Mario Kart, Mario Kart,
Oh, how long I have loved thee!
From Super NES to Double Dash,
And now you’re on the Wii!
Reserve my copy early on
From the whores at the GameStop.
It comes with a free wheel, oh, wow!
A steaming pile of plop.
I take it home and whip it out,
No, it’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean the game, you pervy creep,
Now it’s time for racing.
It takes some time to acclimate,
But I’m once again the king!
Until I try to race a bike,
What the hell is this thing?
The controls are weird and irksome,
Although quickly become clear,
And soon again I am in first,
This poem’s getting queer.
The graphics, good, the sound is too,
But the A.I. cheats like hell,
So I will fucking kill D.K.
If he throws one more shell.
You’re hit by someone’s lightning bolt
And you slide right off the track,
You were in first, now you’re in sixth
And not done getting jacked.
Environmental obstacles
Are dropped right in front of you,
So kiss your placement score good-bye
The trophy goes to Boo.
At first I thought the classic tracks
Were just kind of weak and flat,
But half the tracks are separate.
(Three syllables, ass hat.) —^
The newer tracks are great for tricks,
But luck decides the winner,
Cause items throw you off the course—
I’m hungry, where’s dinner?
The older tracks you need more skill,
The items have less impact.
The power slide or wheelie stunt
Will keep your rank intact.
Multiplayer is also great
For you to battle online
And get pwned by a stupid kid
Who’s probably only nine.
Now if you want to play a friend
You will need to have their code
And beating them is just as fun
As trouncing some dumb choad.
The chat is gimped, that’s nothing new,
Cause this is not X.B.L.,
Which is okay, those random jerks,
Can be a living hell.
There are some nice unlockables,
Like when you unlock a Mii,
Nothing beats racing around as
Chuck Norris or Britney.
There’s lots of karts you can unlock,
Plus more characters and tracks,
So this review must now conclude,
For you have all the facts.
I love this series, it is true,
This one has not let me down.
If you enjoy a racing game
This one won’t make you frown.
Thank god this rhyme is nearly done
It’s so difficult to do;
The problem is I keep running
Out of space to—oh, poo.
So overall this game is great,
A game that you should buy.
Now make your comments positive
Or else you’ll make me cry.
