Captain Eric Regan offers readers advice on their videogame-related life disasters.
Dear Captain Eric,
I want to grow a playoff beard to support my local hockey team this year.
Unfortunately, I have a hormonal disorder that makes my hair grow about twice as slow as everyone else’s, so when everyone else is showing off full-length beards, I’m stuck with a pitiful excuse for a moustache that a college senior could outgrow. What do you think I should do?
Eric: Well, you really only have two choices in this scenario. You can start growing your playoff beards twice as early as everyone else—that way, you’ll be all caught up! Otherwise, you could just find a new sport. Women’s basketball playoff beards usually resemble what you can do, it sounds like. Good luck!
Hey Captain Eric,
You know, the Legend of Zelda series has really disappointed me. I liked the N64 games, but Nintendo decided to make the series all cartoony. And not like the cool/serious anime-style Japanese cartoons, either. No, they went for the Hello Kitty-style Japanese cartoons. Definitely not what I expected or wanted.
Twilight Princess was really kind of a disappointment, and we haven’t heard anything about a Wii Zelda game since 2006. Could you use your psychic powers to tell me when, if ever, a good Zelda game will come out?
– Michael Gray
Eric: I have mustered all my psychic strength, and Michael, oh poor, poor Michael, it doesn’t look good. In the year 2012, we will get some good Zelda games! However, they will just be remakes of the N64 Zelda games. Then, in 2016, we will get remakes of the bad Zelda games. In 2018, we will start getting wonderful titles such as Link’s Handball and Link’s Handball: MAXXXTREEME Edition. After the resounding failures of all these titles, in 2020 we will get The Hyrule Olympics: Kiddie Fun Edition!
Yes, sadly, it only gets worse. Zelda will embrace its inner hedgehog and continue to make games no one will ever want to remember.
Eric: Yo Zubes Chatsworth,
I am so on to you! You and your little agenda. You will fall, and you will fall hard! NEVER MESS WITH THE CAP’N!!