This is one of those games that you just want to backhand compliment all goddamn day. In 2002 this game was great, but it’s kind of shitty today, although it still holds a bit of charm. Just so everybody knows, before I get into this game, I AM…James Bond of Her Majesty’s Secret Service, although I lack a license for any likeness of anyone from any of the films, so my character looks mostly like a Frankenstein mixture of Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan. I’m Rotimpi, and so it shall be. Onwards.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
This game is in the unending pile of games I bought and then never played, only to play them now for GameCola and find out how bad they really suck. My first mission has me off to find a captured operative named Nightshade. The company Identicon is running a front for nuclear weapon manufacturing and…well, and who really gives a shit? I go to see Q and he gives me a Q-Claw, a Q-Laser and a Q-Decoder. I guess he learned how to name his weapons from Batman, the egotistical shits.
We open with me calmly scaling an enormous floating platform to access a helicopter pad. I’m serious; it must’ve been 20 stories up off the water. I have no idea how I did it, because the only two people I know who could have are Spiderman and Jesus. I must be a great spy, but I should be a fucking superhero if I’ve got powers like these. The only two ways into the building are accessed by a) my Q-Claw or b) my Q-Decoder. Security seemed either too relaxed or too busy hitting on each other’s moms too care. I choose my Q-Claw and, like the Bionic Commando, I am magically pulled up onto the roof of the building ahead of me, never mind that if I was pulled up a line that fast I would be referred to as One-Armed Rotimpi for the rest of my life, ’cause it would’ve pulled that bastard right out of its socket.
I sneak across a rooftop and enter what appears to be a small attic-like area. I can see a guard through a window down one flight. I take steady aim and fire, discovering that my super high-tech multi-thousand dollar weapon uses either Pac-Man pellets or gigantic yellow Nerf capsule pills. I could’ve gone down there wearing a flowered nightgown wielding a pillow filled with love and adorable teddy bears and felt more secure. And, of course, there’s no blood at all. Because, seriously, would you bleed if I only shot you six times in the face with a powerful hand gun? That’s right, you wouldn’t. This is making my brain hurt and I’m only 25 minutes in.
Friday February 9, 2007
So, I’ve killed my first few guys and I’m making my way to the submarine where Nightshade is being held. As I’m heading around balcony unto endless balcony, I begin to notice a distinct lack of variety in the enemy soldiers. I decide to confront the next one I see.
Me: “Wait! Wait, don’t shoot! I’ve got something to tell you! I think…I may have just killed your twin brother. I’m so sorry, but he was dressed exactly like you, looked exactly like you. Same haircut, boots and pack…hmm… Are you sure you’re not the guy I killed back there?”
Soldier: “What?! Noooo! Not Bobby! Or, I guess it could have been Jason. Or Anthony. Mikey? To be honest, I’ve got a lot of twin brothers. Oh man, Mom is going to be so pissed!”
Me: “Hey man, I’m really sorry. No I mean it, please don’t cry.”
Soldier (Sobbing): “You just murdered my brothers! Oh God, they were all I had! They were my worl—”
BLAM!
I had to shoot him. I hate it when people weep around me. I’m the world’s most famous and ruthless spy, so don’t expect any fucking sympathy from me for a cry-baby.
You know, while I’m at it, let’s run through one more scenario. I swear to god, I have absolutely no idea who designed these warehouses, but I’ll tell you about who did the interior decoration. I can just hear the henchman meeting now:
Head Henchman (Calls for order): “All right boys, we know Bond is somewhere in this building. Johnson?”
Henchman Johnson (Springs to his feet): “Yes, sir!”
HH: “I want you to get with Eggers and start rounding up any exploding, highly-flammable toxic barrels that you can find and start scattering them around the building near our numerous empty crates.”
HJ & HE (In unsion): “Yes, sir!” (They trot off)
HH: “Now, as for the rest of you—and this is very important—I’m going to need you to position yourselves strategically all around the compound, directly next to the barrels. That way, if he shoots them, your bodies will nobly take most of the direct blast. There will, of course, be plaques put up in honor of your sacrifice.”
Silence.
Thursday February 22, 2007
So, I’ve been on this goddamn submarine level forever. It’s almost impossible to die in this game, but I manage. A lot. So, I fight a million generic soldiers and finally make it to Nightshade and the submarine. Nightshade is sensibly wearing an incredibly short mini-skirt, a see-through white blouse and fuck-me boots. Perfect attire for a spy. Oh, and she’s manacled to a pole on the outer side of the sub. A countdown starts, and I realize if I stand around long enough I can watch Nightshade drown as the sub slowly submerges with her still on the deck. It automatically ends the game, but it was by far the most amusing part to this point. Eventually I go down and save her and begin to wonder: Is this a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world (Go Joe!) or Ms. Kent’s special needs 3rd period class on a field trip to witness pure evil? God, the AI just blows.
Like sports games, I think that first-person shooters just don’t age well. I played this thing for hours and hours, and there were a few cool spots. Driving was kind of fun; the Streets of Bucharest was kind of fun. There’s a scene where you infiltrate an embassy to get secrets and assassinate people. But it’s hard to get past the fact that this shit looks barely better than a Jaguar game. The environments and buildings look like my three-year-old niece got the position of programmer by just showing up with two pails of Duplo blocks. Have you ever been shot in the face with a super-soaker filled with sulfuric acid and angry, bitter piranhas? Or stared directly into the sun until your retinas caught fire? If so, then welcome, brother or sister. You’ve passed initiation.
Go play 007: Everything or Nothing because it’s actually a good Bond game.
