Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
Gate of Seabears
Observer: Jonathan turns around and comes face to face with yet another pack of singing seabears. It’s too bad Enrique isn’t around to fight them. Oh, and five or 10 of these seabears are possibly zombies of old seabears. And also they came together a la Transformers to form a Gigantic Super Megazord Seabear. An invincible one, at that.
Jonathan: Invincible?! The hell are we supposed to do about an INVINCIBLE fused pack of seabears?!
Jonathan: I’m not.
Gigantic Super Megazord Seabear:You were meeting my friends for the first time
Observer: Because that’s not really my thing.
Jonathan: I realize this.
Gigantic Super Megazord Seabear:And I wanted to show them a good time
Observer: I just observe.
Jonathan: Just then, the Gigantic Super Megazord Seabear reached down with his massive paw and swatted Observer into oblivion.
Gigantic Super Megazord Seabear: But you farted in my place—yes, you farted in my place!
Observer: It doesn’t really work that way, you know.
Observer: You’re not the designated Observer.
Gigantic Super Megazord Seabear: I really hope you realize you’re a really big disgrace!
Narrator Two: His song now sung, the Gigantic Super Megazord Seabear reached down with his massive paw and swatted Observer into oblivion. A twisted, crumpled, bloody oblivion. The beast guffawed, then spat out blood, and then died.
Narrator Two: What happened was this: While the seabear’s hand was still on the ground, n00b lept into action, and when I say lept, I mean it quite literally. Climbing his way up the cerulean monster he reached what he hoped to God was its weak point. He didn’t hope too hard, because the big glowing emblem was a big of a giveaway, but he, nonetheless, hoped.
Narrator Two: But hoping was not all he did! Quick-as-a-hiccup he pulled out his trusty sword—he called it Timothy—and plunged it straight down, straight through the mats of fur to the fragile flesh beneath. It is, of course, at this point that the beast began to spit up blood.
Jonathan: Just because I’m a minotaur doesn’t mean I’m blind, you racist. You’re just like them….
Narrator Two: At which point the seabear died, and we thus moved back into the present time.
Jonathan: So, now what? Our friends are all dead and we’re way the hell up in the air.
n00b: Well, there’s only one way to decide!
Jonathan: Too early for that.
Narrator Two: They decided to do something they hadn’t had a chance to do in several, perhaps all of them, chapters—they slept. They shared a rock, and Jonathan kept nearly kicking n00b off of it during his fitful slumber.
Narrator Two: Jonathan the Minotaur and n00b woke up the next day to the invigorating sound of birds chirping. Good, they thought, because they were hungry. Following breakfast, the odd couple trudged on to what was presumably forward, through this curious realm above the sandy shores of the Black Isle. Trudging on was all they knew.
Narrator Two: Jonathan scratched his head.
Jonathan: I think that’s how it works, anyway.
Narrator Two: Having pointed out fate’s supposed mistake, fate did what it had to do, and Jonathan the Minotaur was companionless. Dejected. Sullen. After walking alone for several days he came across a small village in the clouds, where the children all laughed at him. There may have been more to the the village than that, but the incessant laughing was all he noticed. He expected this, as he’d encountered it often in his previous life. Even as a king, he had received no respect.
Narrator Two: But it felt no better now than it did then. He just wished he had his party back—specifically, that he still had Render, Enrique, and Rivers.
Jonathan: Which reminds me…how did those seabears happen to fuse together like that, anyway?
Narrator Two: Don’t worry about it.
Jonathan: I mean, it’s just not something you see every day.
Jonathan: I’m telling you, there’s only so many creatures that have any fusing capabilities whatsoever, and practically none of them are talented singers.
???: Is that right?
Narrator Two: Jonathan whipped around to face this mysterious person! He was shaggy, he was wearing green tights, and he had on hot pink shoes.
Narrator Two: But it wasn’t who he’d expected it to be.
Which Gate Do You Choose?
A Rivers Runs Through It
Narrator Two: I mean, yes it was.
Rivers: What the heck did you do to Spoonlad?!?!
The Magic Man’s New Clothes
Jonathan: Where’d you get that outfit, Murray?
Mysterious Magic Man Murray: Oh, this? Local pawn shop. Guy wouldn’t tell me where he found it. Nice threads, eh?
Children of the c0rn.
Evil Children: LOL WE JUST PWNED UR ASS.
Jonathan: Bah, that thing doesn’t even really look like him. But wait, how do you even know who Rivers is, let alone about my association with him?
Leaves of Sass
Leaves: I can’t believe you’d mistake me for my brother. God.
Jonathan: It’s an uncanny resemblance…
Jane: Not only am I not a “he,” but my singing voice is lovely, thank you very much.
This poll ends on September 7.