Julie Kozarsky, with her infinite knowledge of the universe, uses her wisdom and experience to reduce your gravest problems into silly inconveniences. So easy, so simple — it’s a cheat code for your life.
Dear Julie,
I want to have video games in my room, but my mom won’t let me. She keeps giving me this old excuse about how it’ll keep me up at night and distract me from my school work. I point out to her that the TV I already have in my room would do the same thing, but she doesn’t listen. I just want to be able to play Sonic before I go to bed. How can I convince my mom to let me have games in my room?
Sincerely,
Missing My Hedgehog
Missing My Hedgehog —
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and desperate measures call for great men. Fortunately for you, this isn’t one of those times. Video games are awesome, yeah, but why get all riled up over buttons and graphics right before bed? You already have a TV in your room, so you have better evening entertainment options at your fingertips. I’d recommend watching some good old-fashioned porn. You’re looking for simulated action, anyway. My final word on the subject? Man made video games, but God made porn possible. Who do YOU trust?
Always,
Julie
Dear Julie,
My best friend is always better than me at every single video game we play together. He always out races me, gets more kills than me, blows me up; whatever you can do in a video game, he does it better than me. No matter how much I practice, he always manages to beat me. How can I finally get a win over him?
A Loser at Life
Dear Loser,
Didn’t you pay attention to the date-rape drug section of health class? If you had, you’d know that the best way to overpower someone is with GHB. I hear it’s easy to make at home, and you can probably find the recipe if you Google it. Slip it into his drink, and soon you’ll be able to not just beat him at video games, but have your way with him. Enjoy!
Always,
Julie
