Digital Championship Wrestling: The Second Annual Dino Rikki Invitational Battle Royal

Here we are, ladies and gentleman, with another EXCITING installment of Digital Championship Wrestling! Here beside me is my partner in announcement, ERIC. And guest host, Paul!

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Jack Russell: Here we are, ladies and gentleman, with another EXCITING installment of Digital Championship Wrestling!

Jack: Here beside me is my partner in announcement, ERIC.

Jack: And guest host, Paul!


Jack: Exactly.

Eric: Who is the one demoted now! HA!

Paul: I’m not the frickin’ guest host!

Jack: Let’s get this match underway.

Eric: What match exactly IS getting underway, Jack?

Jack: I have no idea.

Jack: Oh yeah.

Jack: A battle royal.

Paul: Welcome everyone to the annual Dino Riki Battle Royal! We’re just getting underway with Raz from Psychonauts and Alexander of Daventry from King’s Quest!

Eric: Well this will definitely be one HELL of an evening!

Paul: Who are both in the ring right now.

Paul: And fighting.

Eric: WHAT?! We are starting with some action!? This is unprecedented.

Paul: Look at ’em go!

Jack: Alexander of Daventry? That wimp? How did he get invited to this thing?

Paul: You’d have to ask Dino Riki! He’s in charge of all the invites.

Paul: Looks like he’s not so much of a wimp, though, eh? He just clotheslined Raz right over the top rope, and we’re already ready for our third entrant!

EricEric: Well that sure was speedy! But look out now, it is Goro! From Dark Cloud! The ever-menacing warrior.

Jack: If by menacing, you mean chubby.

Paul: Goro rushes for Alexander, grabs him and delivers a vicious piledriver!

Paul: And then he stomps on Alexander’s head a couple of times.

Jack: Ouch! I’d rather be dead then get stomped in the head.

Paul: Nice rhyming, Jack!

Jack: Thanks! It’s kind of my thing.

Eric: Such fluid movement! I’ve never seen this kind of thing from Goro before; he is fighting with a purpose tonight!

Eric: Alexander is reaching out for the ropes, trying to get his bearings but it isn’t looking good.

Eric: When you get stomped by Goro, your day hasn’t gone as planned.

Paul: Goro picks Alexander up and looks to toss him over the top rope, but before he gets the chance Alexander reverses it into a hurracanrana! There goes Goro!

Jack: I’ve never seen anyone from Daventry with moves like that!

Eric: Apparently Alexander still has some fight left in him as he does the ever famous BRING IT hand motions out towards the corridor.

Paul: And who should appear from the locker room but THE CHIBI-ROBO.

Paul: Who is about a 25th the size of Alexander of Daventry.

chibiJack: Size doesn’t matter!

Jack: Everyone in Radiata is a mutated Chibi person, and we are tough as nails!

Jack: Especially Theatre Vancoor!

Eric: I hear those Vanoor Boys are a rough bunch.

Jack: You hear right.

Eric: Is that an electrical cord? I don’t think those things are legal here in DCW! What is this madness?

Paul: Everything’s legal in battle royals!

Paul: At least I’m pretty sure, as referee Marty Jannetty isn’t stopping Chibi from attempting to choke Alexander out with the cord.

Jack: Isn’t Marty more of a wrestler than a ref?

Paul: Well, he’s been reffing here for…well, it probably adds up to a year, at any rate.

Paul: He’s bound to have picked up something!

Eric: Yes, an excellent use of that cord. This could be the end of Alexander’s surprising start.

Eric: But wait! It looks as if Mr. Robo’s power is draining fast! They sure don’t make batteries like they used too.

Jack: Isn’t it about time for someone else to enter the ring?

Jack: Where’s that countdown?

Paul: Not until one of these two fine combatants are eliminated!

Paul: It’s sort of a gauntlet-style battle royal, you see.

Jack: Sounds like a cop out to me.

Paul: And with a swoon and a sigh, Chibi-Robo hits the mat!

Paul: With no life left in his batteries, it’s unlikely that he’ll be continuing in this matchup.

Eric: It looks to be all over for the metallic hero as Alexander nonchalantly pushes him off the apron.

Jack: Everyone knows you need to bring a backup battery to a battle royal!

Jack: Robo has no one to blame but himself for that one.

Eric: Three men down and the mighty ALEXANDER still reigns!

Paul: Who’s next?!

Jack: Tony Orlando?

Eric: Tony Orlando isn’t in any video games!

Jack: That you know of, Eric.

Eric: Well yeah, you really called my bluff on that one, Jack.

Eric: Look! It’s Cortez! From Timesplitters!

Paul: Cortez dives right under the bottom rope but gets dropkicked right in the face by a surprisingly-full-of-energy Alexander!

Eric: But that is just a minor inconvenience for the bloodthirsty Cortez who shakes it off and begins his charge anew.

Eric: A charge, right through the ring and resulting in a spill onto the outside.

Eric: Good show, Cortez! Good show.

Paul: Does that constitute an elimination? I think he’s eliminated!

Eric: Oh he totally is. Bring on the next challenger.

Eric: Please.

Jack: I agree! Next!

Paul: Well if it isn’t ToeJam!

Eric: Oh God, that HACK?!

Jack: Without Earl, he is nothing.

Eric: Everyone knows Earl is the real talent in that duo.

Paul: If anyone can take on the ferocious Alexander of Daventry, it’s ToeJam.

Paul: With…or WITHOUT…Earl.

Eric: Really? Because he looks pretty terrified out there to me.

Jack: I thought Alex just got eliminated by Cortez.

Eric: I think I even see some tears forming.

Paul: That was Cortez who got eliminated by himself!

Paul: I think.

Eric: No, Cortez just charged out of the ring.

Jack: Then why is he still in the ring?!

Paul: He may look terrified, but it’s all a ruse! Before entering the ring ToeJam pulled a present out from under it.

Eric: The ref should be taking care of Mr. Cortez over there; don’t you pay these guys Paul?

Jack: Marty is really dropping the ball tonight.

Eric: And it appears ToeJam was awarded with some rocket skates! I’m not too sure they will be of much help in a battle royal.

Paul: Sure they well! They’ll…oh wait…they appear to have just driven him straight into a turnbuckle.

Eric: And it is looking like the turnbuckle has the upper hand in that battle.

Eric: How many people are in this thing?

Paul: Ten.

Paul: We’re up to six.

Jack: Six?

Paul: I think?

Eric: Alexander rushes over to the turnbuckle and begins to repeatedly bash Mr. Jam’s face into it.

Eric: Yes, six.

Jack: Why is Cortez still in the ring?

Paul: I thought he was outside of it!

Jack: Not according to my eyes.

Eric: He has snuck back inside! Without a peep from Mr. Jannetty!

Jack: And my eyes tell no lies.

Eric: And wait… what is this?! A LOW BLOW on Alexander the not-so-great! He appears to be out cold.

Jack: Is that legal?

Eric: Oh yeah, like I know what is legal and not.

Jack: So you are like Marty!

Eric: Exactly!

Jack: Maybe you should be the ref!

Eric: Couldn’t do any worse.

Paul: Almost effortlessly, Cortez tosses Alexander right out of the right! He then exits himself, leaving only a nearly lifeless ToeJam.

Eric: MADNESS!!! This has NEVER before been seen in ANY battle royal!

Paul: Ever!

Eric: We are making some history tonight folks!

Paul: This is the biggest night in the history of our industry!

Jack: Speaking of history, ToeJam is done for.

Paul: By GAWD, what will happen next?!

Jack: The next contender has an easy time here.

Paul: But who IS the next contender?!

Eric: ToeJam shakes his head and blinks a few times, just in time to get a peek of his newest challenger….

Eric: Jack Frost.

Jack: Hey hey hey.

Jack: I’m the only Jack around here.

Paul: Jack Frost? He’s not from any videogame!

Eric: Apparently not, eh Mr. Russell?

Paul: What videogame is Jack Frost from!

jackfrostEric: He is from Nocturne! YOU FOOL.

Eric: Jeez, what kinda n00b are you?

Jack: He’s from all of the Shin Megami Tensei games, actually.

Jack: That’s pathetic, Paul.

Jack: I thought you were an authority on this stuff.

Paul: I don’t play crappy games, sorry.

Paul: For example: I’ve never played Radiata Stories.

Paul: But let’s get back to the match!

Eric: Jack Frost skips his way to the middle of the ring and looks down on the pummeled ToeJam contemplating what he should do next.

Jack: ARGH!

Eric: I sense some hostility between my two co-hosts; we might have some better action up here!

Eric: BY GAWD! Jack Russell has just thrown Paul right in to the ring.

Eric: He quickly follows him in and lands some VICIOUS right hands.

Eric: Oh no! NO!! DONT DO IT JACK!!

Eric: Jack is using the ropes to choke the life out of the helpless commentator.

Eric: He is merely a man Jack! Not a legend like yourself!! Spare his pitiful soul!!

Jack: I suppose you have a point.

Jack: I think he’s learned his lesson, anyway.

Eric: Yeah.

Jack: And the audience hasn’t paid enough to see ME in action.

Eric: Though he might need some new lessons.

Eric: On like how to breathe.

Jack: Oh, he will be fine.

Jack: I held back!

Eric: Well! With all that commotion we missed the SPECTACULAR elimination of ToeJam.

Eric: Well, at least I’m sure it was spectacular.

Eric: No way ToeJam would disappoint us.

Jack: No way.

Jack: Especially not in his third game.

Paul: And Paul makes it back to the announcers table just in time to see entrant number eight!

Jack: Welcome back, blasphemer!

Eric: Yeah, wow, talk about slacking off at work.

Paul: By GAWD, it’s Midna! From Twilight Princess!

Paul: That beastly thing that rides Link when he’s in wolf form!

Eric: Oooh right of course.

Eric: Why didn’t I know that.

Paul: Because you have no taste!

Jack: I’d rather eat some yeast than fight that beast!

Paul: That was a good one, Jack!

Eric: The mass of snow balls vs. a beast that rides feral wolf: one of the all time classic match ups that we here at DCW always bring to the table.

Paul: That’s no ordinary beast, however: That beast has a GIANT HAND!!!


Jack: He is a John Cena fan?

Eric: No, no, that’s Brock Lesnar, right, he is a Brock Lesnar fan.

Jack: Why does he have the giant inflatable Cena hand, then?

Paul: She likes them both equally, actually.

Paul: Though she does consider herself a member of the “Chain Gang.”

Eric: Wait, it’s a she?

Jack: A she? Really?

Paul: Sure is!

Eric: How can you tell?

Paul: She has breasts!

Jack: Well, that’s frightening.

Eric: I don’t see them.

Paul: Well, they’re not very big.

Eric: Well what’s the point in them, then.

Jack: I’d rather eat a bat than have sex with… that.


Paul: Midna picks up Jack Frost with her giant hand and dangles him helplessly over the ropes!

Jack: This doesn’t look good!

Eric: This looks to be over quick! But wait….Jack Frost wriggles free and darts to the other side of the ring.

Paul: And he rushes back, hitting Midna with a SICKENING spear!

Jack: More like an icicle.

Eric: Well it sure it would be sickening, if Midna had actually felt anything.

Eric: But the attempted maneuver only seems to have angered this small-breasted beast as it is now chasing the tiny Mr. Frost about the inside of the ring.

Paul: And she backhands the foul icy thing right over the top rope!

Jack: And here comes the next contestant! Come on down!

Jack: I said, come on down!

Paul: Oh my God, it’s…!

Jack: Bastion Misawa?!

Eric: YES! The one.

Eric: The only.

Eric: BASTION! The card dueling maniac!

Paul: Oh no! How will Midna ever deal some lame 12-year-old who plays Yu-Gi-Oh!

Jack: Stirless Earth, indeed! Let’s see if he can stand strong versus the mighty one-handed beast woman!

Eric: He is not just any lame 12 year old! He is an RA YELLOW!! AN RA YELLOW!

Paul: What the hell does that mean??

Eric: You just don’t know anything, do you.

Jack: He plays Yu-Gi-Oh as much as Midna plays Twilight Princess!

Eric: Uh oh! The beasty looks to be in trouble—Bastion has just played a monster in face down defense position.

Paul: Goodness!

Paul: …

Paul: What a nerd.

Jack: You are such a bigot.

Eric: WHAT?! Midna just ATE the damned card.

Eric: I don’t think that is in the rules.

Jack: I sure hope he set some trap cards!

Paul: What the hell are you people talking about???

Jack: The match, you travesty of announcement.

Eric: Bastion makes his way to the other side of the ring, throwing down cards as he goes.

cortezEric: Midna doesn’t seem phased as she just continues to rip apart each and every one with her vicious fangs!!

Jack: Wait…is that…Cortez?!

Paul: Not that fiend again!

Jack: What is he doing back out here?!

Eric: And he has Chibi-Robo’s damn cord in his hands!!

Eric: What is that rotten scoundrel up too!

Jack: No good!

Paul: He just tripped Midna and pulled her out of the ring!

Paul: And he carries her away, cackling maniacally.

Paul: As he heads toward the locker room he passes our FINAL ENTRANT coming down the ramp!

Paul: And!

Paul: It is none other!

Eric: Oooh man I hope its good.

Paul: Than Ash Ketchum.

Eric: Oh God.

Jack: No way.

Eric: This is Yu-Gi-Oh territory, bitch!

Jack: I can feel the electricity!

Paul: Pokemon so owns Yu-Gi-Oh, and you know it!

Jack: This is the match of the century! I honestly don’t know who will win!

Eric: Ash races towards the ring, whips out one of his well known Pokeballs and hurls it straight towards Bastion.

Paul: But Bastion bats it away with a Yu-Gi-Oh card, which he then places on the mat!

Paul: The ball explodes and out pops Pikachu…but what’s that that’s going on with the card?!

Jack: It’s a torrential tribute!

Jack: Pikachu is destroyed!

Eric: Look at the fur fly! Poor electric rat.

Paul: Ash is undaunted! He throws down another ball, and out pops… SNORLAX.

Jack: Wow, looks like Bastion retaliates with a monster… in defense position….

Eric: Oh yeah, I can just feel the excitement brewing now.

Jack: Sleeping and defending… do your matches always go this excitingly, fellows?

Paul: …Which then gets punched in the face by Snorlax!

Paul: They’re not usually this exciting, actually!

Eric: No, we can only hope for this kind of excitement!

Eric: And with that punch in the face it awakens the monster Bastion had summoned!

Eric: Whatever could it be!

Paul: Hell if I know!

Jack: I’m not sure, either!

Jack: But I do know one thing!

Jack: Cortez is coming back for more!

Paul: Not again!

Eric: He has Snorlax and the strange Dino creature that Bastion has summoned in either hand now.

Eric: And is doing some kind of crazy tornado spin!

Eric: How can he manage this! Doesn’t this man ever get tired!!

Paul: Both creatures go flying out of the ring!

Eric: Don’t our refs ever give a damn!

Eric: I mean EVER?! Really, this is getting out of hand.

Paul: Speak of the devil! Jannetty rushes into the ring and superkicks Cortez right in the face!


Paul: With his back turned to the action, however, BOTH combatants seem to have been eliminated!

Paul: As they’re both on the floor.

Eric: Oh GOD no!

Eric: No way.

Eric: Can’t we ever have a finish!! JUST ONCE!

Jack: So this thing is going to end with no winner?!

Eric: *breaks down in tears*

Jack: No, it can’t.

Jack: I’ll fix this!

Paul: My God…what…what is Jack Russell doing??

Paul: He’s leaving the announcers table and heading straight into the ring!

Paul: Eric, wake up!

Jack: I am the true champion, anyway!

Paul: You gotta see this!

Eric: WHOA!!!

Eric: He has all three fallen men and Jannetty in one MASSIVE headlock!

Paul: He then climbs to the top rope, still holding the three men!

Jack: I’d rather pop off your head then let this match be dead!

Eric: And he just tosses them into the crowd!

Eric: It’s a mad house! Listen to that applause!!

Paul: And with that…it appears as though Jack is the winner of our battle royal!

Paul: Despite not being an official entrant in it!

Eric: Our official rules committee is going to be awfully upset.

Jack: I don’t have to be an entrant to be a champion!

Jack: Just listen to my fans!

Paul: They are screaming his name!

Eric: It’s true.

Eric: We supply what the FAN demands.

Paul: WELL, that just about wraps up another edition of Digital Championship Wrestling!

Jack: Thank you all, I had a ball!

Paul: Thanks for coming, Jack!

Jack: Anytime, non-believer!

Jack: You too, Sniffles!

Paul: I hope, Eric, you now see how replaceable you are.

Eric: I think you’re the replaceable one.

Eric: Chuckles.

Paul: DAMMIT, the FAN had just forgotten about that!

Eric: HA!

Eric: GOOD NIGHT! Be sure to come back next month to see more of ME!

Eric: You know, the UNfired ERIC.

Paul: If you’re still around!

Paul: Goodnight everybody!

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