Captain Eric’s Cheat Codes for Life

Captain Eric Regan answers questions about his former columns, people being jerks on the Internet, and more.

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Captain Eric Regan offers readers advice on their videogame-related life disasters.

Captain Eric!

I’m really, really mad that you aren’t writing Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumbs Feature Presentation anymore! What gives? This advice column is totally lame. More importantly, how am I going to know if upcoming games are at all worthwhile?


Your FORMER Biggest Fan

Eric: Listen here, Whiney McCrysalot! Psychic powers are a GIFT! Do you know the insurmountable difficulties that come with such a gift?! I think not. I’m sorry to say that my treasured powers that brought joy to millions upon millions of videogame fans around the world are no longer under my control.

However, this might be for the best, as my last glimpse into the future of gaming was so bleak, so utterly terrible, that mere words would never be able to describe it!

As for finding out the worthwhileness of future games, just pick up any game magazine, and if a game didn’t get a 15/10, then the developers probably couldn’t pay people enough to spew about how great it is, and therefore it MUST suck.

Dear Captain Eric,

I recently had this really great idea for a videogame and thought to myself, “you know, you should post about it online! Tell people about it!”

I did, and wow. Everyone was just really mean, saying nasty things about my idea without offering any constructive criticism. You know? They just completely tore it apart. It was so weird…I didn’t know people could be so mean.

You just know they wouldn’t be like that in real life, so why are people such jerks on the Internet? It really scares me away from posting on blogs and message boards, and things like that.

– Scarrdy Cat

P.S. I’m not going to tell you what my idea was, because I don’t want YOU or any of your fans to make fun of me, too.

Eric: Well, your first problem was thinking you should express your thoughts to others. Here is a life secret: No one cares what other people think. People only want to think what they think is right, and nothing else. Well, they do want other people to tell them how great their ideas are, as well. However, as you have found, that is hardly ever the case. People hate people; it’s just the meannature of life!

As for the meanness, I am not really sure how you were unaware of the meanness of the human spirit. Have you lived in a cave all your life? Maybe on some farm in the middle of nowhere, and never left it? Just how much human interaction have you had? People ARE jerks.

It does seem that you have learned the correct lesson from all of this, though!  You really should never post on message boards or blogs! They are pure evil and no good ever EVER comes from them. GOOD JOB, Scarrdy; you’re already learning!

Oh, and no one wanted to hear your stupid trashy ideas, anyhow! THANKS NOT FOR SHARING. Douche.

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About the Contributor

From 2004 to 2012

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