Hey everyone, I’m going to try out a new column I’ve entitled “The Anger Dome.” Essentially, it’s me ranting about a topic that has proved particularly provoking to my ire. Today’s topic: Portal vs. MGS4 in the GameFAQS “Best. Game. Ever.” contest.
If you’re not familiar with the contest, it’s essentially a huge popularity contest where visitors to the site vote for which of the four games featured that day are the best. The top two move on to the next bracket, and then four new games are featured. Yesterday the contest was between BioShock, LittleBigPlanet, Metal Gear Solid 4, and Portal. When I visited the site yesterday I said to myself “Ah, well surely Portal will win; it’s as near a perfect game as I’ve ever seen.” So consider my surprise when, after voting, I see that MGS4 has a huge lead over it. Portal still advanced to the next round, but only barely, with MGS4 winning nearly 50% percent of the vote.
This is bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. I played MGS4, and I sealed it up and sent it back to GameFly after half an hour. The game is simply not fun. First off, Snake is OLD. Someone might want to tell Kojima this, but somehow trying to sneak around as an old person with obvious health problems kind of kills the whole coolness factor. I kept feeling like I was going to break his fucking hip. Secondly, they tried to do too much with the combat and sneaking systems, so much so that both felt clunky and underdeveloped. Focus on one or the other and make them really good, but don’t make me choose between two crappy alternatives when I want to play. Finally, after sending it back, I checked the plot summary on Wikipedia just to stifle any curiosity I had. Ugh, Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ. The story has plot twists that would make even M. Night Shaymalamadingdong cringe. Seriously, when did the developers decide to just stop making any sense? I’m guessing it was around the time of MGS2, when they made the GENIUS decision to make you play as Raiden for 2/3 of the game.
On the other hand we have Portal—sweet, magnificent Portal. The game featured a brilliant new mechanic, great music, a great story, and superb voice-work. Also, it never felt tiring; as soon as the portal mechanic felt like it was starting to get old, the game was over. The timing worked out perfectly, yet there are some people out there who claim the game was too short. HEY DUMBASSES: If you’re playing videogames to waste time, by all means go play something like MGS4. If, however, you’d like a game that is an actual enjoyable experience, maybe you should take your heads out of your asses and try Portal again. It was the first game in a long time that just made me smile while playing and afterwards left me feeling like I had broadened my horizons. I see Portal as one of the few games that can qualify as a work of art, not just a videogame. Yet somehow, SOMEHOW, people compared the two and found MGS4 to be better. Are you kidding me? Are these people completely brain dead? It’s like saying you prefer the new Star Wars trilogy to Battlestar Galactica just because of love for the original trilogy. Well guess what, the new trilogy is shit and Battlestar Galactica has set the standard for modern sci-fi; the same is true for MGS4, Portal, and modern action/adventure games.
Before yesterday I thought Portal might go all the way in the GameFAQs challenge, but now with my faith in humanity completely shattered I seriously doubt that will happen. Judging from the predictions page it will most likely be MGS4, Final Fantasy VII, or Ocarina of Time. Hopefully the winner be the latter. If not, I may have to hurt someone.