Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque epic that lets the readers vote on its outcome.
Chapter Sixty-One
Make Love
Fifa Diprovo 4: You have to hook him up.
Rivers: Excuse me?
Fifa Diprovo 4: He’ll give you the guide, no problem. But he needs your help to get a girlfriend.
Render: That’s ridiculous.
Rivers: I think it’s sweet!
Enrique: Precious.
Rosa: That reminds me of my dear Cecil…. Oh Cecil, how I wish you were here….
Fifa Diprovo 4: Foooooreshadowing!
TorturedTrunks_2: jus halp pl0x!!!11
Render: I really want you to be dead.
Fifa Diprovo 4: Foooooreshadowing!
Rivers: I have an idea!
Enrique: If it involves Spoonlad, I’m going to stab you.
Fifa Diprovo 4: Foooooreshadowing!
Rivers: …! No!! It’s not foreshadowing! I was gonna say…something completely unrelated to Spoonlad….
Fifa Diprovo 4: Liar!
Rivers: No, I was! I, uh…I was gonna say, since Rosa and TorturedTrunks_2 are both so lonely, they should get together!
TorturedTrunks_2: lulz Roas h4wt!!!!!
Rosa: CURE!
Fifa Diprovo 4: Surprisingly, Rosa’s cure spell did absolutely nothing to stop TorturedTrunks_2’s pubescent hormone rage, and he lept toward her with the might of an 11 year old. Unfortunately for him, he was stabbed through the head before his greasy, pimply lips could touch Rosa’s fair skin.
Cecil: Stabbity stab stab.
Rosa: Cecil!
Cecil: Rosa!
Rosa: Let’s go have sex in the woods!
Cecil: What? I just got here, and I’m a little tired from stabbing that child in the face.
Render: What the hell kind of a Paladin is that?
Cecil: The BEST kind, harlot!
Render: Did you just call me a–
Rosa: In the woods, NOW!
Cecil: Yes, dear.
Fifa Diprovo 4: And so, the gang was back down to three members, since white mages are never satisfied until they have at least three episodes’ worth of sex.
Render: That was way better than a Spoonlad cameo.
Enrique: Sure was.
Rivers: I don’t know, I’d have liked some–
Enrique: Stabbity stab stab.
Rivers: Ow! Jerkface.
Enrique: You earned it!
Render: Where did he stab you?
Fifa Diprovo 4: No one knows. On a side note, the three heroes have been standing in some poison for 20 minutes or so. They are now down to 1 hp each.
Render: Of course. Of course we get reduced to 1 hp now that our white mage is gone.
Rivers: Let’s hope the strategy guide says something about this!
Fifa Diprovo 4: I feel like there should be some other kind of trial, since you lucked out with the whole face-stabbing incident.
Render: And yet, there isn’t another trial, as I now hold in my hands the strategy guide.
Fifa Diprovo 4: Little did Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora know that when he picked up the strategy guide, he released yet another great evil that would surely give him a trial that would last at least another couple episodes.
Render: You’ve gotta be kidding me! We’re never going to get anywhere in the plot!
Enrique: Joy.
Rivers: Woo hoo! Our story will remain safely unended!
Fifa Diprovo 4: No time for celebration, lads.
Render: I’m not celebrating!
Rivers: I am!
Fifa Diprovo 4: Here he comes….
Obnoxious Videogame Store Employee (Ovse): I sure hope you have $9.95 to pay for that strategy guide.
Render: Dammit.
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Skip it.
Fifa Diprovo 4: Actually, this is a boring scenario. Let’s go to the Island of Firebirds and Gasoline Swamps instead.
Ovse: But…but…!
Enrique: SILENCE, MAGGOT!
Ovse: OK….
Cheese it!
Render: I don’t have any money.
Rivers: Neither do I!
Enrique: Don’t look at me.
Fifa Diprovo 4: And so the heroic trio stole the strategy guide and ran away like common thieves.
Pay up!
Render: $9.95 isn’t so bad, actually. Here you go.
Ovse: Would you like to pre-order any upcoming games?
Render: No thanks, I’m good.
Ovse: Are you sure? We have….
Render: No, that’s OK.
Ovse: And this one…and this one… .
Render: I’m fine. Not right now.
Ovse: And this one. This game is great, seriously. Would you like to preorder?
Render: No, no thanks.
Ovse: It’s only five dollars….
Render: ….
This poll ends on October 7.
