Want to know what’s up with that cool-lookin’ game that’s coming out soon? Psychic Thumbs has you covered. (Note: The following are all real games that are really being developed.)
Well, it’s another year, and we’re all still here, gaming our little hearts out. Now, I hate to be a downer at the start of the new year, but my predictions in videogame land this month are not going to be all that bright. OK, I lied—I love being a downer. With that in mind, let’s get on to the reviews of these soon-to be-forgotten-before-they-are-released titles! BOOYAH.
Guitar Hero Mobile (Cell)
So, Guitar Hero is a big hit with the young people nowadays. Cell phones are, as well, a big with with the young people nowadays. A Guitar Hero cell phone game? OMG! AMAZING! It will be the greatest cell phone game since…well, OK, maybe all cell phone games suck. Maybe the very idea of cell phone games is pretty stupid.
These facts, however, will not stop this from being a GREAT!! game. No, see, the thing that stops this from being a great game is that it’s Guitar Hero WITHOUT a guitar. Really, now, who wants to be a cell-phone-number-pad hero? Nobody you’d like to spend more than 10 minutes with, that’s for sure.
Is this game good? No, no its not.
Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Down.
Deca Sports (Wii)
In its ongoing attempt to make the full-sized game obsolete, the Wii brings us even more minigames in the form of Deca Sports. If you love the Wii games you, as a Wii owner, already have, then you will absolutely love this title. Of course, you will absolutely love it because you absolutely own it in about 17 forms already. Even with the inclusion of such obscure sports as basket-weaving, beer pong, and crappy-causal-game-creating, this title falls well short of the “not bad” category one can only hope it was striving for.
Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Down.
Kart Attack (X360-XBLA/PS3-PSN/PC)
Apparently, the psychic powers that brought us the simple rule to making kart games that I stated last month did not get to these guys in time, as this game touts itself as the most REALISTIC kart racing game EVER. Guess what? It most definitely IS!
Its high-def graphics really make you feel like you are right there, racing karts around a circle. Now how much fun does that sound!? Not all that much fun, you say? Yeah, see, that’s why they give us zany tracks and crazy characters. Unless there was some huge kart racing boom that I am grossly unaware of and this is the cure for what ails millions, I am going out on a limb and saying this game is not for you.
Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Down.
Afro Samurai (X360/PS3)
After watching the first episode of this cartoon series, I was surprised to hear that it was still around. When I heard it was also a brand new videogame, I just had to test it out! A lot is being said of its magnificent unleashing at the ultra-mega-important and widely watched Spike TV Videogame Awards. It was all people could talk about for a solid three seconds after it was unveiled. Now that is what I call BUZZ.
The true amazingness of this game is not its action sequences or gameplay. No, this game sees right through those ploys and goes directly to what today’s gamer wants: horribly long cutscenes with really, really bad dialogue. I mean, that is where the show founds its niche, so it was necessary to bring it over to the videogame. Playing a mere two or three minutes feels like a chore, but when you are rewarded with that 34-minute cutscene with Oldy McCoolsamurair spouting wisdom to Youngster McFreshface, you know that you have chosen the right game to spend the rest of your life playing.
Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Up!
Boom Blox (Wii)
Hey, Steven Spielberg! He makes awesome movies! Let’s get him in on some of this hot videogame action. Now if, for some reason, blocks to your mind while reading that last statement, I would call you strange. You would also be 
absolutely correct! Steven Spielberg is bringing us Boom BLOX. Because when I think of Spielberg, I definitely think of 3D puzzle games. Don’t worry folks! It is going to be on the Wii. So you know it’s gonna be good!
While many think that puzzle games have their place…on handheld systems, BLOOM BLOX breaks all stereotypes with is rip-roaring fast-paced blox-based action! OK, I lied it. It’ss about exciting as that steer-the-helicopter flash game you play when you’re really, really, REALLY bored. Thankfully, Steven Spielberg is on board with it. At least it is assured to sell one copy
Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Down.
Ah! The future of gaming looks as bleak as ever, does it not? I’m sorry I could not have brought more of the HOLIDAY cheer, but, well, as always, ol’ Captain Eric has to keep it real in the videogame kingdom. Be sure to come back next month to see just how low the Wii can sink next! Just kidding. Ilove the Wii. Honest.
