Paul: Hello everybody I’m Paul Franzen, alongside Eric “Super Thumb” Regan, and boy what a matchup we have for you today!
Eric: It’s everybody’s favorite blue fuzzball… eerr hedgehog.. Sonic locked into bitter combat with that overweight plumber who thirsts for blood.. I mean, loves to wear red.
Paul: That’s right, gamefans! Sonic the Hedgehog vs. Super Mario in a bitter grudge match that has been building up for almost a decade! They’re hanging from the rafters here in the GameCola arena, and everyone’s been waiting all night to see this matchup.
Eric: And boy does Sonic ever want this one! Ever since his company has been reduced to whoring it self out to any console that will look its way, he has to be looking to bring back some of that old glory, eh Paul?
Paul: You’ve got that right, Eric! But Mario’s got his motivation too, after all — he needs to prove once again that he is the undisputed KING of platformers, and that no halfwit hedgehog could ever be better than him in anything!
Eric: Well ring announcer Bob has just made the call; it looks like this epic battle is about to get underway
Paul: Lockup to start, and Mario hiptosses Sonic like a sack of potatoes! Kicks to the midsection but Sonic is right back on his feet, a malicious look in his eyes.
Eric: He’s showing Mario that he’s no toadstool!! Mario will have to do much better than that if he excepts to take out that furious ‘hog!
Paul: Mario grabs Sonic and tosses him into the ropes, looking to backflip him.. but what is this? Sonic’s using his super-speed to out-maneuver the wily plumber! Sonic is just running back and forth between the two sets of ropes at lightning speed; I’ve never seen anything like this, have you Eric?
Eric: Only in the pinball arcade, Paul! Mario is stunned, he is looking around hopelessly — sorry, no powerups here!! He better get it together and fast.
Paul: Sonic dashes up to the top turnbuckle and dropkicks Mario off of the top rope, before Mario even has a chance to see what happened! Mario’s stunned and on the ground; it’s time for Sonic to capitalize!
Eric: But wait! What is that green blur racing toward the ring?!? I smell a set up, Paul.
Paul: Good GAWD ALMIGHTY Thumb, it’s Luigi! It’s that damn plumber’s younger brother, and I just know he’s up to no good!
Eric: Wait, what is that he is raising over Sonic’s head! ITS A PIPE, LUGI HAS A PIPE and he is going to smack that hedgehog right in the back of the head. VISCOUS, I’m sure PETA will have something to say about that one.
Paul: Luigi’s on the ring apron, steel pipe in hand, waiting for his moment to strike. THANK GOD referee Steve McMichael sees him! The ref and Luigi are arguing and wait, what’s this? DAMMIT TO HELL, LUIGI SLID HIS PIPE OVER TO MARIO, WHO CRACKS SONIC IN THE SKULL WITH IT!
Eric: All the speed in the world couldn’t save him there Paul.. he’s out cold! Mario goes for the pin.. but wait!! The ref is still distracted by Luigi! Ooh this could come back to haunt the brothers I’m sure.
Paul: Finally Luigi jumps down off the apron, and McMichael sees the cover…. ONE.. TWO…. HE KICKED OUT AT TWO!! SONIC THE HEDGEHOG KICKED OUT OF A STEEL PIPE TO THE HEAD, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, HOW IS HE EVEN ALIVE???
Eric: Not many know that a hedgehog’s skull is made of solid steel!! Ok ok.. I made that up, sounded damn cool though, didn’t it!?
Paul: It sure did, Eric! Mario senses that the Hedgehog isn’t all there, and goes for the pin again. One, two… and Sonic kicks out again!! Now he’s getting up, slowly, using all the strength he has left just to get up to his feet.
Eric: There is no quit in this Sega all-star, he just keeps coming back for more. Security has just come to escort Luigi out of here.. Mario just might be in over his head this time!
Paul: Don’t be too hasty Eric — Sonic is still dazed from that pipe shot to the head. Shaking out the cobwebs, Sonic throws a weak forearm at Mario, misses, and Mario takes him back down to the mat.
Eric: It’s incredible how athletic someone who’s idea of training is spinning his fork in his pasta can be! HA! Yet he is really dominating this match thus far.
Paul: Hey now, don’t sell this Italian from Brooklyn short! What he lacks in strength, physique, speed, agility, and stamina he MORE than makes up in.. uhh.. plumbing prowess! And he’s about to show off that one good trait now!
Eric: It’s about time! Our toilet has been out of order all week! Oohh right.. in the ring… Ewww I’m not so sure sonic will be to pleased to hear that.
Paul: Mario’s dragging Sonic outside of the ring, and outside of the referee’s keen eyes. He’s looking under the ring for his plunger, and DAMMIT TO HELL, he’s found it!
Eric: Sonic better come to soon! or he may be another victim of Mario’s infamous PLUMBER PLUNGE!
Paul: We’ve seen this move before, performed on countless sinks and toilets around the Mushroom Kingdom, and now we’re about to see it again today! Mario’s holding the plunger over Sonic’s prone body, and there’s nothing Sonic can do to stop it.
Eric: He can only pray to the gaming gods for some sort of divine intervention!!
Eric: Wait, what’s that noise?? Is something coming from the roof??
Paul: Is that.. is that who I think it is? Yes! It’s Tails! Tails is here to save Sonic from an unfortunate plunging! Mario is now distracted by Tails, and that’s just the break Sonic was looking for! KICK TO THE GROIN of the plumber, and Sonic scoots back into the ring, leaving a crumpled Mario crying on the padded floor.
Eric: Ouch!! Does sonic even know how that feels!? No man wants to experience that one.. but where’s the bell!!? That was obviously interference on Sonic’s behalf! What is this ref watching?
Paul: I’m not sure it’s interference Eric because Tails didn’t actually do anything, he just flew around while Mario stared at him. Mario better watch that referee’s count, though! If he doesn’t get in soon he’ll lose the match! 7… 8… 9…
Eric: Oh right yaah well, it LOOKED interfering, didnt it!? I am not sure if Mario’s stick legs can move that plump body fast enough to get back in!
Paul: 9 and a half…. BUT WAIT MARIO’S BACK UP, and he’s crawling back into the ring.. 9 and three quarters…. BY GOD HE MADE IT IN, AND BOY DOES HE LOOK PISSED.
Eric: He just threw tails clear across the arena! He seems to have the strength of a hundred plumbers!! Sonic may want to find his golden rings.. and how!
Paul: I don’t know that Sonic’s gonna get the chance! Mario is on him like a pet coon on a government mule, haymaker after haymaker after haymaker aimed right at the hedgehog’s skull. Sonic is reeling, and Mario’s picking him up! POWERBOMB straight down to the mat.. I think this one might be over, Thumb.
Eric: Jeez it’s like he channeled the awesome strength of the Power Glove for that one Paul, there is NO HOPE for the blue fur clad hero now.
Paul: Stick a fork in that hedgehog — he’s done. One.. two.. three. An anticlimactic finish to a very spirited battle, I must say.
Eric: Sonic fought hard, but that steel pipe was just too much for him to overcome. It seems that Nintendo is still coming up with ways of one-upping Sega!
Paul: Well, Nintendo is what Segain’t, eh? I guess there IS truth in advertising, or at least there was tonight!
Eric: Hmmm perhaps that’s why my Dreamcast tries to kill me in my sleep…damn thinkers.. well that’s all for us! GOOD NIGHT!
Paul: Thanks for letting us into your homes this evening, and we’ll see you next month, when Digital Championship Wrestling returns to the GameCola arena!