The Gates of Life: Episode 27 – Eye for an Island Nation

Enrique: We have to go after our former leader. I'm not leaving and loose ends. And also I need a kingdom. Narrator, find me an island nation to take over.

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Chapter Twenty-Seven
Eye for an Island Nation

Enrique: We have to go after our former leader. I’m not leaving and loose ends. And also I need a kingdom. Narrator, find me an island nation to take over.

Narrator: Chill your grill, man. I’ll do it when I do it.

Enrique: You are three seconds from the Plane of Eternal Assholery.

Narrator: Whatever, bitch. There’s nothing left there; it would be a nice peaceful change from your bitchy bitch bitching, bitch. Besides, I can just narrate myself back. Watch: I’m there, I’m back, I’m there, I’m back. Booyah.

Enrique: uncool man, UNCOOL!

Narrator (Reformed): Yea, I guess you’re right. I’m sorry bro, I’ll help you out.

Enrique: niiice.

Narrator (/invis to: “Enrique” Actually pretending to be reformed with no intention of finding Enrique an Island Nation /invis): And so our brave new hero and his smaller than average crew set out after the former hero and his larger, but not by much, crew. I, having seen that Enrique is the true hero of the story, set off to find a suitable island nation for him to conquer.

Enrique: Sooo, are you ready?

Jonathan: For what?


Jonathan: Oh.

Enrique: Indeed.

Jonathan: I don’t see either of them anywhere around here. There’s just that dead asshole over there.

Enrique: Hmmm. Well, they probably would try to find some sort of path out. Seeing as this is a very irritating place, there’s probably something like 80 billion fake exits and one real one. That means its just a matter of finding out which path they took and catching up with them.

Jonathan: Easier done than said, chief. Let’s go.

*Point of View Shiftometer V.02*

Rivers: You sure you know where you’re going?

QM Girl: Yes I know where I’m going, you nonbeliever!

Rivers: But… We’ve just been going up and down this same staircase for about 26 minutes now…

QM Girl: Shhh!

Render: Relax, Rivers. I’m sure she knows what she’s doing. Besides, it’s not like we’ve got any other way to go right now.

QM Girl: =D

Rivers (/whisper: Render): What are you thinking, man?

Render (/whisper: Rivers): What do you think I’m thinking? She’s pretty cute.

Rivers: Oooooooh!

QM Girl: What?

Rivers: Nothing.

Render: Anyway, let’s go.

QM Girl: We’re there.

Rivers: Huh? We’re still on the same stairs we were on when we started talking seven minutes ago.

QM Girl: Yes, but now we’re there.

Render: Ah…

Rivers: That doesn’t make much sense, but I sure am interested in seeing what you plan to do from here.

QM Girl: Follow me!


Rivers: Where did she go?

Render: Tell me she did not go through a portal.

Rivers: Huh…

Render: Well, let me try something…


Rivers: …

Rivers: …

Rivers: …

Rivers: …

Enrique: Ah HA! I knew I’d find you here!

Rivers: Aww crap.

Jonathan: Hey Rivers, how’s it going?

Rivers: Alright. Don’t know where I am or where everyone else went, though. It’s kind of annoying.

Jonathan: Everyone else? Did Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora run ahead and leave you here?

Rivers: Not exactly. He sort of vanished.

Jonathan: Vanished? Impossible! The only way to vanish is by taking a portal, and Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora hates portals.

Rivers: I don’t think it was a portal… I mean, if it was a portal I’d be able to just walk around and go through it the same way he did, right? But no matter how much I walk around in circles here I’m not teleporting anywhere.

Enrique: As much as I hate interrupting your chat, I have a bad guy to bring to justice.

Jonathan: Woo, rock that hero role.

Enrique: Totally.

Rivers: Eh…

Enrique: Last chance, vile dog of Hades! Join me or taste my blade!

Rivers: I’ll join you, just calm down please.

Enrique: The righteous hand of justice is never calmed until all evil is squashed from the hearts of men!

Rivers (mumbled): I still say I should be the leader, I’ve been here longer…

Narrator: And so the narrator gets back just in time to narrate Rivers getting stabbed right through the face by our hero’s great sword, the Enriquemania.

Rivers: Unripe…. black… berr..ies…

Jonathan: !!!

Enrique: Let’s go, we have to find Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora before he gets out of here.

Narrator: So cold. Enrique leaves up the stairs and Jonathan, still in a state of shock, follows after him. Rivers is left to die cold and alone.

Rivers: Laaaaaaame….

Narrator: But wait! What’s this??

Rivers: Fuu…siiooon…..

Narrator (SHOCKED!!): Oh my goodness! He’s fused his face back together!

Rivers: Hell yea! They don’t call me Rivers Fusion for nothing!

*Point of View Shiftometer V.02*

Render: I guess he’s not coming…

QM Girl: =( I’m sorry, we really must go, though! They’re getting closer!

Render: … Alright then, let’s go.

QM Girl: Oh no! We’re too late!

Render: What? How did Enrique catch up to me already?

QM Girl: Who is Enrique?

Render: Wait a minute, who is chasing us?

QM Girl: Them!!

Render: Oh my god, you have got to be kidding me.

Portal Person: We are the portal people. You have trespassed on our land, and now you must be terminated.

Render: NoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO!!!

QM Girl: There’s only one way to defeat them! You must jump through there leader, President Portalman!

Render (Crying): No hohohohooo whyyyyyy???

QM Girl: Get a grip, man! Here he comes!

President Portalman: Infidels! Prepare to be destroyed!

QM Girl: Now, jump through him!

Render: …

Enrique: Don’t even think about going anywhere, vile demon. You die here and now.

Render: Argh. Alright, I’m just about at the end of my sanity rope here. Enrique, get your spoonie ass over here and let’s finish this.

President Portalman: Trespassers, sta

Render&Enrique: Silence, fool!

President Portalman: …

Enrique: I’ve been waiting for this moment, filthy curr.

Render: Alright justice jake, bring your fury over here:

Narrator: Enrique ran straight for Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora with all of his seemingly-out-of-nowhere built-up fury, and brought his sword crashing down inches next to the fallen hero’s head. Of course, it crashing down inches next to his head means that he did, in fact, miss. Or maybe the captain dodged. Either way, he didn’t hit. Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora used this opportunity to spin around and kick Enrique right in the ass. The kick, combined with the momentum of Enrique’s charge, caused our hero to fall right into President Portalman.

President Portalman: Ack! Noooo!!

Enrique: Ack! Mooooo!!!


Narrator: He did it again! And where did he come from? I wasn’t paying attention!

QM: Wow…

Jonathan: Oh my…

President Enriquemaniaman: Bwahahaha! You fool, you’ve just made me more powerful than ever!

Render: Well… time to go!

River: Yep.

QM: I’m with you.

Jonathan: Totally.

Narrator: The four traitors ran, but I remain by your side, oh great President!

Portal People: We also serve you, master.

President Enriquemaniaman: Bwahahaha! Those fools are nothing to me now. I’ll crush them later. Right now I should take care of securing my new kingdom. Narrator! Take me to my island nation.

Narrator: …

Which Gate Do You Choose?

Pick an Island

Narrator: It’s one of the islands on the island chain southeast of here… I’ll point it out when we get there.

Any Island

Narrator: My narratoric foresight has shown me that Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and his foolish followers are heading to take your island home before we can get there! We better hurry after them!

WTF is an Island?

Narrator: Enrique ate a strange fruit given to him by one of his new followers. He no longer remembers anything about asking the innocent narrator to find him an island.

n00b Damnit, n00b!

Narrator: Forget the island, it’s time we brought back n00b!

This poll ends on October 1.

1 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)

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