Paul: Hello everyone and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and tonight… well… I’m not entirely sure what we’ve got! Tonight’s main event is the brainchild of The Captain, and I think we’d all be much better off if he did the explaining. Eric?
Eric: Well, if you can imagine PURE AWESOMENESS then you can imagine what we have in store for you tonight!
Eric: It is a THREE STAGES OF HELL match, but not just any ‘ole three stages, oh no. Three stages of JOUSTING HELL my friends yes, YES… JOUSTING.
Paul: Jousting, you say?
Eric: OH YES! The first stage, or match, if you will, be will good old fashioned medieval horse-backed jousting.
Eric: The second stage will be on the “borrowed” American Gladiators jousting apparatus!
Eric: And then IF needed, and frankly it usually is, the third stage will be… a rousing match of JOUST, the almost famous arcade/Atari/NES game. Since you know, we here at the ‘Cola sort of dig the videogames.
Paul: Well… okay, then! What’s this got to do with wrestling again?
Eric: *cough* Um… what DOESN’T it have to do with wrestling?
Eric: Three stages of hell, that’s a wrestling match! SOO, it’s… yup.
Paul: Fair enough! Are the horses ready? Have then been fed and walked? Are we ready to get this contest underway?!
Paul: I almost forgot!
Eric: You forget?! Never.
Paul: Who are the combatants in this bout Eric??
Eric: I am GLAD you asked! Because for such a marvelous match we need some marvelous contests.
Eric: I present to you… Master Chief and… THE WALL STREET KID, WSK!
Paul: Wait wait, hang on. The whipped boy from that NES “classic?” That game got a thumbs down, man!
Eric: yes it DID and deservedly so, BUT WSK begged and groveled at a shot to redeem himself, so… here he is!
Eric: Oh, by the way, Master Chief is a part of this little game called “Halo” I stumbled upon a few weeks ago. I’ve never really heard much about it, but MC really seemed interested.
Paul: Halo, eh? Can’t say I’ve heard of that one.
Eric: Yeah it wasn’t out long; I think it was published by Twopoorguysandagoat Productions
Paul: You’re saying we’ve actually got a wrestler who WANTS to be a part of our promotion?? Astounding!
Eric: Well… it IS the Wall Street Kid. It’s not like his door is being bowled over with job offers.
Paul: I can’t wait to see what the Wall Street Kid has up his sleeve, and I can’t wait to see what he does to this veritable unknown, this wild card, this x-factor, Master Chief.
Eric: Perhaps if he wins he can cook up the crew a delightful dinner even! Oh wait, chief… I thought it was chef.
Eric: Oh well, LETS GET TO THE ACTION.
Paul: Awwww, lookit the horsies! They’re adorable! Look, that one’s even snorting and neighing! I just wanna hug them and squeeze them and eat them all up!
Eric: You may want to tone down your natural gaiety a bit there Paul; GameCola has MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS of readers, you know.
Eric: Just how is referee Pete Gas dealing with those horses down there, Paul?
Paul: Quite frankly, I just don’t know! But more importantly… where on Earth did we get this new ring?? You see that, Eric? It’s got the same width as your typical standard wrestling ring, but it’s at least two times as long! Maybe three times!
Eric: It’s all from the good folks at P. Franzen’s Bank Account! THANKS AGAIN for that one for everyone at PFBA.
Eric: Now, the horses seem ready, how about our jousters are they all suited up and ready to plow straight at one another?!
Paul: I think they are! Gas has his arms raised in the air, and… HE LET THEM DOWN! This match is underway!
Eric: Okay! Now as everyone knows, the object is… to not fall off.
Eric: Or die. Don’t do that. PFBA may not be able to cover the cost of that one.
Paul: Plus, what would become of the other two stages if one of our grapplers perished? I hope we have some safety precautions in effect.
Eric: Pfft we ARE professionals of course we do
Eric: *whispers* We do have the clones on standby, right Paul?
Eric: THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT! Looks THEY ARE OFF AND RUNNING.
Paul: No they’re not, they’re done already! They ran right past each other without even so much as a glancing blow! What is this garbage?!
Eric: Well, they aren’t experts, you know. It might take a few goes at it before they connect…
Paul: Oh come off it, how friggin’ hard is it to jab a javelin through someone’s belly? And how hard is it to friggin’ stay on a horse? Friggin’ Wall Street Kid seems to be having some friggin’ trouble with friggin’ that.
Eric: It is a LANCE not a javelin! Those are much much smaller.
Paul: They’re all morning stars for all I care! C’mon, I wanna see some blood.
Eric: He probably is just lonesome. You know, he has been unattached from his lady for a full 45 seconds now.
Eric: WELL HERE THEY GO AGAIN… ookay well, they missed each other again, but it sure LOOKED closer, didn’t it Paul!?
Paul: No, it didn’t.
Eric: YES IT DID!! IT WAS AMAZING!!
Paul: No, it wasn’t.
Eric: Oh well, perhaps not… oh look, WSK just took a nasty spill walking back to his side of the ring.
Paul: We need to get this boy some glue!
Eric: SUCH INTENSITY!! can you feel it!
Paul: Maybe some rubber cement… mmmm, rubber cement…
Paul: I could make some pretty mean boogers with rubber cement Back In The Day, you know.
Eric: Okay… well it seems that his team has tied him in there pretty tight with some sort of rope. Boogers are NOT not necessary.
Paul: Though actually… that doesn’t seem too fair, does it? How’s the Masta gonna knock the Kid off his horse if he’s frickin’ tied to it?
Eric: Well… you seem to be a bit premature with all that “fair” talk. “Masta” has you call him seems to have given up his lance in favor of some sort of huge blaster rifle or some sort.
Paul: It’s breaking down in the DCW arena! Katie bar the door, it’s a pier six brawl! My god, what a slobberknocker.
Eric: Really? Because all I seem to be seeing is Wall Street over there screaming like a little girl as his horse runs him wild around the arena while the Chief takes pot shots at him.
Paul: And folks, I think the first round of this joust is over! Your winner: Master Chief, who knocked Wall Street Kid offa his horse via blaster rifle.
Eric: *ahem* Jousting blaster rifle.
Paul: No, no. It was just a blaster rifle. Better hide the evidence before Gas catches wind.
Paul: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
Paul: Gas? Catches wind?????
Paul: And you all thought Eric was the funny one!
Eric: *Thud* Yes… that is the sound of me bashing my head against the desk. Damn your PUNS!
Eric: Well it looks like the contestants are moving over to the Gladiator set up! Oooh boy, this will be a DOOZY, wont it!?
Paul: If Master Chief can keep his hands off his gun for more than two seconds, it might be!
Eric: It’s okay! He has no access to any weaponry ‘cept our giant Q-tips… I mean, jousting… sticks up there! And IF he gets off, its all ooooover.
Paul: I gotta think the Masta might have the upperhand here, Eric! WSK is looking a little scrawny, as though he’s been taking his gal-pal on picnics instead of going for the elusive swim.
Eric: DAMNIT MAN! I TOLD YOU TO HIT THE GYM! There is only so much time in a day!!
Paul: Ah, the gym was probably closed anyway. Wasn’t there something in the paper about that?
Eric: WSK is taking punishing blow after punishing blow! And yet he remains standing! Such heart!
Paul: Are you watching the same match as me, Eric? WSK has been wobbling this entire bout without getting a single shot in!
Eric: Hey! He is still in it!! ANYTHING is possible in DCW!
Eric: The Chief seems to be quite agitated that his blows has of yet been unable to knock down the feeble titan we call Wall Street.
Paul: I imagine it’d be hard to knock anyone down who’s being held up by a team of his friends! You DO see that his girlfriend, his accountant, his real estate agent, and apparently his dead grandfather are all holding him up, right? It’s not just me, is it?!
Eric: When you order the WSK you get the ENTIRE PACKAGE, Paul!
Eric: Look!! WSK has just scored his first AMAZING blow!
Paul: And it was below the belt! Master Chief is staggering!
Eric: He took a step back… oooh but he seems to be lacking a group to support him, doesn’t he Paul? Tough break.
Eric: If only he had the pure SKILLS of WSK.
Paul: I think he’s still in this one, Eric! Don’t count Master Chief out yet! Just because you don’t know him doesn’t mean you can be all racist against him; GOD.
Eric: It’s not my fault WSK is just THAT DAMN GOOD! He is an unstoppable force! OH GOD I THINK HE JUST BROKE A NAIL! It seems to be distracting him.
Paul: Master Chief is swinging his Q-tip wildly! He’s just knocked down WSK’s girlfriend! His accountant! His zombie!
Paul: Uh oh.
Paul: He’s just knocked out Wall Street Kid’s real estate agent.
Paul: There’s going to be hell to pay now.
Eric: LOOK, WSK is coming back, jabbing that JOUSTING STICK rapidly into the gut of Master Chief over and over!
Paul: BAM, Chief is hunched over! THWACK, Chief has been hit in the head! And thwack again! Thwack, thwack, thwack! WSK is beating Master Chief like he’s me beating a videogame!
Eric: No Paul, WSK seems to actually be winning… that’s nothing like you and videogames. WHAT IS THIS!? THE CHIEF HAS FALLEN!
Paul: THE CHIEF IS DOWN! THE CHIEF IS DOWN! By gawd, I think WSK has actually won one!
Eric: In a truly amazing comeback the Wall Street Kid has forced us to go to the third and final stage!! WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT.
Paul: Man, I was hoping to cut out of here early. I’m missing Raw for this!
Eric: Only in its dreams could Raw bring you this much excitement Paul.
Eric: And now, perhaps the most fierce battle yet… videogaming.
Paul: A head-to-head battle in the videogame joust? Will it be the Atari version? Will it be the arcade version?! WILL IT BE THE NES VERSION?!?!? BY GAWD I JUST DON’T KNOW.
Eric: It seems to be old reliable, Atari! Though… couldn’t you have sprung for a little larger TV, Paul? I can barely see what is going on.
Paul: It’s big enough for the brawlers to see, isn’t it? That’s all we need.
Eric: How can we commentate on something we cant see!?
Paul: How can’t we commentate, Eric?
Paul: Not good enough for the job?
Paul: Do I need to find a replacement?
Paul: Do I, Eric?!
Eric: IS THAT A CHALLENGE, Mr. Franzen?!
Paul: YES IT IS, CAPTAIN.
Eric: Perhaps you could find a replacement for your pun-filled self, but not I! ENRIQUE BACKS DOWN FROM NO CHALLENGES!
Eric: It’s go time, boy. GOTIME.
Eric: As the start button hits I can see both combatants wildly smashing down their respective buttons! Can you give us some insight on to these tactics, Paul?
Paul: Well, yes I can! Master Chief, being new to this whole gaming thing seems to be just hitting buttons wildly. Some call it “button mashing.” I call it “lame.”
Paul: WSK, on the other hand, is going for a more traditional approach. AKA, actually trying to win. Using actual strategy. Pushing all the right buttons, if you know what I’m sayin’.
Eric: All looks the same to me.
Paul: That’s why I’m replacing you.
Eric: OOH BURN.
Eric: Just remember, I am too good of a man to resort to tire slashing so if you find your slashed, it must have been Master Chief.
Eric: Master Chief seems to be abandoning his old approach and is now using a one handed method… while his free hand punched WSK right IN THE FACE!
Paul: And WSK is down! That’s all it took? One shot?!
Eric: He has had a rough day…
Eric: Look at the Chief just rack up the points! He is smashing those littlie blobby things like there is no tomorrow.
Paul: And WSK is still down! Master Chief might be making a little more out of this situation if he actually had some idea how to play the damn game.
Eric: Well you know, it’s not THAT easy.
Paul: I bet I could do it.
Eric: WSK seems to be back in action! And still a ways ahead of the Chief’s lamer score.
Eric: It’s pretty sad when someone could take gaming tips for us, Paul.
Paul: Master Chief doesn’t seem too happy about how this is working out! He’s getting frustrated, he’s getting upset. Controllers just may be thrown.
Paul: Or.. huh. Maybe not thrown.
Paul: Chief is reaching down into his pants! He’s pulled out his gun!
Paul: He’s taking aim at WSK’s controller!
Paul: THIS CAN’T BE LEGAL.
Eric: I dont think we have any clear rules for video gaming…
Eric: Quick, go check the official tournament booklet!
Paul: I don’t think we HAVE one, Eric.
Eric: Well then, its all up to Petey!
Eric: Chief pulls the trigger… and BOOOM the controller is gooone.
Paul: The controller may be gone, but the cord isn’t! In all his fury WSK is wrapping his charred cord right around the throat of Master Chief!
Eric: This is one of those there… uh… what did you call it… six peer brawl?
Paul: Pier six, by gawd! Pier six! Master Chief is motionless! He is succumbing to the choke hold of the Wall Street Kid!
Eric: Harsh!! He may be thankful he is such an obscure character now.
Paul: Yeah! I’d sure be embarrassed if I were being destroyed by the friggin’ Wall Street Kid and I was as famous as someone like, say, Dino Riki.
Eric: Well c’mon now paul, we all know Riki would have put this match away with the jousting sticks.. the uh, second ones.
Eric: BUT! As it stands Chief seems to be flailing and gurgling all around. ITS NOT LOOKING SO HOT FOR THIS NEWCOMER.
Paul: Is that blood in his vomit? Or.. wow, I think that’s a tooth. In any event Master Chief is OUT, and if you’ll look on the massive television monitor, you can see that the joust is OVER.
Paul: But who is the winner?!
Eric: Well we will have to go down to the ring, where Senior Referee has our decision!
Paul: Pete Gas is holding the Wall Street Kid’s hand high in the air! I think we have our winner!
Eric: WHAT A STUNNER! Such intensity, excitement! This week was as a thrilling ride as we have had here at DCW!
Eric: Psst, how many more times can I lie before i get struck down by lightening?
Paul: I think you went over your limit for that years ago, Regan.
Eric: Well, I’ll just keep my fingers crossed! THUMBS UP for this edition of DCW!
Paul: We hope everyone enjoyed our main event this month, and don’t worry—I swear we’ll have an actual match in next month’s issue.
Eric: WHAT!? What do you think this was!? ITS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!
Paul: God help us.
Paul: Goodnight everybody!