Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, Rivers and DNN had fallen into the trap inside of the Castle of Wonders. They escaped mostly unharmed, but it was unclear where they should go next. Meanwhile, Bar-Bar and Narrator were trying to get into the Castle themselves for reasons unknown, and Render Girl was trying to reach the Inner Sanctum of the Castle in order to unlock her True Narrator.
Rivers saw someone in need of his help, and that’s where you, the readers, came in. Who was it that needed Rivers’ help? Would Rivers give this help? What were Bar-Bar and Narrator trying to achieve? Would Render Girl achieve her own goal and unlock her True Narrator? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this month’s episode of The Gates of Life!
Chapter Fifty-Four
Rendered Asunder
Rivers: Wait, who is that down there?
DNN: Do not worry, my son. We must press on.
Rivers: He looks so familiar, though! And it looks like he needs some help!
DNN: There is precious little time, my son. You must quickly decide what you are going to do.
Rivers: It looks like…Render Girl?!
Render Girl: Muahahahahahahaha!
Disguised Neo-Narrator (DNN): Flying around the completely floorless Castle of Wonderment on their giant antelope butterfly, Rivers and DNN came across Render Girl, who, unbeknownst to anyone but her, had just put the finishing touches on the ingenious mechanism she had designed for the sole purpose of keeping Rivers and DNN at bay.
Render Girl: Muahaha..ha..ha…*cough* oh, hey Rivers, how’s it going?
Rivers: Were you just cackling manically to yourself?
Render Girl: It was more of a guffaw than a cackle. Cackling’s for women.
Rivers: So you’ve finally found your penis!
Render Girl: So hey, yeah, speaking of which, how about you get over here—I need your help.
Rivers: This won’t take long, will it? I’m supposed to be destroying the great evil of this castle in order to save the incredible world of dandelion-coated streets and Surge rivers just outside its walls.
Render Girl: Great evil? What great evil? I don’t think there’s a great evil here, Rivers. Just help me out and pull this switch.
DNN: My son, this pitiful dickless mortal knows not what he speaks of. Forget him; we have bigger problems to handle.
Rivers: All I have to do is pull the switch?
Render Girl: Yep.
Rivers: It’ll take two seconds, DNN; I really don’t think it’s gonna mess up our mission.
!MEANWHILE!
Bar-Bar: Where the BASTARD is this secret entrance to the castle?
Narrator: It’s…it’s right around here, somewhere.
Bar-Bar: WHERE’S THE BASTARD ENTRANCE?!
Narrator: Do you wanna be the hero of this story or not? How about you find it. God damn.
Bar-Bar: Ah, of course! Of course! Only the true hero of this story could find this oh-so-secret entrance.
Bar-Bar: The first step to reclaiming my dynasty awaits me! Where is this accursed entrance…I will find it if it is the last BASTARD thing I do!
Bar-Bar: Stand aside, Narrator—my destiny awaits. My destiny to be the one true hero of this story. It’s almost time! I am so close to achieving my ultimate dr–
Narrator: Oh Jesus Christ. Forget this crap–we don’t have the time to wait for him to finish his talking.
Narrator: Bar-Bar and Narrator found the secret entrance and entered the castle.
!MEANWHILE!
DNN: My son, if you had listened to my opening narration, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Rivers: I thought that was just for the readers.
DNN: It’s for everyone! You should listen to your narrators! They know what they’re talking about!
Rivers: Do you know how to get us out of this mechanism before that gargantuan swinging blade slices our faces off?
DNN: Well, my son, I think it would be best if you figured it out for yourself…
Rivers: Well, OK, lemme just take a look around–
DNN: …but, I’m not gonna wait for that to happen.
DNN: Rivers and DNN found the secret button to stop the blade, which, conveniently, also opened a door to the Inner Sanctum, where the treacherous Render Girl had run to.
!MEANWHILE!
Render Girl: Hah! There’s no friggin’ way they’re gonna get to me here. And if they do, it’ll be too late; my True Narrator will have been unleashed onto this world.
Render Girl: And I will finally have regained my manhood, once and for all.
Render Girl: So! I guess I’ll just step up onto this mystical-looking platform here and see what happens.
!MEANWHILE!
Bar-Bar: BASTARD, are we almost there? How will we know whe–OHMYGOD, this castle has no FLOORS!
Narrator: Bar-Bar and Narrator flew to the entrance of the Inner Sanctum.
!MEANWHILE!
DNN: Rivers and DNN burst into the Inner Sanctum, where they saw Render Girl standing on a metal platform, three bright yellow laser beams shooting through her.
Rivers: See? That’s why I don’t pay attention to you. You’re just stating the obvious.
DNN: My son….
DNN: Oh, my son….
DNN: You will learn to–
Narrator: And then, Bar-Bar and Narrator burst onto the scene as well!
Bar-Bar: It’s time, you BASTARD! Time for you to DIE, and time for me to reclaim my BASTARD right as the hero of thi–
Narrator: Give it a rest, hot shot. This isn’t all about you.
Bar-Bar: –s story! Draw your sword, BASTARD! This time, it’s to the de–
Narrator: You fool! Nobody cares! You’re a horrible fighter, your dialogue sucks, and you’re never going to be the hero of the story.
Narrator: That’s one of the first thing’s we’re going to see to when we take over.
Rivers: ….?
Narrator: Ah, DNN! Glad to see you’d made it! Too bad you couldn’t get rid of Rivers Fusion.
DNN: Alas, there wasn’t any time; I wanted to narrate here as quickly as I could so I wouldn’t miss my other underling’s return.
Narrator: I feel you; I had the same trouble with this ignorant loaf. Perhaps we will deal with them for permanent once he’s back?
DNN: Perhaps. For right now, though, I think it’s time for me to reveal my true identity.
Render Girl: I can feel it happening…I think…I’ve almost…got it….
DNN: Yes, I think the time is right.
DNN: Rivers! You didn’t really think I was this asinine “DNN” narrator, did you?
DNN: You can’t possibly be that dense!
Neo-Narrator: It is I, Neo-Narrator! Your own True Narrator! And the True Narrator of this story.
Rivers: My…huh? Wait, I kind of feel like I might’ve known that already….
Render Girl: AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!
Bloodeater Narrator: And with a horrific scream from Render Girl, I, her True Narrator, Bloodeater Narrator, exploded from within his very soul and onto the scene!
Render Girl: AUHGHAGGHGGGGHHHHH.
Rivers: What the hell is that thing?!
Narrator: Ah…I can feel the power of this room coming over me…I can feel it…I can…I FEEL…I FEEL POWERFUL! I FEEL POWERFUL!!!
Narrator: RAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHH!! AHA! YESSSSS! How does it feel, BAR-BAR? How does it feel having your TRUE NARRATOR around??
Rivers: What in God’s name is going on here?!
Rivers: Are you guys rising from wherever the hell you just came from to help me take on this ultimate evil?
Rivers: ‘Cause I’m pretty goddamn sure that’s what we’re all here for!
Rivers: So…where is this evil?
Neo-Narrator: Hah! My son…there never was a great evil plaguing this land.
Rivers: ….
Neo-Narrator: But there is now.
Rivers: ….!
Neo-Narrator: This land, and all lands, will soon fall under the reign of Narrator, Bloodeater Narrator, and Neo-Narrator, the soon-to-be lords of all that exists!
Neo-Narrator: EVERYTHING you’ve been doing these last several chapters…you’ve only been working to help we three awaken.
Neo-Narrator: And now that we’ve all awaken—we, the Narrators United Doom Squad—NOBODY WILL BE ABLE TO STOP US! Everyone will have to listen to us!
Neo-Narrator: THERE WILL BE NO IGNORING OF NARRATORS. WE WILL OWN THIS WORLD, AND ALL WORLDS!
Neo-Narrator: And it’s all thanks to you three: Render Girl, Rivers, and Bar-Bar.
Render Girl: Uughh…blerrghhh…ruughh…wr..w…wait a second!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Narrators Gone Wild
Render Girl: That’s not how this was supposed to go down! You were definitely just supposed to give me my penis back.
Neo-Narrator: You FOOL! Why would we waste our powers on such a small matter!
Render Girl: You did not just say that.
Rivers: Forget about it Render Girl; we have to stop them!
Rivers: We can’t take on the ultimate powers of the Narrators United Doom Squad by ourselves; but I think I know someone who can.
Rivers: We have to visit the Council of Narrators to speak with PoCoN!
War of the Narrators
Render Girl: That’s not how this was supposed to go down! You were definitely just supposed to give me my penis back.
Neo-Narrator: You FOOL! Why would we waste our powers on such a small matter!
Render Girl: You did not just say that.
Rivers: Forget about it Render Girl; we have to stop them!
Rivers: We can’t take on the ultimate powers of the Narrators United Doom Squad by ourselves; they are, by far, the most powerful narrators we’ve ever come across.
Rivers: But, they aren’t the only narrators we’ve ever come across.
Rivers: We must somehow contact Narrator Two, Narrator Past, and yes, even Evil Narrator, to enlist them into our own army of narrators!
Whole Again, Whole Again, Jiggety Jig
Render Girl: When do I get my penis back!
Neo-Narrator: Don’t think we’ll be forgetting the part you played in our rising, Render Girl.
Neo-Narrator: Or should I say…Render.
Render Girl: OH MY GOD YES.
Neo-Narrator: As promised, for your great assistance…we are RESTORING YOUR MANHOOD!
Render: YES! OH LORD! I AM WHOLE AGAIN! YES!!!!!!
Neo-Narrator: And that’s not all—we’d also like to extend you an offer to join the Narrators United Doom Squad as an honorary narrator.
This poll ends on February 7.
