On the date of August 24th, 2005, I was caught with my pants down in front of a cop car that had been set on fire, while holding a book of matches in one hand and a tank of gasoline in the other. As part of my community service, I’ve been ordered to bestow my vast knowledge upon the gaming masses.
Zack, Zack, the Lego-Maniac:
I write for a vaguely popular online videogame newsletter. Well, write should be in quotes.
Like this: “write.”
That’s actually why I’m e-mailing you. I don’t know how to get my writing done at any time before the hour of the deadline; and, of course, my writing then suffers from being rushed.
How does one motivate one’s self to write such things in advance?
Thanks,
I’ve Only Just Heard of GameCola, So of Course I’m Not On Its Staff
Dear I’ve Only Just Heard of GameCola, So of Course I’m Not On Its Staff,
Oh I get it. Let’s write an e-mail to Zack about him waiting until the last minute to write his shit. Very funny, Beardo.
Well, when I do actually write, my motivation usually works like this: I play an old-school game until I’ve built up just enough hate to squeeze out a good amount of words. As you can see, this still doesn’t keep my reviews from being among the shorter ones.
Recently, my Nintendo-playing has been inducing so much hate that instead of writing, I’ve been more-compelled to go and destroy something.
So for my advice, I suggest that you get off my dick, and I’ll write this shit when I fucking feel like it.
– Zack
P.S. On the off chance that this letter was not written by Mr. Franzen, then I would suggest that you either try to write your articles ridiculously ahead of time, or quit what you’re doing and find an online videogame newsletter that has enough readers for you to actually get feedback on your stuff. It’s hard to get into writing when you aren’t sure if anyone is even reading it.
Dear Zack,
I was at this gaming convention, and I couldn’t stop following this girl dressed as Princess Zelda. I must have asked for her picture a half dozen times, and I think she was starting to get creeped out, because she was very obviously avoiding me.
Why are girls so dense? Why is it so hard for them to realize that a guy likes them? I was just trying to get her attention—she could’ve treated me a little better.
Almost in Love,
I Wanted to Be Her Link
Dear I Wanted to Be Her Link,
This is quite a common problem for nerds at conventions. They see one attractive girl, usually in costume, and they automatically think they’ve found their new girlfriend. And of course, the guy usually does something stupid. Instead of trying to talk to her like a normal person, you followed her around and took her picture, which is pretty creepy.
So it’s wasn’t a matter of the girl being dense and not knowing that you liked. It sounds like she knew exactly what was up. And to be honest, I don’t blame her. You went to a gaming convention, and tried to get a girlfriend by taking her picture a bunch of times. You probably are a creepy nerd. You’ve probably jerked off to pictures of scantily-clad videogame women, and that’s certainly your prerogative. It just isn’t going to get you laid anytime soon.
-Zack
