Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, they had inadvertently gone their separate ways. Rivers and DNN were traversing a wonderful world full of dandelions and free foot massages, trying to discover what great evil was plaguing the world, while Render Girl was stuck in parts unknown attempting to choke herself to death, while Bar-Bar and Narrator were still in the last level trying to catch up.
And that’s where you, the readers, came in! What, exactly, was this great evil that Rivers was sent to destroy? Would Render Girl survive her own assault? And what would Bar-Bar do once he finally got to where he was supposed to be? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this month’s episode of The Gates of Life!
This Gate is a Trap
DNN: Look up.
DNN: See that castle up there? We need to get to that castle.
DNN: I’ll explain later, my son. Just climb aboard this giant antelope butterfly.
Render Girl: *wakes up*
Render Girl: Ugh…I’m still alive? God dammit. I guess I’ll have to find another way to die.
Render Girl: Where am I, anyway? Some sort of castle?
Barin: Why didn’t you tell me ALL narrators have the ability to make portals? SONOFA…Let us get going to that BASTARD, you BASTARD.
DNN: We’ve fallen into a trap, my son.
Rivers: What?! Why?
DNN: That is not important, my son; we just need to plan our escape.
Rivers: I guess you’re right! We need to get into that castle.
DNN: We are inside the castle, my son.
Rivers: What?! How?
DNN: The trap is inside of the castle, my son.
Rivers: That doesn’t explain how we got into the castle.
DNN: We fell into the trap, my son.
Rivers: So we fell into the castle?
DNN: We fell into the trap, my son.
Rivers: Which is in the castle.
DNN: Yes, my son.
Rivers: So we just fell into the castle, then?
DNN: No, my son, we fell into the trap.
Rivers: Ohh! I get it. Because it is in the castle.
DNN: Exactly, my son.
Rivers: What exactly is this trap? How do we get out of here?
DNN: You must open the door, my son. Only you can free us from this endless dungeon of torment.
Rivers: Since when are we in a dungeon?
DNN: Since we fell into the trap, my son.
Rivers: Ah, OK. So why am I the only one who can open the door? Do I have special powers?
DNN: You have that which I do not, my son. Only with your abilities can we open the door and continue through the castle on the magical giant antelope butterfly.
Rivers: Why would we fly around the castle on a giant antelope butterfly?
DNN: Because, my son, the castle has no floors.
DNN: Yes, my son. That is why we fell into this trap.
Rivers: Ohh, right! It’s making a lot of sense now. I’ll go open the door. How do I activate my special powers?
DNN: Your abilities awakened long ago, my son. Simply reach out and pull the door open.
Rivers: My abilities already awakened? You mean my fusion abilities? I have to fuse the door open?
DNN: No, my son. You must pull the door open.
Rivers: That’s it? Why am I the only one who can do this, then?
DNN: Because, my son. I do not have arms.
DNN: All right, my son, open the door of destiny and let us be off on our adventure through the Castle of Wonderment. You will become the champion of your destiny soon enough.
Render Girl: So, it looks like he got out of the trap. I didn’t think he’d be able to do that alone. Unless…oh my God…don’t tell me he’s awakened his Narrator! This could pose some serious problems to my future plans. I will have to find a way to take care of him soon. Very soon.
Bar-Bar: Where in BASTARD’s name did this portal take us?!
Bar-Bar: A SWAMP?! Why the BASTARD would we want to be in a swamp?
Narrator: Because the swamp is where we will find the secret entrance to the castle.
Bar-Bar: And why do we want to BASTARD this castle?
Narrator: Bar-Bar suddenly understood why we need to get into the castle.
Bar-Bar: Ah ha! That’s BASTARD!
Narrator: I know it is. And once we are inside, I can finally awaken as a true Narrator. Heh heh heh…. People will finally have no choice but to listen to me!
Render Girl: There is no way any of them will get through this. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter. They don’t have to be stopped forever. They just have to be stalled long enough for me to make my way into the inner sanctum. Once I’m in, it will be far too late for anyone to stop me, even if they do get passed this ingenious mechanism. It won’t be long now. I will awaken my Narrator, and this world will be mine to do with what I will!
Rivers: Wait, who is that down there?
DNN: Do not worry, my son. We must press on.
Rivers: He looks so familiar, though! And it looks like he needs some help!
DNN: There is precious little time, my son. You must quickly decide what you are going to do.
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Rivers: It looks like…Render Girl?!
Render Girl: Muahahahahahahaha!
Rivers: It looks like…Bar-Bar?!
Rivers: You are right. I cannot waste time helping out distressed people who resemble my closest friends. I must ignore all pleas for help and press on until I finish my noble quest.
DNN: A wise choice, my son. Muahahahahaha!
This poll ends on January 7.