Paul: Hello gamefans around the world, and welcome to this month’s edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! My name’s Paul Franzen, and with me, always and forever, is Eric “d00d quit letting me die” Regan.
Eric: Let me tell you, this edition promises to be one for the ages! A real doozie of a battle is lined up for tonight.
Paul: You’ve got that right! I mean, we say every month that the upcoming bout is one of the best in DCW history… but it’s always TRUE! Every new match is our best match ever!
Eric: We are just that damn good!
Paul: You ain’t just whistling Dixie, brother!
Paul: Anyway, tonight’s main event is a grudge match for the ages. A bout that’s been building for generations. A fight between two legends–two legends who have had it out for one another for years upon years upon years.
Eric: LEGENDS! you say? Well what are we waiting for? Let’s get down to the action!
Paul: Suren I do, yonder Eric! Let’s head down to ring announcer Repo Man for the introductions.
Eric: Repo Man?! We hired that guy? HE STILL HAS MY CAR.
Paul: Well we needed SOMEONE for the job, and we sure weren’t giving it to that hack Marty Jannetty, no matter how much he begs for a DCW comeback.
Eric: WELL anyways, the participants are making their way down to the ring. We should probably pay attention.
Paul: Yeah, I guess so!
Eric: So just who are these “legends,” Paul? They seem to be quite generic to me.
Paul: Can’t you tell? That one on the left, I think he was in that NES game. You know, the one where you jump on things.
Eric: Whoa really? That’s even more descriptive than “the one with the barrels!”
Paul: No, no, the one from the game with the barrels is on the right, man. This one’s game only has crates. I think. Maybe they both have crates; I’m really not sure.
Paul: Or MAYBE, ACTUALLY, they’re from the same game.
Eric: IM SO CONFUSED.
Paul: There’s the bell, and this match is underway!
Eric: WAIT! I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO IS FIGHTING! How can we start!?
Paul: That one that was previously on the left is now bounding off the ropes, sailing through the air, wrapping his legs around the one that was previously on the right, and bringing the one that was previously on the right down to the mat in what was a SUPERBLY VISCOUS hurricanrana!
Eric: The hell!? They look the same! Who booked this?
Paul: Probably head booker Kamala!
Eric: You will give ANYone a job, wont you.
Paul: The one that was previously on the right, and more recently on the ground, has kipped up to his feet, and he’s engaging a headlock on the one that was previously on the left, and more recently bounding off the ropes.
Eric: Wait wait so which is the one that did the hurricanrana and which is the one that is now sitting in his corner snacking on a delectable hoagie as the other one bounces from rope to rope?
Eric: Is this the circus or something? Did we come on the wrong day?!
Paul: Hang on! I think I’ve figured it out!
Paul: I KNOW I’ve seen them before. In a co-op NES game.
Paul: Friggin’ palette-swapping; they’re Billy and Jimmy! Of Double Dragon fame!
Eric: Whoa, they made a video game of that killer movie?
Paul: And a cartoon series, too!
Paul: If you recall the ending of the first game, Billy and Jimmy fight to the death after dueling their way together through a dozen or so levels of bald-men and dominatrices.
Paul: I guess that fight wasn’t so much “to the death” as once we thought, eh Eric?
Eric: *sniffles* I miss the bald men.
Eric: Well, they did have like 17 sequels to their game.
Paul: But 17 wasn’t enough! Here they are once again, Billy and Jimmy, flying off the ropes and eating sandwiches… TO THE DEATH.
Paul: I think we’re missing loads of the action, man.
Eric: Look! The one not eating a sandwich is flying off the top rope on to the one who IS eating a sandwich!
Eric: Come on quick! Name them before I lose track again!
Paul: Okay, just so we’re clear: Billy is the one in the blue, the one who was previously on the left and then later flying off the ropes and then later still performing the dreaded hurricanrana.
Paul: Jimmy is the one in the red, the one previously lying flat on the mat, and then later eating a hoagie.
Paul: Got it?
Eric: Okay, okay..
Eric: I think so.
Paul: Back to live action!
Eric: So, that red stuff covering “Jimmy” is just his shirt, and not blood, then.
Paul: Well, I thought most of it was his shirt; but after that flying elbow RIGHT to the stomach of Jimmy, which sent little bits of lettuce and bread and tomato hurtling towards our SOLD-OUT crowd here in the DCW arena, I’m not so sure!
Eric: Yes! The arena is chanting, cant you hear it, “BLUE SHIRTED GUY, BLUE SHIRTED GUY!”
Paul: Except that one fat guy in the front; he wants more hoagie.
Eric: And red-shirted guy has finally gotten up! And he is looking none-to-happy about the loss of his beloved sandwich.
Eric: It seems in the passing years he has gained more of an appetite for hoagies than for ass kicking, eh Paul?
Paul: Coming soon for PlayStation 2: Double Dragon–The Sandwich Years.
Eric: I am already waiting in line!
Eric: Blue guy doesn’t seem phased by red-shirted guy’s “angry glare” maneuver, and is repeatedly bashing the loafs face in! OUCH!
Paul: Jimmy doesn’t appear to much like getting punched in the face. At least, I THINK that was Jimmy… the one that was previously on the right and then later eating a sandwich and then later getting elbowed in the stomach, et al. He’s crawled out of the ring under the bottom rope.
Eric: I bet he has some more snacks stashed under the ring, doesn’t he.
Eric: Wait a second! I see some movement under there…
Paul: Under the ring??
Paul: Damn ring-rats… can’t Kamala take that action somewhere else?!
Eric: OH NO!! ITS A MIDGET ARMY! They are all dressed like our Double Dragon heroes! I’M SO CONFUSED!
Paul: … a what?
Eric: An enormous brigade of little people, man!
Eric: They are engulfing the ring!
Eric: CAN YOU NOT SEE IT?
Paul: Kamala’s gonna get fired if he keeps booking crap like this.
Eric: YOU hired him, man. I was all for the Ultimate Warrior and his destructicity.
Paul: Maybe we could’ve gotten Chris Benoit doing a Warrior impression; I hear that’s just as entertaining.
Eric: I think i just threw up a little.. excuse me for a second.
Paul: While Eric’s busy vomiting, let’s do something about this midget fiasco.
Paul: Hello? Guys in the back? Can you hear me?
Paul: Doink? Chavo Classic? Mordecai? Can you hear me now? Do something about these little people, will you?
Paul: Aha, there we go. Glad that’s taken care of. It was a premature end for the midgets, but it was just.
Eric: NOO!! BRING THEM BACK! I WAS ENJOYING THAT.
Paul: Oh right, you don’t enjoy seeing midgets fight Viscera on Raw, but you’d have them PLAGUE our sacred arena?? BLASPHEMY!
Eric: Yes!! EXACTLY!
Eric: While the midgets were running rampant it seems they knocked blue-shirted guy out! And red-shirted guy is getting on the top rope! I think he is positioning for his finisher!
Paul: You think so, Eric? I don’t know what kind of ZANY finisher Jimmy is going for, but apparently it involves a whip handed to him by one of the game’s dominatrix women!
Eric: But wait! What’s that loud crashing sound!?
Paul: If it’s midgets, so help me God…
Eric: I think one of the bald shirtless men has just broken into the arena!
Eric: DAMN STRAIGHT!
Paul: What on earth is he DOING here???
Eric: He wants his dominatrix, of course! POOR JIMMY.
Paul: You mean… he sees Jimmy’s got the whip… you don’t think Abobeoboebotz’s.. confused, do you??
Eric: Well, he sure isn’t the sharpest blade, is he now!?
Paul: Well Eric, I gotta think that’s the last time we’ll be seeing Jimmy, for a long while at least. As Abobobzzeerfgurp carts our red-shirted warrior off into the sunset , Tatanka reaches the number 10. It’s a count-out victory for Billy!
Eric: WAIT!! The little people have broken free of the clutches of our crack security team and are dancing in the ring!!
Paul: Security! Security! Get those damn midgets out of my ring PRONTO!
Eric: You should go dance with them Paul! They are calling for you!
Paul: No. I won’t do it, and you can’t make me.
Eric: Yes I can! GOOD NIGHT FOLKS! Tune in next month for exclusive clips of Mr. Franzen dancing with little people.
Paul: These clips will never see the light of day.