Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one. However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month? None, I tell you. Without further ado, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with “Advice for the Sensitive Gamer”:
Dear Jenna,
Ok so i’ve been asked to write you on my….my…my problems. OK I SAID SHUT UP ASSFACE! sorry about that my alterego just rambles on about how pathetic i am….::cries::. So i have this problem, whenever i play tetris i get really into it, alittle too into it. Whenever i get a single line i pee my pants, doubles i crap, triples i decide to go clean myself up and when i get a tetris…i get….iget aroused and can’t help but touch myself….you know where. I know this isn’t right but who is to decide who is right and wrong? I AM! shut up stupid alrerego! you will not waste my time talking shit about me you will not! sorry about that there he goes again.
Anyway i was just wondering if you could give me advice on how to control myself not just on the tetris but even the singles and doubles because you have no idea how many pairs of underwear i go through a day…..well its like 8. PLEASE OBI WON JENOBI YOUR MY ONLY HOPE…..Thats it alterego do i have to get the hose out again? do not make me hose us down because i know i dont like it. please give me some advice.
– Shane
Dear Shaneypoo —
Alright, number one — you called me Obi-Wan Jenobi. I’m now adapting that as my new call sign. Thank you for that one.
Number two — this blatant problem of the alter-ego/ego clash. Other people may see it as a problem, but I quite enjoy it. Look at it this way… if you can’t afford to go to a psychiatrist and have your alter-ego surgically removed, you’ll never be bored!
And number three — this ejaculatory Tetris problem. Clearly, the solution at hand is to just stop playing Tetris. (Didn’t I answer another letter along these same lines a few issues ago? Someone peeing when they played Mario? Who knows…) ANYWAY, Shane. The way I see it, even though the obvious solution is to just stop playing Tetris, we both know it’s a physical impossibility. Henceforth, the most practical solution i see is to keep a bucket with you, and play without underwear on! Saves on laundry expenses. Other than that… don’t know how much I can help you out here. Have fun with your alter-ego, and THANK YOU for the Jenobi.
Love — Jenna
(P.S. Have you ever tried to just hold it in?!)
Dear Jenna,
I’m writing to you about a problem I’ve been noticing lately. Whenever I go running, I find myself burping a whole lot. Is there something wrong with me? Is my form wrong? Am I running like a hermit crab? Please help me!!
Sincerely,
Wannabe Track Girl
Dear Wannabe Track Girl —
I’m fighting the urge to answer this question with a real answer — one that explains how you’re probably eating too close to when you’re running, or eating the wrong foods, or eating the wrongs foods too close to when you’re running. BUT I WON’T. I’ll hold up my sarcastic/quasi-funny advice column’s legacy.
Of COURSE there is something wrong with you. Girls don’t burp, ever! I bet the next thing you’ll say is that you were SWEATING and that you had to take a CRAP or something. Both things that girls OBVIOUSLY do not do. Crazy shit.
Anyway… yes, there is something wrong with you. Yes, your form probably sucks, and you DEFINATELY run like a hermit crab.
Good luck SUCKING, scary-ass burping girl FREAK!
Much love! — Jenna
