Jack Russell: Here we are, ladies and gentleman, with another EXCITING installment of Digital Championship Wrestling!
Jack: Here beside me is my partner in announcement, ERIC.
Jack: And guest host, Paul!
Paul: GUEST HOST???
Eric: Who is the one demoted now! HA!
Paul: I’m not the frickin’ guest host!
Jack: Let’s get this match underway.
Eric: What match exactly IS getting underway, Jack?
Jack: I have no idea.
Jack: Oh yeah.
Jack: A battle royal.
Paul: Welcome everyone to the annual Dino Riki Battle Royal! We’re just getting underway with Raz from Psychonauts and Alexander of Daventry from King’s Quest!
Eric: Well this will definitely be one HELL of an evening!
Paul: Who are both in the ring right now.
Paul: And fighting.
Eric: WHAT?! We are starting with some action!? This is unprecedented.
Paul: Look at ’em go!
Jack: Alexander of Daventry? That wimp? How did he get invited to this thing?
Paul: You’d have to ask Dino Riki! He’s in charge of all the invites.
Paul: Looks like he’s not so much of a wimp, though, eh? He just clotheslined Raz right over the top rope, and we’re already ready for our third entrant!
EricEric: Well that sure was speedy! But look out now, it is Goro! From Dark Cloud! The ever-menacing warrior.
Jack: If by menacing, you mean chubby.
Paul: Goro rushes for Alexander, grabs him and delivers a vicious piledriver!
Paul: And then he stomps on Alexander’s head a couple of times.
Jack: Ouch! I’d rather be dead then get stomped in the head.
Paul: Nice rhyming, Jack!
Jack: Thanks! It’s kind of my thing.
Eric: Such fluid movement! I’ve never seen this kind of thing from Goro before; he is fighting with a purpose tonight!
Eric: Alexander is reaching out for the ropes, trying to get his bearings but it isn’t looking good.
Eric: When you get stomped by Goro, your day hasn’t gone as planned.
Paul: Goro picks Alexander up and looks to toss him over the top rope, but before he gets the chance Alexander reverses it into a hurracanrana! There goes Goro!
Jack: I’ve never seen anyone from Daventry with moves like that!
Eric: Apparently Alexander still has some fight left in him as he does the ever famous BRING IT hand motions out towards the corridor.
Paul: And who should appear from the locker room but THE CHIBI-ROBO.
Paul: Who is about a 25th the size of Alexander of Daventry.
Jack: Everyone in Radiata is a mutated Chibi person, and we are tough as nails!
Jack: Especially Theatre Vancoor!
Eric: I hear those Vanoor Boys are a rough bunch.
Jack: You hear right.
Eric: Is that an electrical cord? I don’t think those things are legal here in DCW! What is this madness?
Paul: Everything’s legal in battle royals!
Paul: At least I’m pretty sure, as referee Marty Jannetty isn’t stopping Chibi from attempting to choke Alexander out with the cord.
Jack: Isn’t Marty more of a wrestler than a ref?
Paul: Well, he’s been reffing here for…well, it probably adds up to a year, at any rate.
Paul: He’s bound to have picked up something!
Eric: Yes, an excellent use of that cord. This could be the end of Alexander’s surprising start.
Eric: But wait! It looks as if Mr. Robo’s power is draining fast! They sure don’t make batteries like they used too.
Jack: Isn’t it about time for someone else to enter the ring?
Jack: Where’s that countdown?
Paul: Not until one of these two fine combatants are eliminated!
Paul: It’s sort of a gauntlet-style battle royal, you see.
Jack: Sounds like a cop out to me.
Paul: And with a swoon and a sigh, Chibi-Robo hits the mat!
Paul: With no life left in his batteries, it’s unlikely that he’ll be continuing in this matchup.
Eric: It looks to be all over for the metallic hero as Alexander nonchalantly pushes him off the apron.
Jack: Everyone knows you need to bring a backup battery to a battle royal!
Jack: Robo has no one to blame but himself for that one.
Eric: Three men down and the mighty ALEXANDER still reigns!
Paul: Who’s next?!
Jack: Tony Orlando?
Eric: Tony Orlando isn’t in any video games!
Jack: That you know of, Eric.
Eric: Well yeah, you really called my bluff on that one, Jack.
Eric: Look! It’s Cortez! From Timesplitters!
Paul: Cortez dives right under the bottom rope but gets dropkicked right in the face by a surprisingly-full-of-energy Alexander!
Eric: But that is just a minor inconvenience for the bloodthirsty Cortez who shakes it off and begins his charge anew.
Eric: A charge, right through the ring and resulting in a spill onto the outside.
Eric: Good show, Cortez! Good show.
Paul: Does that constitute an elimination? I think he’s eliminated!
Eric: Oh he totally is. Bring on the next challenger.
Jack: I agree! Next!
Paul: Well if it isn’t ToeJam!
Eric: Oh God, that HACK?!
Jack: Without Earl, he is nothing.
Eric: Everyone knows Earl is the real talent in that duo.
Paul: If anyone can take on the ferocious Alexander of Daventry, it’s ToeJam.
Paul: With…or WITHOUT…Earl.
Eric: Really? Because he looks pretty terrified out there to me.
Jack: I thought Alex just got eliminated by Cortez.
Eric: I think I even see some tears forming.
Paul: That was Cortez who got eliminated by himself!
Paul: I think.
Eric: No, Cortez just charged out of the ring.
Jack: Then why is he still in the ring?!
Paul: He may look terrified, but it’s all a ruse! Before entering the ring ToeJam pulled a present out from under it.
Eric: The ref should be taking care of Mr. Cortez over there; don’t you pay these guys Paul?
Jack: Marty is really dropping the ball tonight.
Eric: And it appears ToeJam was awarded with some rocket skates! I’m not too sure they will be of much help in a battle royal.
Paul: Sure they well! They’ll…oh wait…they appear to have just driven him straight into a turnbuckle.
Eric: And it is looking like the turnbuckle has the upper hand in that battle.
Eric: How many people are in this thing?
Paul: We’re up to six.
Paul: I think?
Eric: Alexander rushes over to the turnbuckle and begins to repeatedly bash Mr. Jam’s face into it.
Eric: Yes, six.
Jack: Why is Cortez still in the ring?
Paul: I thought he was outside of it!
Jack: Not according to my eyes.
Eric: He has snuck back inside! Without a peep from Mr. Jannetty!
Jack: And my eyes tell no lies.
Eric: And wait… what is this?! A LOW BLOW on Alexander the not-so-great! He appears to be out cold.
Jack: Is that legal?
Eric: Oh yeah, like I know what is legal and not.
Jack: So you are like Marty!
Jack: Maybe you should be the ref!
Eric: Couldn’t do any worse.
Paul: Almost effortlessly, Cortez tosses Alexander right out of the right! He then exits himself, leaving only a nearly lifeless ToeJam.
Eric: MADNESS!!! This has NEVER before been seen in ANY battle royal!
Eric: We are making some history tonight folks!
Paul: This is the biggest night in the history of our industry!
Jack: Speaking of history, ToeJam is done for.
Paul: By GAWD, what will happen next?!
Jack: The next contender has an easy time here.
Paul: But who IS the next contender?!
Eric: ToeJam shakes his head and blinks a few times, just in time to get a peek of his newest challenger….
Eric: Jack Frost.
Jack: Hey hey hey.
Jack: I’m the only Jack around here.
Paul: Jack Frost? He’s not from any videogame!
Eric: Apparently not, eh Mr. Russell?
Paul: What videogame is Jack Frost from!
Eric: Jeez, what kinda n00b are you?
Jack: He’s from all of the Shin Megami Tensei games, actually.
Jack: That’s pathetic, Paul.
Jack: I thought you were an authority on this stuff.
Paul: I don’t play crappy games, sorry.
Paul: For example: I’ve never played Radiata Stories.
Paul: But let’s get back to the match!
Eric: Jack Frost skips his way to the middle of the ring and looks down on the pummeled ToeJam contemplating what he should do next.
Eric: I sense some hostility between my two co-hosts; we might have some better action up here!
Eric: BY GAWD! Jack Russell has just thrown Paul right in to the ring.
Eric: He quickly follows him in and lands some VICIOUS right hands.
Eric: Oh no! NO!! DONT DO IT JACK!!
Eric: Jack is using the ropes to choke the life out of the helpless commentator.
Eric: He is merely a man Jack! Not a legend like yourself!! Spare his pitiful soul!!
Jack: I suppose you have a point.
Jack: I think he’s learned his lesson, anyway.
Jack: And the audience hasn’t paid enough to see ME in action.
Eric: Though he might need some new lessons.
Eric: On like how to breathe.
Jack: Oh, he will be fine.
Jack: I held back!
Eric: Well! With all that commotion we missed the SPECTACULAR elimination of ToeJam.
Eric: Well, at least I’m sure it was spectacular.
Eric: No way ToeJam would disappoint us.
Jack: No way.
Jack: Especially not in his third game.
Paul: And Paul makes it back to the announcers table just in time to see entrant number eight!
Jack: Welcome back, blasphemer!
Eric: Yeah, wow, talk about slacking off at work.
Paul: By GAWD, it’s Midna! From Twilight Princess!
Paul: That beastly thing that rides Link when he’s in wolf form!
Eric: Oooh right of course.
Eric: Why didn’t I know that.
Paul: Because you have no taste!
Jack: I’d rather eat some yeast than fight that beast!
Paul: That was a good one, Jack!
Eric: The mass of snow balls vs. a beast that rides feral wolf: one of the all time classic match ups that we here at DCW always bring to the table.
Paul: That’s no ordinary beast, however: That beast has a GIANT HAND!!!
Paul: HERE COMES THE PAIN.
Jack: He is a John Cena fan?
Eric: No, no, that’s Brock Lesnar, right, he is a Brock Lesnar fan.
Jack: Why does he have the giant inflatable Cena hand, then?
Paul: She likes them both equally, actually.
Paul: Though she does consider herself a member of the “Chain Gang.”
Eric: Wait, it’s a she?
Jack: A she? Really?
Paul: Sure is!
Eric: How can you tell?
Paul: She has breasts!
Jack: Well, that’s frightening.
Eric: I don’t see them.
Paul: Well, they’re not very big.
Eric: Well what’s the point in them, then.
Jack: I’d rather eat a bat than have sex with… that.
Eric: OOOH BURRRRRRRRRRN.
Paul: Midna picks up Jack Frost with her giant hand and dangles him helplessly over the ropes!
Jack: This doesn’t look good!
Eric: This looks to be over quick! But wait….Jack Frost wriggles free and darts to the other side of the ring.
Paul: And he rushes back, hitting Midna with a SICKENING spear!
Jack: More like an icicle.
Eric: Well it sure it would be sickening, if Midna had actually felt anything.
Eric: But the attempted maneuver only seems to have angered this small-breasted beast as it is now chasing the tiny Mr. Frost about the inside of the ring.
Paul: And she backhands the foul icy thing right over the top rope!
Jack: And here comes the next contestant! Come on down!
Jack: I said, come on down!
Paul: Oh my God, it’s…!
Jack: Bastion Misawa?!
Eric: YES! The one.
Eric: The only.
Eric: BASTION! The card dueling maniac!
Paul: Oh no! How will Midna ever deal some lame 12-year-old who plays Yu-Gi-Oh!
Jack: Stirless Earth, indeed! Let’s see if he can stand strong versus the mighty one-handed beast woman!
Eric: He is not just any lame 12 year old! He is an RA YELLOW!! AN RA YELLOW!
Paul: What the hell does that mean??
Eric: You just don’t know anything, do you.
Jack: He plays Yu-Gi-Oh as much as Midna plays Twilight Princess!
Eric: Uh oh! The beasty looks to be in trouble—Bastion has just played a monster in face down defense position.
Paul: What a nerd.
Jack: You are such a bigot.
Eric: WHAT?! Midna just ATE the damned card.
Eric: I don’t think that is in the rules.
Jack: I sure hope he set some trap cards!
Paul: What the hell are you people talking about???
Jack: The match, you travesty of announcement.
Eric: Bastion makes his way to the other side of the ring, throwing down cards as he goes.
Jack: Wait…is that…Cortez?!
Paul: Not that fiend again!
Jack: What is he doing back out here?!
Eric: And he has Chibi-Robo’s damn cord in his hands!!
Eric: What is that rotten scoundrel up too!
Jack: No good!
Paul: He just tripped Midna and pulled her out of the ring!
Paul: And he carries her away, cackling maniacally.
Paul: As he heads toward the locker room he passes our FINAL ENTRANT coming down the ramp!
Paul: It is none other!
Eric: Oooh man I hope its good.
Paul: Than Ash Ketchum.
Eric: Oh God.
Jack: No way.
Eric: This is Yu-Gi-Oh territory, bitch!
Jack: I can feel the electricity!
Paul: Pokemon so owns Yu-Gi-Oh, and you know it!
Jack: This is the match of the century! I honestly don’t know who will win!
Eric: Ash races towards the ring, whips out one of his well known Pokeballs and hurls it straight towards Bastion.
Paul: But Bastion bats it away with a Yu-Gi-Oh card, which he then places on the mat!
Paul: The ball explodes and out pops Pikachu…but what’s that that’s going on with the card?!
Jack: It’s a torrential tribute!
Jack: Pikachu is destroyed!
Eric: Look at the fur fly! Poor electric rat.
Paul: Ash is undaunted! He throws down another ball, and out pops… SNORLAX.
Jack: Wow, looks like Bastion retaliates with a monster… in defense position….
Eric: Oh yeah, I can just feel the excitement brewing now.
Jack: Sleeping and defending… do your matches always go this excitingly, fellows?
Paul: …Which then gets punched in the face by Snorlax!
Paul: They’re not usually this exciting, actually!
Eric: No, we can only hope for this kind of excitement!
Eric: And with that punch in the face it awakens the monster Bastion had summoned!
Eric: Whatever could it be!
Paul: Hell if I know!
Jack: I’m not sure, either!
Jack: But I do know one thing!
Jack: Cortez is coming back for more!
Paul: Not again!
Eric: He has Snorlax and the strange Dino creature that Bastion has summoned in either hand now.
Eric: And is doing some kind of crazy tornado spin!
Eric: How can he manage this! Doesn’t this man ever get tired!!
Paul: Both creatures go flying out of the ring!
Eric: Don’t our refs ever give a damn!
Eric: I mean EVER?! Really, this is getting out of hand.
Paul: Speak of the devil! Jannetty rushes into the ring and superkicks Cortez right in the face!
Paul: He is OUT FOR THE COUNT.
Paul: With his back turned to the action, however, BOTH combatants seem to have been eliminated!
Paul: As they’re both on the floor.
Eric: Oh GOD no!
Eric: No way.
Eric: Can’t we ever have a finish!! JUST ONCE!
Jack: So this thing is going to end with no winner?!
Eric: *breaks down in tears*
Jack: No, it can’t.
Jack: I’ll fix this!
Paul: My God…what…what is Jack Russell doing??
Paul: He’s leaving the announcers table and heading straight into the ring!
Paul: Eric, wake up!
Jack: I am the true champion, anyway!
Paul: You gotta see this!
Eric: He has all three fallen men and Jannetty in one MASSIVE headlock!
Paul: He then climbs to the top rope, still holding the three men!
Jack: I’d rather pop off your head then let this match be dead!
Eric: And he just tosses them into the crowd!
Eric: It’s a mad house! Listen to that applause!!
Paul: And with that…it appears as though Jack is the winner of our battle royal!
Paul: Despite not being an official entrant in it!
Eric: Our official rules committee is going to be awfully upset.
Jack: I don’t have to be an entrant to be a champion!
Jack: Just listen to my fans!
Paul: They are screaming his name!
Eric: It’s true.
Eric: We supply what the FAN demands.
Paul: WELL, that just about wraps up another edition of Digital Championship Wrestling!
Jack: Thank you all, I had a ball!
Paul: Thanks for coming, Jack!
Jack: Anytime, non-believer!
Jack: You too, Sniffles!
Paul: I hope, Eric, you now see how replaceable you are.
Eric: I think you’re the replaceable one.
Paul: DAMMIT, the FAN had just forgotten about that!
Eric: GOOD NIGHT! Be sure to come back next month to see more of ME!
Eric: You know, the UNfired ERIC.
Paul: If you’re still around!
Paul: Goodnight everybody!