Ever thought about who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? That’s what Digital Championship Wrestling is here for.
Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Greetings our loyal fan, and welcome to yet another thrilling edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and boy have we ever got a slobberknocker for you tonight.
Paul: Ain’t that right, Eric?
Eric: Oh yes, a slobberknocker! Either that or another ill-conceived DCW gimmick match. One or the other. OOOH YEAAH.
Paul: Well this “ill-conceived gimmick match” has always worked in pro-wrestling before, Eric! Who can forget the classics had by Mick Foley and The Rock, Ric Flair and Terry Funk, and, of course, Norman Smiley and M.I. Smooth.
Paul: Two videogame greats will join them as contemporaries this month as DCW holds its first ever I QUIT match! Let’s go to the ring to see just who these future sports entertainment legends are.
Paul: Making his way to the ring now….by GAWD Eric, it’s been over a decade since we’ve last seen this man! It’s Crono, from that absolutely phenomenal Super Nintendo hit Chrono Trigger! Oh, sure, he made a vague appearance in Cross…but that’s the real deal, right before our very eyes!
Eric: So his name wasn’t Chrono?
Paul: Believe it not, it wasn’t!
Eric: That doesn’t make any sense.
Paul: And look Eric, there’s his opponent for this evening….THE MIGHTY BRIAN.
Eric: You mean Brain, right?
Eric: Some sort of massive killer brain from some game I’m forgetting about?
Eric: It has to be! PLEASE!
Paul: Nope! You can see, Eric, that this is most definitely Brian.
Eric: Well, doesn’t he look…boxy.
Paul: I gotta think that even I have a higher polygon count than Brian, but I guess that’s what you get when you’re from an N64 classic like Quest 64, known universally as one of the worst all-time RPGs.
Eric: “N64 classic”? Sounds like an oxymoron to me.
Paul: A star from the best-ever RPG versus a star from the worst-ever RPG, fighting one-on-one in an I Quit match! Only in DCW.
Paul: There goes new timekeeper Steve Blackman with the bell, signifying that DCW’s first-ever I Quit match is underway!
Paul: Now, for those of you at home who don’t know what an I Quit match is, the rules are simple: Crono and Brian simply have to beat the tar out of each other to the point where one is willing to say “I quit” to the other, thus ending the match.
Paul: Easy enough!
Eric: I hope everyone is ready for some preteen fury! Our two combatants look charged and ready to go.
Paul: And there’s no jaw-jacking from these two to start the match! Heck, I’m not sure I’ve heard a peep out of either of them yet. Crono goes for the quick closeline, which hits, and then follows it up with a Crippler Crossface, apparently looking for a speedy submission!
Eric: Amazing! I don’t think I’ve seen such ferocity since Orlando Jordan was still around.
Eric: However, it seems as though Crono has cut himself on one of the sharp, jagged edges of Brian’s mono-polygonal head! He can’t keep the hold any longer, and Brian is free once again.
Paul: Crono looks horrified at the blood oozing out of his arm, but he’s not quitting just yet—what a trooper that Crono is. I just hope he knows that no tonics will be coming his way until after the match is over!
Eric: Brian goes on the attack, charging at the wounded Crono…this could be trouble!
Paul: He catches Crono from behind with a schoolboy pin attempt, but of course that doesn’t do anything! Referee Marty Jannetty just kind of glares at Brian, who then picks Crono back up and launches him toward the ropes.
Eric: But somehow Crono manages to gain control of his momentum, performing a back flip that lands him right behind the polygonal hero! Oooh look at that vicious drop kick! Brian is floored.
Paul: Crono grabs a microphone and holds it to Brian’s mouth, but Brian doesn’t utter a word! Crono is speechless, unable to comprehend how Brian is still in this thing.
Eric: Unable to comprehend? Man…it was only a dropkick.
Eric: Brian, mustering all of his strength, has taken the microphone and slammed it right into the cut of Crono.
Paul: Brian is using the microphone to make Crono’s polygon-inflicted wound ever larger, and more blood is spilling out onto the James Pond Memorial Colliseum. Crono is practically crying out in pain now—no words are coming out, but you can almost see little tears forming at the corners of his eyes.
Eric: DEAR GOD! This cannot be legal!
Eric: I sure hope you didn’t enjoy being sanctioned, Paul! This could spell our end!
Paul: Oh come on, this is hardly the goriest thing we’ve ever seen in DCW! I still remember Carmen Sandiego/Donkey Kong, Eric. JUST THINK OF THE MIDGETS.
Eric: You are a wily one, Mr. Franzen.
Eric: Despite Brian’s best efforts, Crono does not give in and is beginning to turn the tables. He has loosened Brian’s grip on the microphone, and out of the ring it goes!
Paul: But Crono’s still bleeding pretty badly from that gash in his arm! Crono’s going to have to step it up, and fast, if he doesn’t want to be shamed by one of the worst characters from one of the worst all-time videogames.
Paul: Brian frantically dives out of the ring and after the microphone, and Crono is in hot pursuit, grabbing him by the ankles before he makes it all of the way out of the ring.
Eric: Crono begins to slowly drag Brian back into the ring, but with all that blood loss I’m not sure that he can succeed! Brain is frantically kicking his feet attempting to break free.
Paul: And he succeeds! Brian pushes off of Crono, who falls backwards back into the ring, dazed. Brian makes a mad dash for the microphone, grabs it, and stops to take a breather.
Paul: But Crono’s not allowed to let him take that breather! While Brian’s resting Crono ascends to the top rope…he can only be planning bad things from there, I gotta think.
Eric: To fall pathetically backward onto the canvas, a broken shell of his former self left only with the memories of past glories?
Paul: Not today, Eric! Crono dives headfirst right at Brian and catches him right in the shoulder! IT’S BONZO GONZO!!!!
Eric: What the hell does that even mean.
Paul: I think it might actually be only applicable to tag-team matches.
Paul: BUT THIS MATCH IS SO BY GAWD CRAZY THAT IT DOESN’T MATTER.
Eric: Brian is down! And Crono seizes the opportunity to lock on the dreaded sleeper hold.
Eric: He has it locked in tight! And Brian’s huge polygons aren’t working to his favor this time; they are helping keep the hold locked in tight on his glaring weakness—his tiny throat!
Paul: Brian is in so much pain that he appears to actually be taping out! YES, he is! But Marty Jannetty isn’t calling for the bell because he hasn’t actually said “I QUIT” just yet!
Eric: So he wants to lose but he doesn’t even have the ability.
Eric: DCW’s brilliance STRIKES AGAIN!
Eric: His death will be on your head, FRANZEN!
Paul: Death?? There’s no death!! Just because his face has no color at all? No wait, yes it does…that color just happens to be purple…and a little blue, actually….
Eric: He is frantically waving his arms about! By gawd! This is deplorable.
Paul: I think he’s trying to send some sorta message with the way he’s waving his arms about…but I just can’t make out the meaning! WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY MEAN, ERIC?!
Eric: I have no idea, Paul! But thankfully it seems Jannetty does! He is motioning for the bell.
Paul: And the match is over??
Paul: But that doesn’t make any sense!
Paul: At all!
Eric: It does.
Eric: It’s over.
Eric: Jannetty has just informed me Brian used some sort of crude sign language to relay his desire to quit.
Paul: What?! Why’d he tell you! I’m the one in charge! That is downright bonzo gonzo.
Eric: Apparently Jannetty majored in crude sign language back in his college days.
Paul: BONZO GONZO!!
Eric: Goddamn you.
Eric: Stop it!
Paul: Bonzo gonzo?
Eric: It ain’t cool when that fool says it and it ain’t cool when you say it!
Paul: Oh, TAG.
Paul: Well that’s it for another wonderful edition of DCW!
Eric: Oh yeah. Wonderful.
Paul: We promised you a real ending…and we almost delivered!
Eric: Nowhere near it.
Eric: We’re damned liars
Paul: Well, it wasn’t a count out, was it?
Eric: Close enough.
Eric: GOOD NIGHT!