Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! As always I’m Paul Franzen, and with me at this time is “The Sicklerville Crippler” Eric Regan. Dino Riki’s shocking victory in the battle royal last month shook the very foundation of our great sport, and the aftermath is still being felt today; isn’t that right, Eric?
Eric: I am STILL in shock! I am not sure I can go a entire year thinking of Dino Riki as the best man.. that’s just SCARY. Let’s hope some large boulders don’t get in his way or whatever you do in that archaic game.. err yeah! Anyways! There is one VERY SPECIAL match that we have lined up for tonight that will make everyone forget about that astonishing upset.
Paul: Wait, DO you move boulders? I didn’t get any further than throwing butterflies at my adversaries in a fruitless attempt to not fall into a puddle. Regardless, tonight, in this very ring, you’ll be seeing Chrono Trigger’s own Magus take on his archest of rivals from the video game realm, and it isn’t who you’d think.
Eric: That’s right IT’S…. IT’S… that frog from Star Fox?!?! Whaat?!
Paul: You sure are close, Eric! He’s a toad, actually; Slippy Toad, better known as the whiniest of all that series’ whiney characters.
Eric: Yeah I remember him.. ooh how I wish he were dead.. err I mean! WOW! What a grrreat match up we have here! A super powerful battle mage taking on a annoying third-string character!! WHO EVER MIGHT WIN?
Paul: Don’t count out the Slipster just yet! Speak of the devil, there he is, and what a grand entrance he’s making! Flying his starship right into the middle of the ring, Slippy majestically exits and waves to the obviously impressed crowd.
Eric: Majestically?? Do you see that ship?! He crashed right into the ring and it’s ON FIRE; I dont know how impressed the crowd is.. I do know they are a bit terrified, however.
Paul: And after all that pain and suffering, he still manages to wave to his adoring public! That’s majesty if I’ve ever seen it. Not to be outdone, here’s the showboat Magus, appearing in a puff of smoke right next to Slippy’s blazing ship.
Eric: Wow! And look at his summon a flood of water down to the ring, conveniently clearing out the flames. What a guy, that Magus is.
Paul: He’s just showing off, taking advantage of Slippy’s misfortune and using it to con the crowd into thinking he’s benevolent. At least ONE of DCW’s commentators doesn’t buy your crap, Magus!
Eric: YOU ‘DA MAN MAGUS … uuh yes back to our presentation.. it looks like the ref is calling for the bell to be rung.
Paul: And this match is underway! Like most matches, this one starts off with a simple grapple, Slippy trying to get the upperhand early by using his obvious strength advantage.
Eric: Obvious strength?? The toad seems to have just been lifted high above the head of the mammoth Magus and DOWN TO THE MAT he goes! Chokeslam! CHOKESLAM by Magus!
Paul: How did he even do that? Magus put all of his experience points into magic, not power; that should never have happened. Slippy, ever quick to show us how he earned his name, slides across the ring and under the bottom ropes, hoping to catch a breather.
Eric: Well Paul if you haven’t noticed, he is facing a toad who pull all of HIS experience points into jumping.. and being a whiney little BITCH, can’t forget that one! Well it looks like the pursuit is on as Magus is chasing after the slippery one.
Paul: This may be true, but Slippy does have other attributes going for him, and there’s one of them now! He’s just pulled out one of those damned bazookas from the multiplayer levels of Star Fox 64, and he’s pointing it right at Magus’ head.
Eric: Such disrespect for the rules this horrid toad has!! I hope the ref is watching the same match as I am! DQ DQ DQ! Where are you ref! But it doesn’t seem he is paying any bit of attention to his job and Magus is running for his life now.
Paul: Come on man, when’s the last time you remember Jannetty paying attention to the match? I’m shocked he can ever pull off a three count for us. Slippy’s pulling the trigger on that bazooka, and the match might be over quickly this month! Magus’ life too, actually…
Eric: Oh but wait!! Magus has stopped and seems to be casting some sort of spell?? I can’t really tell but I do notice the entire ring being enveloped into a wave of darkness!! Uuuuh oh.
Paul: Did he use his innate powers to conjure up a globe of darkness, or am I mixing up my characters? Regardless… we can’t see a damn thing folks, so it’s hard to call the action right now.
Eric: That’s Drizzt you fool!! This is his special attack that takes away like 9999 hitpoints!! INSANITY!
Paul: I was close enough! Okay, okay, I think we can see now… and Slippy’s completely knocked out on the ground, with Magus standing above him. Marty Jannetty’s actually counting them out, can you believe this Eric? He’s up to 7 now; our combatants better hurry up and get back into the ring!
Eric: Marty?! doing his job?!? BY GAWD! 8..9…!!
Paul: Magus is dragging Slippy Toad back into the ring! I guess he doesn’t wanna win this one on a countout; the wizard wants a decisive victory over the amphibian.
Eric: Well in my book completely knocking someone else out is pretty decisive but then again.. I am not a wizard. What ever could he be doing?
Paul: Magus works in mysterious ways, Eric. He’s layed out Slippy in the middle of the ring, and Magus is ascending to the top of the turnbuckle; I wonder what he’s got in mind now!
Eric: Oh no, I think he is preparing his deadly finishing maneuver.. the Triple Magusault!!
Paul: BY GAWD! If he pulls this off, it will spell the end of Slippy for sure! Then again, I’m not sure the toad has much more going for him right now anyway.
Eric: Yes, his blinking eyes are the only things telling us he is still somewhere in there…. and look! Magus is jumping from the top rope… one ..two.. three spins! OOUCH and he lands right on Spillery, feet first.
Paul: Right into the toad’s stomach! Wow Eric, Slippy was hit with such force that his long amphibian tongue went sailing right out of his mouth.. and wait.. it’s snaking itself around Magus!! Can you believe this?!
Eric: Incredible! The unconscious toad is squeezing the life out of the powerful mage!
Paul: But how is he even doing that? Slippy CLEARLY has nothing left in his tank; is his tongue somehow acting on its own?
Eric: Well I am not up on my toad anatomy so I couldn’t tell you, but it seems to be happening right before our eyes! Now both men… errr things are passed out on the canvas
Paul: Referee Marty Jannetty, once again showing some new found prowess in his profession, is again counting the two virtual grapplers out! I can’t believe how on the ball this man is tonight; someone must be pushing his turbo button, if you know what I mean.
Eric: Come to think of it I did see him coming out of your dressing room earlier.. The count is now up to 8!Ssomeone better wake up before we have ourselves a good ol’ fashioned double-count-out.
Paul: 9…. 9 and a half… 10! This match is over ladies and gentlemen — far sooner than we could have expected, and in a very indecisive decision.
Eric: Well Magus can only think of this as an upset! How was he unable to take down a simple toad?
Paul: He’s no ordinary toad, Eric; he’s Slippy! He’s on the Star Fox team! He hangs with the best of aerial fighters; of course he’d cram in some hand-to-hand combat training as well.
Eric: I cant imagine why they continue to let him hang out with them.. anyways! This has been another FABulous version of everyone’s favorite place for digital ass-kickings.
Paul: I can! He went one-on-one with the famed Magus, and lived to tell the tale — not too many out there can make such a claim. For Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen, and we’ll see you again next month on Digital Championship Wrestling!