan. Goofbags just start making jokes and don’t listen and it never ends up happening. I am the new main character of the story, and there is not a damn thing any of you can do about it.
Narrator: Not a damn thing anyone can do, eh? That’s the wrong thing to say to a narrator who just recently got back his powers.
Evil Children: 0h n03z!!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Rivers Duo: I don’t care if you are the narrator, I make the rules now.
Narrator: Rivers turned into a medium-sized toothless lizard wolverine with no claws and a pink tail.
Narrator: I think it’s time to add a little fuel to this fire. Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and Enrique, come on back and fight for the title.
Render: Sure thing.
Evil Children: QM grrrrrrl! 7074lli t3h 0nli g00d ch4r! s3kzi b17ch!!!111!
Narrator: Uh, yes. QM Girl can come back, you sad, demented, nonsense-spewing pack of wild children. But that really doesn’t solve the problem.
This poll ends on October 7.