n00b: Jonathan vs. Naelroe
Enrique vs. Dugo
n00b vs. Najen
Naelroe: So, Jonathan the Minotaur, eh? I guess you get to be the unlucky one to first bear witness to my ultimate power! They are going to have to call you Jonathan the DEAD Minotaur when I’m finished with you.
Narrator: Without a word, Jonathan took a few steps towards Naelroe, lifted his large right leg high into the air, and crushed her flat with a single stomp.
Rivers: Whoa… Hey… did we always have a narrator?
Render: Yeah, but he demanded to be credited from this episode on.
Narrator: And is that so wrong?!
Render: No, no, you deserve it.
Narrator: Th-Thank you… Well then, back to the descriptions. All of the other combatants quickly turned towards the sound of the mighty crash, and Barin and company gasped in horror when they realized what had happened. Render and pals, however, just smiled knowingly, as if to say “Did you expect anything less from THE Jonathan the Minotaur?”.
Narrator: n00b shouted out while pointing towards the spot where Naelroe had met her untimely end. Najen, infuriated by this cocky outburst, responded by quickly thrusting a knife into the throat of n00b.
Najen: Something funny?
Enrique: Ouch man, ouch.
Dugo: You would do well to pay less attention to other battles and focus on your own, Enrique!
Narrator: With that Dugo lunged at Enrique and thrust his sword directly towards Enrique’s heart. However, Dugo’s sword came to a complete stop fractions of a second before piercing him.
Narrator: Dugo looked on in horror as Enrique stood before him, holding a single finger on the tip of Dugo’s sword.
Dugo: How… How in the hell?? How did you do that?!
Narrator: But Enrique did not answer him; he just continued to stand there with his finger on the blade.
Dugo: Answer me, dammit! How did you stop me?!
Narrator: Enrique continued to stand there, staring directly at Dugo and not saying a word.
Dugo: Say something, damn you!!
Narrator: And with that, Enrique grabbed the sword by the blade and tore it form Dugo’s hands. He held the sword out to his side, and almost immediately it crumbled into dust.
Dugo: Oh, come on! That’s not even fair! Najen, get your ass hover here and help me!
Najen: What do you expect me to do?!
Dugo: I expect you to move your damned legs and bring yourself over here and help me!
Narrator: Najen grudgingly relented, and made her way over to Dugo’s side.
Dugo: Now you… monster. I don’t know what you are, but you won’t take us down without a fight!
Render: *sigh* Maybe if you actually read this story ever instead of just skimming through this particular issue with the sole purpose of finding something to complain about, you’d know what he is.
Rivers: Yeah, really. He definitely told us exactly what he is the first time we met him.
Dugo: I wasn’t even around when you first met! Wasn’t that during my extended mandatory “vacation”?
Render: Hm… was it? Maybe.
Rivers: Yea, I remember it being nice and peaceful then… so he must not have been here.
Jonathan: Nice and peaceful? That was when you were being chased by a mad kitten fusion monster!
Enrique: Good times.
Barin: I’m so sorry to interrupt, but in case you’ve forgotten, WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE!
Apul: Ya! We gotta kill deez fool sos we can gets back to da boat en DRINK!!
Najen: When did you become an idiot, Apul?
Rivers: Chapter 1.
Render: …Barin does have a point. Enrique and Jonathan, why don’t you finish those two off?
Jonathan & Enrique: Sure
Narrator: Jonathan and Enrique approached Najen and Dugo from opposite sides, forcing the two to face them back-to-back
Najen: Alright Dugo… I have a plan.
Narrator: Najen whispered her plan into Dugo’s ear. They then looked back and forth between Jonathan and Enrique, and without further hesitation, initiated the plan. Dugo ran as fast as he could towards Jonathan, with Najen close behind him. When they were close enough to him, Najen leapt up onto Dugo’s shoulders. Jonathan swung at the two with his mighty fist, but Dugo countered by quickly jumping up onto Jonathan’s outstretched arm and then onto his shoulders. Upon landing on Jonathan’s shoulders, Dugo jumped again, this time backwards as high as he could go. At the highest point of the jump, Najen leapt off of Dugo’s shoulders and went flying feet first directly towards Enrique. Neither Jonathan nor Enrique had expected such a feat of acrobatics, and Enrique had not expected an attack at all, since they had both charged Jonathan, so he was unable to react in time. Najen came crashing down with both feet hitting Enrique directly in the face.
Rivers: *wince* … that looked painful. Narrator: Najen landed and made her way back over to Dugo, where they both resumed their back-to-back position. Enrique was still standing in the exact position he was before the kick, but the force had knocked his head back. He continued to look at the sky for a moment, impressed that they had actually been able to pull something like that off, but after a few more seconds he brought his head down and looked directly at Najen.
Narrator: Enrique did not give Najen any time to enjoy his praise, however. Almost immediately after saying that, Enrique looked towards Najen’s boots.
Najen: Wh-What… What is he… OW! JEEZ!!
Narrator: Najen dropped to her knees and began frantically trying to remove her boots. All others, with the exception of Enrique, looked at her, confused. She finally managed to get them off and threw them aside, but before they even hit the ground they both burst into flames.
Dugo: So… maybe kicking him in the face wasn’t such a hot idea.
Narrator: Najen scowled at Dugo and punched him in the shin before rising to her feet.
Najen: You wouldn’t be so smug if your feet were burning off. Not that they are much better now that I’ve gotten those boots off. Ow! Who thought it was a good idea to have our climactic showdown on the beach, anyway?! This sand is hot!!
Narrator: Najen began hopping back and forth, from foot to food, grabbing the one she wasn’t standing on and desperately trying to cool it off however she could.
Najen: Oooooo! I can’t take it anymore! Dugo, you’re carrying me!!
Narrator: Before waiting for Dugo’s approval, which he wasn’t about to give, anyway, Najen jumped onto his back.
Dugo: Jeez, who would have thought some hardened assassin would have such sensitive feet?
Najen: Well, I’m sorry my assassin training didn’t include any walking over hot coals exercises!
Jonathan: Hmm… As humorous as this scene may be, perhaps it is time to get this over with and move on, Enrique.
Narrator: Enrique once again focused his energy on the two opponents. Najen and Dugo closed their eyes, expecting the worst.
Najen: Uh… Dugo?
Najen: We haven’t combusted yet, it seems.
Dugo: That’s true…
Najen: His magic… it didn’t work!
Narrator: But Enrique’s magic had worked, and when the two tried to move in order to do some sort of celebratory dance, they found themselves unable to move.
Dugo: What the…
Enrique: Your turn, Johnny.
Narrator: Jonathan nodded his head and walked over to Najen and Dugo. He then lifted them up into the air, and with an extraordinary show of strength, threw the two of them so far into the ocean that everyone lost sight of them.
Jonathan: Now that that’s out of the way, I believe it’s time for a more… thrilling… battle.
Barin: At last, Render, I will have my revenge!
Apul: And I’sa go get DRUNK wen I beats you, river!!
Rivers: Ugh… it’s Rivers.
Apul: Wut you say?!
Rivers: …Forget it.
Render: So let’s do this, then.
Narrator: And with that last, almost pathetic attempt by Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora to have more lines in this chapter, the four prepared to fight. Who will win, I wonder…?
Which Gate Do You Choose?
All is Right with the World
Winners: Render & Rivers
Losers: Barin & Apul
Winners: Barin & Apul
Losers: Render & Rivers
This poll ends on July 7.