Fabricated News: E3 Preview

E3 2010 is coming pretty soon (June 15 – 17), in case you didn’t know. E3 is a super-huge videogame convention, and because we’re totally a legitimate news source here at “Fabricated News” (slogan: “Not a Legitimate News Source”), that means we have to write an E3 preview. We gathered up all the known information about E3 into E-three handy categories:

1. What Will Be At E3 This Year

We know several things will make an appearance at E3 this year, namely, most of the things that are being released this winter. You can expect to see the PlayStation Lollipop Motion Sensor Controller, Apple’s new iPhone (slogan: “It’s a Handheld System, Just Like the DS!”), Nintendo’s new DS (slogan: “The iPhone Doesn’t Count as a Handheld System”), and Microsoft’s Project Natal. You can also expect exhibitions of games that have been recently released, like Red Dead Redemption and Green Day: Rock Band. Not everything can be a preview, you know.

The official list of exhibitors has over 245 companies, many of which I have never heard of, such as “Bad Chicken,” “Epic Games,” “Parrot” and “Penguin United.” I suspect that these company names were submitted as pranks.

2. What Might Be At E3 This Year

Most of the companies that are signed up for E3 have not announced what they are presenting, because they’re hoping to build up hype for their announcements. That, and surprises are fun.

Well, most surprises are fun. Fans have been working overtime, trying to figure out what their favorite companies might be presenting, like LucasArts with The Force Unleashed 2, Konami with a 3D Castlevania game, and Sega with its long-awaited Dreamcast 2. Come on, Sega, where’s your new console? It’s been a while since the last one…

Some companies have been “dropping hints” about what they’ll show, but when you check the press releases, all you get are vague statements like “it’s a super-fun game that everyone will want to buy.” And they say that about every game. So just a word of warning: don’t get too pumped up for a God of War 4, because you might be disappointed by getting Wii Music 2 instead.

That said, here’s a list of games you might see:

• Mario Party Wii
• Prince of Persia: Ostrich Racing Adventure
• Lego: The Godfather
• Gram Turismo 5: This Time, It’s Metric
• Day of the Tentacle 2: We Split It Up Into Five Episodes So We Can Charge More Money
• The Legend of Zelda: Excuse Me, Princess
• Banjo Kazooie: Now With Banjos and Kazoos!
• Grand Theft Auto: Newark, New Jersey
• Gears of War: Buy This Game Or We’ll Shoot
• Pong 2

3. What Won’t Be At E3 This Year

While there are a lot of games that will be unveiled at E3 this year, there are some that will not be. Most of them are projects that are not far along enough in development to show at this point. In fact, they are not far along enough in development to have official titles at this point. So the news reports about these games all look like this: “Sony’s unnamed project, being worked on by Producer You’ve Never Heard Of, will not appear at E3.”

Real News Time: GameCola tried to get a press pass to E3 this year, but our application was denied. The only E3-related show we were invited to attend was Valve’s big Portal 2 press conference, being held at Regal Theater on the 16th. Being GameCola’s only west coast correspondent, I could have made arrangements to attend the conference, but I had never heard of Portal before, I didn’t feel like spending $500 to go to LA for one night, and besides, I have a dentist’s appointment that day anyway. So I kindly told Valve thanks, but no thanks.

Then Portal was named GameCola’s Best Game of All Time, and I looked like a complete idiot for turning down the opportunity to see the sequel.

But hey, it turns out it’s a good thing I didn’t make plans to go to LA, because Valve ended up cancelling the Portal 2 press conference. Instead, they’re going to show a mysterious “surprise” in its place. I don’t know what they’re going to show, but it might be the long-awaited Portal 3. We’ll have to wait and find out.