Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one. However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month? None, I tell you. Without further ado, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with “Advice for the Sensitive Gamer”:
Dearest I Fridays,
Why is your staff picture stealing my soul? I have posted this question many times before, simply not in such a public forum. I was assured that this heinous crime would be remedied, but it’s been numerous months with no change. Also, why does L’il Bloatie rock so hard? I mean, I always thought I rocked pretty hard, but then L’il Bloatie crashed onto the scene and rocked out harder than a flagillion of the hardest rocking wildebeests in existence. I hope we can clear up both of these little issues.
Dear Tim —
Again with the topic of my awful staff picture. The ever-illustrious Paul Franzen came to me, searching for a staff picture to put on the website. I therefore send Paul a picture that was as flattering as possible, and a “HAHA wouldn’t it be funny if this was my staff picture?” picture.
Guess which one he used. Jerk.
Oh well… such is the future of my modeling career, I suppose. But that, my dear friends, is why my staff picture is SO terrifying (and why it’s still up after so long, and so many requests to change it… aHEM). On to a more exciting topic: WHY DOES LIL BLOATIE ROCK SO HARD?!
To understand fully why Lil Bloatie rocks so hard, we must return to the origins of the tiny Bloat.
One fine day, a small Asian girl came to a Shawnee girls cross-country, toting with her a tiny bloated bird. She had received the small bird from a grandmother named Jacqueline, along with a 10 foot long scarf, for Rosh Hashanah (or some other obscure holiday). The small Asian girl came up to her friend, a lanky blonde girl, and squeezed the bloated bird. He began to peep wildly, and instantly, a trio was formed.
The actual reason why Lil Bloatie rocks SO hard is because he was instrumental in the Shawnee girls cross-country team capturing the State Title in 2002. I was not quick enough to be part of the team who actually ran (yes, I know; pity me), so I was there to cheer. Lil Bloatie accompanied me. As the girls began their trek up the first hill at Holmdel, I squeezed the little bloat at girls that were running quicker than my team. The surprise of the tiny cheeping bird caused them to spasm, and therefore fall off the hill, allowing our team to claim the title. If anyone else tells you a different story, they’re lying. Lil Bloatie is the source of all power.
ALL HAIL THE BLOAT!