Over 8-million people purchased Halo 3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sold a whopping 12 million. And Nintendo can’t defecate out Pokémon and “Wii Insert Random Thing To Do Here” games fast enough to completely satisfy the masses. But with all these amazing successes, there have been numerous games and even complete series that have fallen to the wayside. Remember: for every Super Mario Bros., there’s a Shutokou Battle 2: Drift King Keichii Tsuchiya & Masaaki Bandoh. As a proud gamer, I feel that it is my privilege—nay, my duty—to take some time and offer a brief glimpse at many of the games that disappeared into bargain bins and trash bins alike due to overshadowing from more prominent titles, as well as titles that will forever remain sequestered within one region of the world. You’d better be prepared to be educated a little, because there is much that you haven’t seen.

Hey there, Ominous Voice.

AWWWW, MAN! AM I BACK IN THIS ARTICLE AGAIN? I THOUGHT, FOR ONCE, I WOULD FINALLY BE GIVEN MY OWN GAMECOLA FEATURE. BUT HERE I AM, STUCK WITH YOU. AND YOU STINK.

Oh, really? You think you could handle your very own GameCola feature?

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I COULD. I HAVE MORE CHARISMA IN ONE ASS CHEEK THAN YOU DO IN YOUR ENTIRE BODY. PLUS I DON’T HAVE A RIDICULOUS BEAK PLUNGING OUT OF MY FACE LIKE YOU.

All right, smart guy. What if I were to give you this article for your very own?

WH-WHAT? YOU MEAN I GET TO PICK THE GAME AND ALL, AND TALK ABOUT IT, AND RECOMMEND IT OR NOT, AND I WOULDN’T HAVE TO TALK TO YOU?

Nope, I’d be off in the green room enjoying a shrimp cocktail. But this is “Gamera Obscura,” not “Amazingly Common Game Showcase.” You’d have to give the fine audience something they likely haven’t seen before.

HUH… WELL, YEAH, I’M GONNA DO IT! YEAH! I AM CAPABLE OF DOING THIS ON MY OWN! I DO HAVE A DEGREE FROM ITT TECH, AFTER ALL, SO I MUST BE SMART! OK, JEFF, GET OUT OF HERE. I HAVE A SHOW TO DO! BUT…”GAMERA OBSCURA” IS A STUPID NAME, SO WE’RE NOT GOING TO CALL IT THAT ANYMORE. I’LL GIVE IT A SNAPPIER TITLE.

Sounds fun. Good luck—you’ll need it.

PFFF, I CAN DO THIS. UHH… HEY… THERE… GAMECOLA AUDIENCE. WELCOME TO THE NEWEST FEATURE ON GAMECOLA: …UH… OH! OH! I GOT IT!

July 2012: Nevermind

THIS MONTH, WE’RE GOING TO LOOK AT A NIFTY LITTLE GAME CALLED “NEVERMIND.” OH, NOW I HEAR YOU ALL OUT THERE SAYING “NEVERMIND THAT GAME!” WELL, YOU ALL ARE LOSERS. YOU DON’T KNOW A GREAT GAME WHEN YOU SEE ONE. YOU PLAY CALL OF DUTY AND THINK YOU’RE IMPRESSIVE GAMERS. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU’RE NOT. IT JUST MAKES YOU A PATHETIC DRONE. AND YOU, THE ONES WHO GO CREAMY OVER INDIE GAMING LIKE IT’S THE NEXT BIG THING… I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, BUDDY: INDIE GAMES SUCK HORSE HAY. THEY’RE PUNY EXPERIENCES CREATED BY GIRLFRIEND-LESS BUMHATS IN THEIR PARENTS’ BASEMENT WHILE THEY EVER-SO-NONMETICULOUSLY CLAIM THEY’RE EARNING A “BUSINESS DEGREE.” THAT AIN’T GONNA GET YOU ANYWHERE, PAL. AND THAT ONE PERSON WHO LIKES NANCY DREW GAMES? I’M NOT EVEN GOING THERE, IT’S SO SAD.

SO YOU LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW. HEY, BOTH EYES RIGHT HERE, BUTT-FOR-BRAINS: THE GOLDEN DAYS OF GAMING ARE BEHIND US. WE’RE JUST REHASHING OLD IDEAS WITH NEW SKINS. SO WHEN I THROW AN OLD-SCHOOL GAME YOUR WAY, DON’T GIVE ME YOUR GUFF. YOU JUST SIT THERE AND ENJOY THE DAMN THING BECAUSE IT’S THE SOURCE OF ALL YOUR GAMING LOVE, Y’HEAR?

ALL RIGHT. SHUT UP. NEVERMIND. IT’S A GAME ABOUT…HELL, I CAN’T EVEN TELL FROM THE GAME ITSELF. DOESN’T MATTER, THOUGH. BACK WHEN GAMES DIDN’T GULP DOWN CRAPPY JUICE, WE DIDN’T NEED A STORYLINE. WE JUST WENT THROUGH AND KILLED WHATEVER WAS IN OUR WAY. NOTHING TO KILL IN THIS GAME, THOUGH. IT’S MORE LIKE AN ACTION-PUZZLE DEALY. DOESN’T MEAN IT’S GONNA SUCK. MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO DUST OFF YOUR USELESS BRAIN FOR ONCE AND THINK. SO YOU GOTTA LOOK AT A PICTURE THEY GIVE YOU AND THEN HAVE YOUR WARRIOR GUY REARRANGE THE TILES ON THE FLOOR TO MATCH THE PICTURE IN A SHORT TIMEFRAME. C’MON, YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO DO THIS, RIGHT?

BUT SCREW IT. LET’S JUST PLAY THE DAMN THING AND SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ALL ABOUT. I’M SURE IT’LL BE BETTER THAN IT SOUNDS. … WHOA, WHAT’S GOING ON? LOOKS LIKE I’M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE MOVING. … OK, SERIOUSLY, MY CHARACTER WON’T EVEN MOVE. WHAT…THE…FRUGALITY? MOVE, YOU STUPID ASS. MOVE!! … THE HELL WITH THIS. NEVERMIND IS CRAP. JUST…IT’S CRAP.

IT’S CRAP. DON’T PLAY IT. AND…WHY THE HELL DOES A FINANCIAL TABLE COME UP WHEN I PRESS ENTER?

…UGH…HOW THE HELL DOES JEFF DO THIS EVERY MONTH? HOW CAN HE PLAY SUCH AWFUL, AWFUL GAMES AND STILL REMAIN MODERATELY CHEERFUL? HE MUST BE SOME SORT OF GOD-LIKE CHARACTER OF SORTS.

… Did I just hear someone call me “god-like”?

NO. NO, YOU DIDN’T.

I overheard your entire rant there. You can’t do this show alone. You don’t have the people skills! You need me to complement your gruff attitude.

UGH…JUST SAY GOODBYE TO THE PEOPLE. I NEED TO LAY DOWN…

Bye, folks!