[NSFW] Brush Strokes & Ball Hair: An Octet of Aesthetic Atrocities

[Editor’s note: If you’re under 18, at work, or in any way offended by anything, at all, you are not allowed to read this article. Period. By continuing past this line, you are implicitly waiving your right to sue or even get mad at us for any reason.]

Le GameCola Musée D’Art Gênitale proudly presents…

“Brush Strokes & Ball Hair: An Octet of Aesthetic Atrocities“

An exhibition celebrating the talents of two of Europe’s finest artists:

Mademoiselle Julianne Dingsmelle and Monsieur Kristiæn Portaloo

Bonjour!

Bienvenue, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the grand opening of our “Brush Strokes & Ball Hair” exhibition, where you are about to witness the most cutting-edge and controversial art-pieces in existence. This visionary experience explores morality, sexuality, gratuitous violence and contemporary society through the medium of “Shitart,” a ground-breaking new genre which attempts to replicate the drawing skills of a disabled 10 year old. Monsieur Portaloo and Mademoiselle Dingsmelle are so gifted, they make Leonardo da Vinci’s “masterpieces” look like a sausage dog ate some paint and then shat it on a canvas made entirely out of bits of Susan Boyle’s face. So without further ado, help yourself to some free champagne and enjoy what can only be described as “an orgasm for your optic nerves.”

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“TEABAG”

Dingsmelle: “This piece deals with the continuing dominance of men in today’s society. The man’s balls entering the woman’s mouth is a metaphor for the overpowering nature of men and the lengths they will go to keep the voice of women stifled. I had my husband’s balls in my mouth just last week and he couldn’t understand a word I was saying. I know I’m not alone in saying that I’m tired of being ignored.”

“PING PONG”

Dingsmelle: “The exploitation of Asian women is a plight I have been passionate about since Daddy paid for my gap-year to Thailand back in ’85. I met a woman there who had lung cancer of the vagina because she was made to smoke twenty cigarettes a day with her genitalia in one of these so called ‘sex-shows.’ Ping pong balls, on the other hand, are much safer and far more entertaining. Plus, everyone knows that all Asians are born with Olympic standard table-tennis skills, so they don’t even need to practice!”

“OVERFLOW”

Portaloo: “Kierkegaard once famously said ‘I’ve got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.’ Using this logic we can assume that the average person has approximately 100 problems at any given time. No matter how much you try to keep on top of them all, occasionally they will overwhelm you. The flowing surge of period blood in this piece represents all of life’s problems, where the small, anthropomorphic penis on a surfboard represents all of us, trying our very best to weather a tsunami of problems dumped upon us by the discarded uterine wall that is life.”

“PEANUT”

Portaloo: “Consumerism has run rampant in our society. Everybody shops at big department stores while we watch the Mom and Pop shops atrophy before our eyes. Sure, they’re more expensive, but if you simply do what I do and ask your mom for more money—problem solved. The point of this work is to demonstrate that if big brands are willing to do things like this to each other, what are they willing to do to you? Also, Banksy rulez.”

“KANYE”

Dingsmelle: “Celebrity culture is the plague of the 21st century. It is an all-consuming parasite of superficiality that is slowly eating away at the flesh of our society, carving a path of greed and envy through the hearts of our children and our children’s children and our children’s children’s children. Yes, Taylor Swift is a cunt, but what of Kanye? Is he too not also a cunt? Is it possible that they are all cunts who, like the last lot of plague victims, should be bricked into a building and set alight using the ripped-out hair of Courtney Stodden for kindling? This drawing says ‘Yes, that is probably a good idea’.”

“CIGAR”

Dingsmelle: “Corruption, greed, war mongering and corporate back-handers—all words I would use to describe capitalism in its various guises. Politics is the shadowy figure that hides under your bed; it is the rapist in the park and the thief that steals the golf clubs from your garage. ‘Cigar’ deals with none of these things. Sex, lies and scandal are far more horrifying than illegal wars, torture, and gun-crime, so I drew a thought-provoking picture of Monica Lewinsky’s muff instead. It’s deep, dahling.”

“RIM”

Portaloo: “In this modern world, communication is everything. This piece shows what a thin line we walk every time we communicate with other people. With so many words and so many meanings, miscommunication isn’t only possible—it’s inevitable. Our language is but a whisper away from confusion with every spoken word, and sometimes just one simple inquiry of ‘Could I get a rim, please? could result in somebody giving you auto parts, or someone taking a very personal approach to maintaining your anal hygiene. It’s simply a matter of who you talk to and their personal interpretation of your question. Our world is truly subjective.”

“WATCH”

Portaloo: “This piece is meant to expose the materialistic nature of our society. This disgusting materialism has planted itself so deeply into our culture that we are all becoming much too focused on material goods, represented here by a watch, and not nearly enough on real issues, represented here by a murder-raper. We should all spend more time keeping murder-rapers from murder-raping, but instead we’re just going out and wasting our time figuring out where to buy fancier watches.”

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Et voila! Your experience of “Shitart” has sadly come to an end. Thank you for joining us and I hope you will take the time to reflect on some of the difficult subjects covered here today by these exceptional artists. If you think you can do any better, you would be profoundly wrong, but let us not forget that “Shitart” is not just for the Über-gifted; you too can try your hand by purchasing Draw Something from the iOS App Store for only $0.99 / £0.69. It’s Drawesome!