Enrique: There’s frickin’ BEARS!!
Jonathan: Hey, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora, there’s a large pack of bears approaching off the… uh… port bow? Eh… That side.
Enrique: YES DAMN YOU, THERE ARE BEARS!!
Large Stone Wall: Toooooootally
Enrique: Yea… wha?? Hey…
Render: Forget it, we need to deal with those bears.
Narrator: And so the group sailed themselves over to the bears… However, much to the surprise of everyone who expects nonsensical singing or dancing to come from swimming bears in the ocean of The Gates of Life, these bears attacked! Except for Larry, Ted, and Jim. They just sang and danced — as much as a bear can dance in the water.
Render: Ah jeez, we had to confront the angry type of bears, eh?
Render: All right, Jonathan, get Large Stone Wall, Strange Creature, and Generic down under! And… get them a vegemite sandwich while you’re at it!
Jonathan: Of course, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora.
Narrator: So! Jonathan followed his orders like a good little sailor, and the vegemite sandwiches were disgusting. Not because Jonathan is not a good cook, but because vegemite is gross.
Render: Now then, Rivers. It is time for you to do something that you really haven’t been doing enough, even though it’s basically the only thing your character has going for it. Use your fusion powers on those bears!
Rivers: Only thing I have going… what the hell, you bastard.
Narrator: Despite Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora’s bastardism, Rivers prepared to use his fusion power. And then when he was done preparing to use his fusion powers, he used his fusion powers. He used his fusion powers to fuse all of the angry bears (there were quite a few) and the three happy singing dancing bears into one gigantic bear. One gigantic angry bear… that sang songs about bad things, like eating people, and who danced evil dances (also about eating people).
Render: Greeeeaaaat, a giant evil singing dancing sea bear.
Rivers: Shut the hell up.
Render: Haha, whatever you say, man. Enrique, you wanna take care of that?
Enrique: Sure, gimme a sec…
Narrator: And so the mighty Enrique climbed up the mast of the ship to the crow’s nest (it was a high mast… and a very tall angry singing dancing sea bear).
Giant Angry Singing Dancing Sea Bear: GROOOOWL!!!
Narrator: Oh no he di’int! That’s right, mighty Enrique went there! He used the moo! That bear is frickin’ toast. Bear toast.
Dugo: What the hell did you do??
Najen: I don’t know!!
Narrator: Woooaaaaaah! Did NOT see that coming! Najen and Dugo came tumbling out of the sky and landed with a loud *CRASH* on the deck of the ship. A small whistle fell out of Najen’s possession and bounced along the deck at the same time…
Rivers: Shiiii-ney. That’s totally mine.
Narrator: Aaaaaand, Rivers grabbed it!
Strange Creature: It’s the warp whistle!!
Narrator: You could practically TASTE the tenseness in the air at this point. Enrique was still mooing his best to keep the giant bear occupied, Najen and Dugo had just fallen from the sky, and now there’s a WARP WHISTLE?? Craaaazy.
Strange Creature: Yes, the warp whistle! It’ll take you and your party anywhere you want to go, depending on what notes you play!
Rivers: Ha! I guess that just makes me the warp master AS WELL as the fusion master!
Render: True enough… Why don’t you give it a try?
Rivers: Hell yes I’m going to give it a try!
Narrator: And, as many of you may have already guessed, Rivers gave it a try. Not just any try, either. An awesome try.
Strange Creature: No.. waaaaiii…
Narrator Two: But it was too late! Rivers had already played the whistle and Strange Creature’s words were cut off by the fade out… However, since Najen and Dugo are so clearly NOT in Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora’s party, they were left alone on the ship with the giant angry singing dancing blue sea bear.
Najen: Uhm… Dugo…
Dugo: Oh for cr… I swear, Najen, you get me in more trouble than I even thought possible. We get beat up, thrown in the desert, attacked by a giant fused sea bear monster that’s… singing and dancing about how good arteries taste or something…
Najen: How in the world is that MY fault??
Dugo: It just is. Deal with it, already.
Giant Angry Singing Dancing Blue Sea/Ocean Bear Monster: Grrr!
Narrator Two: And so, in an effort to end on a suspenseful note, we shift to a meanwhile:
Render: Where, exactly, did we go?
Strange Creature: I’m not exactly sure… We don’t seem to be in any sort of inter-dimensional space… In fact, it looks a lot similar to the world we just left…
Enrique: Good times.
Rivers: Wait… maybe we are in the same world just… in a different dimension!
Jonathan: Dun dun dun!!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Generic: What dimension are we in, then?
Render: There’s some kind of aliens or something. It’s boring and sucks here.
The Gates of Life THE MUSICAL:
Generic: Where are we noooow?
Rivers: Is that a coooow?
Render: What should we doooo?
Enrique: Let’s just say moooo!
Generic: Are we really in another dimension?
Render: No, we are actually in the same place. Nothing happened. This is boring and whoever voted for this sucks.
This poll ends on October 7.