Paul: Hello again everyone, and welcome to the BEST sports entertainment promotion outside of the World Series of Darts, Digital Championship Wrestling. As always I’m Paul Franzen, and with me this evening is Eric “I got stuck on the first level” Regan. And tonight gamefans, we have a DCW first for you.
Eric: YES! Tell these nice people what glory they shall be seeing tonight! Oh and… COME on now, IT WAS THE SECOND LEVEL. But I digress. The match we have lined up for everyone tonight is just too good NOT to focus on! Isn’t that right Paul?
Paul: It sure is Eric, and it sure WAS the first level—you hadn’t even reached the halfway marker yet, dude.
Paul: Here in DCW, we’ve had cage matches, we’ve had battle royals, we’ve had people dressed as bananas, but we’ve never had a ladder match, and that all ends tonight when Cloud of Final Fantasy fame takes on Karnov of Karnov fame.
Eric: A LADDER match!? Ooh that’s a bad draw for poor Karnov. He is used to bashing infidels over the head with a ladder, not climbing one.
Paul: Well Eric, if you HAD gotten past the first level in Karnov, you’d know how adept he is at ladder climbing. It’s Cloud I’m worried about in this match, personally.
Eric: The Nimble Cloud, with the body that could be classified as fairyesque?! How ever could you worry about his safety in this match?
Paul: I’d worry about that man’s safely when he ties his shoes; he just doesn’t seem to be all there. Hopefully he is right now, because I think I hear the bell, Eric! DCW’s first ladder match has now officially started!
Eric: That Karnov sure is one hell of a HOSS, isn’t he there, Paul?
Paul: You bet! I’ll tell you what, he puts all those Batista-clones in the WWE to shame. Cloud doesn’t have the faintest idea where to begin in this matchup.
Eric: Yes, he does seem to be quite confused as to why there is a large suitcase hanging above the ring. He was briefed before the match, wasn’t he? Oor did we just drug him and drag him into the arena.. like 90% of our other “combatants?”
Paul: Didn’t you catch the contract signing last week on our show? It took up roughly a quarter of our air time and amounted to absolutely nothing. Cloud knows what he’s gotten himself into, Eric. Boy does he ever know.
Eric: I musta dozed off for that one, boss! Err I mean, I was diligently scouting new talent, or something else very VERY productive and necessary. However I have to agree with you there this just doesn’t seem like something Cloud would want to be a part of. Karnov is a BEAST, for the lack of a better word, not that I am too lazy to think of one, really.
Paul: No doubt about it—Cloud really has his work cut out for him in this match.
Eric: Off he goes! Karnov is charging the aloof Cloud head-on.
Paul: Wow, that was bowling shoe ugly! Karnov just plowed right through the diminutive hero! Cloud is absolutely pasted to the canvas, and Karnov has a hungry look in his eyes.
Eric: His onslaught has just begun, it seems! He is climbing up to the top rope and seems intent on capitalizing on his early success thus far.
Paul: Holy good lord, that’s gotta be the biggest splash I’ve ever seen! If Cloud was pasted before now he’s absolutely nailed, stapled, and sticky-tacked to our ring. This one might be over already!
Eric: Karnov uprights himself and slides to the outside of the ring, to retrieve the ladder!
Paul: Huh.. you know… I was wondering about this before. I don’t actually see any actual ladders outside of the ring—all I see are little boxes with pictures of ladders on them.
Eric: I just got word from the ringside officials that this is the only way Karnov would agree to the match. Worry not—everything is under control.
Eric: Karnov is on the outside now, walks right through one of the boxes.. and.. it’s gone??
Paul: It’s funny how these video game characters can just pick up items without actually picking up items. Karnov is climbing back up to the ring apron, and climbing OVER the top rope, like only the most awesome of bad-asses can do.
Eric: Cloud seems to be stirring! But to no avail.. he it still plastered to that canvas pretty bad.
Paul: Now we see Karnov walking into the dead center of the ring and… well, now that’s not something you see every day. A ladder just appeared right in front of him.
Eric: The wonders here at DCW will never cease to amaze me! However he sure does seem to be crawling up that ladder slower that you would think is humanly possible. What is up with THAT, Paul?
Paul: He’s been studying his WWE tapes, I’d wager! Pretty soon we’re gonna see Cloud walk up the ladder too, slowly, slowly, slowly, until they both reach the top and take a few swings at each other, maybe make the ladder fall down. Something like that.
Eric: Can Karnov’s magical ladder even support two people? I will believe that one when i see it!
Paul: We may not get a chance to! Karnov’s already up to that second rung; in a few more hours, he will have reached the briefcase, and this match will be OVER.
Eric: BY GAWD! Look at that! Cloud as sprung to life and is ALSO already up to the second rung!! THAT is amazing… and ever so eerie.
Paul: I… don’t even know how that’s possible… BUT I GUESS ANYTHING’S POSSIBLE IN DCW! Look at that, he’s already up to the third rung, up to the fourth rung, up to the… what’s taking Karnov so long?? MOVE IT FAT ASS, MOVE IT.
Eric: Ooooh and Karnov seems to slipped on the third rung and takes a nasty spill!
Paul: Karnov has crashed HARD onto our canvas, and Cloud is still climbing! Sixth rung, seventh rung, eighth rung.. there is no quit in this Final Fantasy hero!
Eric: He may just steal a victory here! Oh but wait, Karnov seems to have gotten he nerve back, and has grabbed the ladder and is violently shaking it with all his Karnov might.
Paul: He’s just picked the ladder up, WITH CLOUD ON IT, and is swinging it all about the ring! It’s like some extreme version of the airplane spin, with Cloud hanging onto that ladder for dear life as it cruises all around in a sickening circle.
Eric: It looks like Cloud has decided to make a faithful jump for the suitcase! BOY look at that boy fly! Oooh right past the suitcase and outside the ring.. he will be feeling that one tomorrow, I can promise you that.
Paul: This boy just doesn’t know when to call it a day! I mean, he’s lying outside the ring in a pool of his own blood, wearing the proverbial crimson mask, and look, I think I can see a few bones poking out.. and he doesn’t appear to be moving at all.. but BY GAWD, there’s a spark in his eyes that tells me this match isn’t over. Maybe they’re just glazed over or something.
Eric: Yes, I THINK i might have heard a gurgling noise coming from his direction, but I will take that as a furious battle cry foreshadowing to a comeback like none that has ever been seen before! Or.. maybe it was just gurgling. But Karnov seems to hell bent on finishing him off, as he goes to the top rope AGAIN! This may be a mistake for Karnov, as sure victory seems to be well within his grasp.
Paul: I don’t think he’s going for the splash this time, Eric! Suren he’s smarter than to try and repeat a move like that.
Eric: It’s some strange modified moonsault, Paul!! THAT INSANE!! And.. he HITS it!! The crowd is going wild, Paul! There is actually a Karnov chanting ringing throughout the arena! Simply mind-blowing.
Paul: I’d be on my feet cheering too Eric, if I didn’t have a job to do! KAR-NOV KAR-NOV KAR-NOV! I think we know who’ll be going to the winner’s pay window tonight.
Eric: Me?? Please say it’s ME!! Oh wait, BACK TO THE ACTION! Karnov seems pleased with his work and is rushing back into the ring, and BOOM there is the ladder.
Paul: No Eric.. I don’t think that BOOM was the ladder! Cloud’s prone body was lying right next to another one of Karnov’s item boxes—this one, a bomb, and he just blew it up right in the middle of the ring!! Is Karnov okay?!
Eric: He seems to have been blasted clear into the audience! I can’t see where he went, can you make him out?! Where has the mighty hero gone?
Paul: I’m not sure, but now BOTH of our grapplers are just about completely out of the action! One is in a broken and bloodied heap, and the other has just been blown clear across the arena. What does this mean for the match??
Eric: It can’t end until someone climbs that ladder. Paul!! NO DQ, NO COUNT OUT! I hope you brought your pillow because we may be here a while.
Paul: Not ONLY have I got a pillow, but I’ve got a pair of silk pajamas on under my announcer’s gear! Pretty awesome, eh?
Eric: NO ONE wanted OR needed to hear that one, Mr. Franzen!!
Paul: And they’ve got little butterflies and all KINDS of sparkly stars on them…
Paul: And check this out, I even got a hat to match!
Eric: … oh God, please Karnov, SAVE ME!!
Paul: ..the hat’s even got a little bell on it that rings whenever you… Eric? Eric? Where the hell did you just go??
Paul: “Captain” Eric Regan has just left the announcer’s table, and he’s heading straight for the audience!
Paul: Folks, in all my years.. this is the damndest thing… what the hell does he think he’s doing out there??
Paul: You can’t just LEAVE in the middle of a match like that! I can’t handle this job all by myself, Eric!
Paul: Oh, thank the stars, there he is again. And he’s got KARNOV with him!
Paul: Eric “Super Thumbs” Regan has Karnov in his arms, and he’s cradling the fallen mythological hero like a wee baby.
Paul: Eric’s carrying Karnov into the ring, and he’s climbing up the ladder with Karnov in tow!
Paul: He’s grabbing the briefcase, and putting it into Karnov’s hand!
Paul: And now pushing Karnov clean off the ladder, sending the hoss crashing down to the mat once more.
Paul: And now he’s back at the announcer’s table!
Paul: Eric??? What the hell were you thinking?! We’re not supposed to impact the outcome of the matches like that!
Eric: I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
Eric: I told you no one wanted to hear about your dressings!
Eric: BUT BY GAWD WHAT AN ENDING.
Paul: Wait, I’m getting the official word from backstage now… yes, Karnov will do down in the history books as the winner of DCW’s very first ladder match! And it’s all thanks to Eric “dammit man, it’s the lag’s fault; it’s not MY fault” Regan!
Eric: LAG: More vile that Paula’s PJs! GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!