In the news this week, Nintendo announced that they are removing all cutscenes from future games. This is because some people watch game cutscenes online. Of course, it is physically impossible for a person to enjoy watching a cutscene more than once, so Nintendo says it has no choice but to improve gameplay experiences by removing unnecessary content like “story”.
Following this logic, Nintendo also announced that they will no longer release trailers for any of their games. Seeing the gameplay ahead of time completely spoils it for everyone.
But that’s not the worst of it! Nintendo also raised the price of a popular SNES game by two farthings. We can’t mention the game’s title here, because that is a spoiler which would ruin the experience of being hosed. On Twitter, a former GameCola Staff Writer—we can’t mention his or her name, because that would ruin the experience of using Twitter—had this to say:
“It is super important to pay extra money to Nintendo whenever they want you to, whether or not they bother to explain why they’re raising prices. Otherwise, you’ll be sending them the message that you don’t want a new installment in the series!”
For the record, this particular series has only had one installment in English, and that was in the 1990s. But we here at Fabricated News wholeheartedly believe that it’s possible Nintendo will resurrect a decades-old Japanese series, based on American sales. Of course, you will have to pay extra money when the new games is released, because they had to go back and remove all of the cutscenes, but that’s the price of superior gameplay.