The Past is Fine, Dammit – Part Two
Fan(s) of TGoL: I want to hear about Jonathan the Minotaur’s past!
Fan(s) of TGoL: I want to hear about the Glorious Lord Eric, Grand Master Barbarian Mage of the Third Cave of Hariant’s past!
Fan(s) of TGoL: I want to hear about Strange Creature’s past!
Narrator: We’ll would you look at that? A weird freaky time warp appeared from our continued messings with time. Everyone fell into it and had a grand old time… except…
Render: Ah, well… hmm… It seems I am right back in my present time, but where, exactly, is everyone else?
Narrator: YES! That’s right! Render was in the present, but Jonathan, Enrique, and Strange Creature had all gone spinning back to some point in the past. All of the others were just lost in an inter-dimensional vortex.
Jonathan: What the—an arena? Oh dammit not here again.
Narrator Past: With that a gigantic Minotaur, even bigger than Jonathan, came storming towards Jonathan with his axe ready for killing. Jonathan dodged out of the way and the other minotaur slammed his axe right into the ground.
Jonathan: Phew… he is stunned with his axe stuck in the ground; this seems like the best time for me to attack. I shouldn’t waste this opportunity.
Narrator Past: But all of his thinking caused him to miss his opportunity. It’s a shame, really. Fortunately, the other minotaur repeated the same maneuver many, many times over the course of the fight, and Jonathan was eventually able to whittle his HP down to 0.
Minotaur King: Congratulations Jonathan. From this day forth you are now heir to the throne!
Strange Creature: Back… what? Hmm… well I won’t miss it this time.
Strange Dude: Yo, woah… I like totally found this uhh… flute thing.
Strange Mon: Amazing mon, simply fansastic.
Strange Creature: I’ll be needing that whistle from you, my friend.
Strange Dude: Well ok, I guess…
Strange Mon: Don’t do it, mon!
Strange Creature: Shut up!!
Narrator Past: Strange Creature leapt at Strange Mon’s throat, but was quickly thrown aside by Strange Dude, who had tremendous upper body strength.
Strange Dude: Let’s get out of here, dude.
Strange Mon: I’m with ya, mon.
Strange Creature: Heh heh heh…
Narrator Past: Guess what Strange Creature snatched from Strange Dude while he was being thrown to the ground.
Enrique: I don’t even remember this place. Lame.
Ugly Ogre Thing Disguised As A Hot Princess: Oh help me, my brave knight!
UOTDAAHP: HELP ME GOD DAMN YOU!
Enrique: Ok, jeeez.
Narrator: Lot did Enrique know that the Ugly ogre thing disguised as a hot princess was, in actuality, an ugly ogre thing merely disguised as a hot princess!
UOTDAAHP: Bwahahahahahahahahaha! You’ve fallen right into my trap, mortal!
UOTDAAHP: Now you shall be cursed! I shall make you immortal, snatching from you all the joys of mortaldom you have held dear! No more fear of death or illness, and you won’t even be able to catch STDs!! How do you like THAT? You pitiful human.
Jonathan: Damn, where are we now?
Strange Creature: I’m not exactly sure…
Jonathan: So what are we gonna do?
Strange Creature: I suppose it would be wise to first figure out what time period we are in, and then we can figure out the best way of escaping it.
Narrator Past: Enrique began to run away from the other two, and they finally took the time to look around and see the gigantic T-Rex looking thing bearing down on them. And so they ran.
Render: Man, that was probably some of the best, most elaborate and well written fighting I’ve done since the last time I did this. It would totally suck if someone missed this cause they were flipping inter-dimensional channels and just tuned in to me at this very moment.
Narrator: And it does suck for all of you. That was freaking awesome.
Audience Member (Confused): What was he even fighting?
Narrator: Shut up, you.
Render: Let me just check my map a second, and see where I should go next…
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Fix the Story and Go Back to the Present Time!
Render: Ah ha, I’ll go to Fix The Story And Go Back To The Present Time Island!
Continue Messing With Space and Time!
Render: Hmm… I think heading to Irrational Story-Killers Isle is my best bet.
This poll ends on February 7.