Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, they’d managed to resurrect their former leader, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora, who returned from the dead fused to the also-deceased QM Girl. They didn’t have time to sort that out, however, as they were also face-to-maw with a horde of deadly singing sea bears. Enrique cast a spell that blinded the fearsome foes, and the whole party thought that was that. But they were wrong.
The sea bears came back, feistier than ever, and that’s where you—the readers—came in. How did our heroes deal with this horde? Did they battle again, or did they run away, or did they try to negotiate? Find out the answers to these questions and more in this month’s edition of The Gates of Life!
Negotiate Like Some Negotiators
Rivers Duo: Look, sea bears, can’t we just work something out?
Blind Horde of Sea Bears: We’re listening.
Rivers Duo: OK, how about….
Render: I’ll handle the negotiations, thanks.
QM Girl: Yeah, we will handle them!
Render: I will handle the negotiations.
QM Girl: But, we should do this together!! We should do everything together!!
Render: All right, here’s the deal, sea bears. You let us go on our way with no trouble, and you can eat Rivers. He is, after all, the one who insisted we have these negotiations.
Rivers Duo: Wha–
Narrator: But before Rivers Duo could finish his sentence, he was swallowed whole by the leader of the horde of blind sea bears. No one could hear, but from deep within the sea bear, Rivers Duo shouted out something about revenge.
Pirate: Arrr. We be thinkin’ that Rivers would be wantin’ some revenge on ye!
Render: What could he possibly do?
Narrator: Just then, the leader of the blind sea bears, as he was walking away with the rest of his troupe, let out a burp. A little green light escaped from his mouth and started making its way toward Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora.
Necrostreeb: Wait, since when is he the captain again?
Necrostreeb: How does that explain anything?
Necrostreeb: On what?!
Rosalito: ¡La luz!
Rosalito: ¡La luz! ¿Cuál es esa luz?
Bar-Bar: I don’t know, but I hope it kills all of you… BASTARDS.
QM Girl: It sure is getting close! Looks like it’s coming right at us!
Render: By us, do you mean the group in general, or y–
Narrator: And, for the second time this episode, someone was cut off suddenly. She, of course, had meant it was coming for Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and her specifically. And it was. It hit the two(one?) of them and exploded in a brilliant splash of color. All green color.
Bar-Bar: Ha! It sure is awesome to not be the one getting hit by fusion crap all the time! Enjoy being a cat, you BASTARDS!
Enrique: There’s no cat–
Enrique: There’s no cat–
Render Girl: What the hell are all of you going on about?! Oh god….
Necrostreeb: Wow…Captain…that is…wow.
Render Girl: I really don’t know what to say about this.
Narrator: Oooohh wow! OK, this you really have to see to understand completely. You see, Rivers Duo’s fusion ability didn’t so much counter the fusion effects in play as it did enhance them. The fusion of those two is now much more… absolute. It seems as though they have fused into one person, with one single consciousness, though much more feminine features have come to the surface. Basically, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora is now a woman. A very, very sexy woman.
Bar-Bar: So, BASTARD, are you free this weekend?
Necrostreeb: If I wasn’t so blatantly gay for Enrique, I’d be wondering the same thing, Captain!
Render Girl: That’s not funny.
Enrique: Actually, it is pretty funny.
Rosalito: Sí, es muy divertido.
Render Girl: Whatever. This changes nothing. Actually wait, maybe it does. I’m not really sure.
Render Girl: Me being a woman won’t prevent us from completing our mission. Let’s just continue.
Enrique: What mission?
Render Girl: Oh, wow… That’s a really good point. OK, I’ll explain in detail everything about what is currently going on and clarify every single thing in the entire The Gates of Life universe before the end of this episode.
Render Girl: A girl?! I can’t be a goddamn GIRL! What, do you expect me to spend the rest of my life SUCKING AT VIDEO GAMES?! No, that’s not happening. I’m not damning myself to a life of fricken’ Mario Party and Barbie’s Horse Adventure and The Sims and whatever the hell else women can manage to figure out. I wanna play MEN games, like Okami, Phantasy Star, and Twilight Princess!!!
Necrostreeb: Uh, ok! Then let’s go find Jonathan!
Necrostreeb: He is our only hope!!
Hold on a Minute!
Rivers Duo: What the hell?! You can’t just KILL me! I’m so coming back, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it! Enrique, CUT OPEN THIS SEA BEAR!!
Enrique: What happened to your precious little negotiations?
Rivers Duo: CUT OPEN THE BEAR!!
This poll ends on May 7.