Over 8 million people purchased Halo 3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sold a whopping 12 million. And Nintendo can’t defecate out Pokémon and “Wii Insert Random Thing To Do Here” games fast enough to completely satisfy the masses. But with all these amazing successes, there have been numerous games and even complete series that have fallen to the wayside. Remember: for every Super Mario Bros., there’s a Shutokou Battle 2: Drift King Keichii Tsuchiya & Masaaki Bandoh. As a proud gamer, I feel that it is my privilege—nay, my duty—to take some time and offer a brief glimpse at many of the games that disappeared into bargain bins and trash bins alike due to overshadowing from more prominent titles, as well as titles that will forever remain sequestered within one region of the world. You’d better be prepared to be educated a little, because there is much that you haven’t seen.

November 2011:
Férias Frustradas do Pica-Pau

*SIGH* ANOTHER MONTH AT GAMECOLA, LOOKING AT OBSCURE GAMES…

Hey, show a little more enthusiasm! If it wasn’t for this column, you’d still be at your old job, trying to wedge those stupid wads of paper into ladies’ footwear before they’re shipped out to stores everywhere.

I GUESS YOU’RE RIGHT. BUT THINGS HAVE BEEN A LITTLE DULL AROUND HERE LATELY.

You mean in this column, or in general throughout the GameCola region?

GAMECOLA REGION? WHAT THE HECK? NO, I THINK THAT’S JUST FINE. IT’S ALWAYS PROVIDING US WITH…INFORMATIVE…UH…

ANYWAY, I JUST BELIEVE THAT YOU’VE BEEN SLACKING OFF LATELY! I MEAN, LET’S SEE WHAT YOU’VE WRITTEN ABOUT IN THE PAST WHILE… MAISON IKKOKU? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? A GAME ABOUT VISITING A HOUSE? HOW RIVETING… AND WHAT’S THIS? X THE BALL? IT’S NOT ABOUT PLAYING SOCCER; IT’S ABOUT SEEING STILL PHOTOS OF SOCCER AND DETERMINING WHERE THE SOCCER BALL SHOULD BE. DAMN, YOU SCARY! AND MOTOKO-CHAN NO WONDER KITCHEN… A GAME ABOUT SOME GIRL WHO COOKS. WELL, AT LEAST IT’S TRUE TO LIFE, BUT IT’S NOT INTERESTING!

Well, what game DID you find interesting?

REMEMBER THAT MAGIC BUBBLE? BEAUTIFUL ARTICLE. COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE BETTER.

You just liked that because it was the only “Gamera Obscura” article to feature nudity.

AH! FEMALE NUDITY, TO BE EXACT.

So you basically want a column like that.

YEAH, PRETTY MUCH. ANY “GAMERA OBSCURA” ARTICLE LIKE THAT WILL DO JUST FINE.

So, you want “Gamera Obscura” to visually stimulate the senses, yes?

THAT’S ALL I ASK FOR, ONCE A MONTH.

Well, you’re in luck! I’ve got a game today that’ll give you exactly what you seek!

WHOA! REALLY? LAY IT ON ME!

It’s Férias Frustradas do Pica-Pau for the Sega Mega Drive (or Genesis for us North ‘Mericans).

FÉRIAS FRUSTRADAS? OOO, SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THEM SPANISH SOAP OPERAS! LEMME GUESS: IT’S ABOUT TWO HOUSEWIVES WHO ARE TOTALLY “FRUSTRADA” OVER NOT GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION FROM THEIR HUSBANDS AND DECIDE TO TAKE MATTERS INTO THEIR OWN HANDS.

Not even close.

REALLY? OK, WHAT SCANTILY-CLAD ADVENTURES ARE THERE?

Well, the main character IS nude, if that means anything. But you might be surprised to learn that Férias Frustradas do Pica-Pau loosely translates to “Woody Woodpecker’s Frustrated Vacations.”

COR BLIMEY!

That’s right, it’s actually a Woody Woodpecker game. Released only in Brazil by that dazzler of a developer, Tec Toy, Férias Frustradas do Pica-Pau follows Mr. Woodpecker as he tries hard to save his kidnapped friends from the clutches of Zeca Urubu. Yeah, that’s one bad-ass name, isn’t it? Wasn’t that one of the crew members on Star Trek? Anyway, you basically have to make your way through the wilderness, using your peck attack to defend yourself against woodsy creatures to the end of each level, collecting money for some reason in the process.

I’M ALREADY DISAPPOINTED. NOT JUST BY THE FACT THAT WOODPECKERS MAKE TERRIBLE BEDFELLOWS IN THE GAMING COMMUNITY, BUT ALSO BECAUSE MOST OF THIS ARTICLE IS GOING TO FOCUS ON MY BANTER, RATHER THAN ANYTHING CONCRETE.

That’s OK. The game honestly isn’t worth playing anyhow. The controls might very well be decent, but any possibility of fun is dampened by how ineffective your beak attack is, coupled with how rough the enemies are. They leave very little room for you to avoid injury. That would explain why Woody can take so many hits before kicking the bucket, though. Seriously, he can take over fifty hits and keep on going. Sometimes I wished that he WOULD die, though; I couldn’t get past part of the first level, and it became too frustrating to play. Screw that. Plus it was in Portuguese, so it’s even less pleasant. But even if you can read Portuguese, stay away from this crapshack of a game. Anything else to add, Ominous Angry Voice?

THIS STUNK. I WANT MORE SPANISH SOAP OPERAS. NOW.

Me, too. Maybe next month.

What the HELL?!