Paul: Howdy gamefans, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! As always I’m Paul Franzen alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and this month, like so many months, we’ve got a first for you! Ain’t that right, Captain?
Eric: Yes, that’s right Paul! For the very FIRST time, YOU, the FAN, have picked our truly epic encounter!
Paul: It’s kind of like Taboo Tuesday, except, well, you actually ARE having some sort of say!
Paul: We’ve got a request from none other than Heather Keels, of Ellicott City, Maryland, and we intend to make good on that request.
Paul: That’s why, for this month only, we’ve allowed someone who’s not, strictly speaking, a videogame character to enter the digital arena!
Eric: Damn, I was hoping I would be the first non videogame character allowed into the ring.
Paul: If someone (besides you, that is) requests it, it shall be done! Because that’s what DCW is all about, after all: making the fan happy.
Eric: One might think my truly insightful and amazing commentary would be enough to make anyone happy!
Eric: So it looks like our combatants are making there way to the ring now.
Paul: Yes folks, there he is! The man, the myth, the legend. The person I’ve never actually listened to but I’ll just assume he isn’t all that good because he’s a rapper, and rap, quite frankly, is crap: 50 Cent.
Paul: For those of you shouting foul, don’t forget: Technically speaking, 50 Cent actually is a videogame character. He was, after all, the star of 50 Cent: Bulletproof, released just last year.
Paul: And, some quick GameCola trivia: Bulletproof was a runner up for “Most Disappointing” game of 2005�not because we expected great things, mind you. No, the main disappointment in Bulletproof is in that it actually exists.
Eric: And in the OTHER corner, the conquering hero we like to call… MEGA MAN!
Paul: As we all know, this is by no means Mega Man’s first foray into the DCW ring. He competed in our very second match ever, defeating Kingdom Hearts’ Sora via disqualification after outside interference from one Donald Duck.
Paul: If you can call a mere healing spell interference, that is.
Eric: Healing spells are foreign objects! The Great Franzen should have no objections to that!
Paul: Well the DCW rulebook aside, referee Pete Gas is calling for the bell, and this most epic of encounters is underway!
Eric: Mega Man is starting things out by… going to the ropes?! A bold move indeed!
Paul: Well we’ve never known the Blue Bomber to be much of a high flier, but it seems to be working well for him! A fierce headscissors takedown to the supposed musical talent, and Mega Man goes for the quick pin.
Eric: ONE, TWO…. But no! 50 kicks outs… and manages to turn it into an armbar!
Paul: Mega Man ducks down, and lifts 50 Cent high up into the air. He runs to the ropes again, bouncing off of them a few times and then positioning himself in front of a turnbuckle.
Eric: OH GOD NO! This looks like a move that was made famous by the greasy rat… doesn’t it!? TELL ME IT ISN’T PAUL! I CANT BEAR TO WATCH.
Paul: Open your eyes, Eric! You can’t be much of a commentator with your eyes closed, unless you feel like commentating on those dreams you were telling me about earlier! Mega Man ascends to the top rope, 50 Cent still on his back.
Eric: But wait, what’s that? 50 seems to have gained back some strength�his hands have grabbed on to the ropes, and they are shaking them for dear life! Can the metallic humanoid keep his balance!?
Paul: Mega Man convulses a little bit and sends 50 Cent crashing down to the arena floor! I’m not sure that’s what Mega had in mind; but hey, whatever works!
Eric: It doesn’t look like 50 took that fall well, and Mega Man is gearing up for his next death-defying maneuver… and it appears to me as if he is going to do it “froggy style.”
Paul: Oh my God! Frog splash to 50 Cent, from the top turnbuckle to outside of the ring! Those floors aren’t matted, folks�that’s cold, hard, unforgiving cement our grapplers just fell and dove onto, respectively.
Eric: It seems Mega Man’s robotic body is holding up well after the collision! But… well , I cant say the same for 50. As Mega Man dashes back into the ring, one has to wonder if 50 can get back into the ring in time!
Paul: Another count out victory? Man, and here I thought the WWE’s finishes were getting repetitive. But wait, Mega Man seems to acquired a new attachment for his arm cannon…. How’d he pull that one off?
Eric: Well either 50 is actually a bot created by the evil Dr. Wiley… or perhaps Pete Gas isn’t as honest as we thought!
Paul: Well, don’t forget Eric: 50 Cent is a videogame character! Is it possible that when Mega Man landed on him he dropped something super special that Mega Man was able to fuse onto hisself?!
Paul: Damn characters seem to be dropping things all the time… money, health potions, armor, whips…. It really wouldn’t surprise me, to be honest.
Eric: This isn’t shaping up so well for 50, who has just barely managed to crawl back up onto the apron!
Paul: Just in time to meet Pete’s 10-count, too! But 50 Cent musn’t get too hopeful about his odds here�Mega Man is lining up his new attachment, preparing for a shot right into the face of this rap star.
Eric: What could it be? What sort of dastardly device has Mega Man fused with? Will this be the end for the heroic 50, savior of a new breed?!
Paul: Could be, Eric! Four shots are fired in rapid succession as 50 Cent is cut open on the forehead, both cheeks and the jaw. A few more shots are blasted into 50’s arms, and one hits him directly in the chest as he falls right back to the floor.
Eric: OH THE HUMANITY.
Paul: But… what the hell is this, Revolution X? Mega Man appears to be firing compact discs out of his arm cannon!
Eric: Those wouldn’t happen to be… 50 cent CD’s, Would they!?
Paul: It’s possible! I can’t get a good look from here, and I’m not about to stand in the weapon’s range to do so! Well it doesn’t matter anyway, as Mega Man ceases fire for the time being, charging towards 50 Cent and diving right through the ropes at the fallen rap star! Suicide plancha to 50 Cent!
Eric: Maan I could hear the squishing sounds on that one! I hope we have a crack medical staff readied for the conclusion of this barn burner.
Paul: Don’t worry, folks! The good folks of Trauma Center are waiting backstage to tend to 50’s wounds at the end of this contest.
Paul: Mega Man goes for the pin outside, which is kinda silly considering the match can’t end out there. Still, his point is made�he remains in the pinning position for a solid two minutes, showing how completely he’s annihilated 50 Cent.
Eric: Two minutes?! That sounds an awfully lot longer then the 10 allotted seconds they should have been given! Where the hell are you, ref?!
Paul: Pete Gas is just standing in the corner, too bemused by it all to enforce the rules all that much. Either that or he just isn’t much a fan of the rap, either.
Paul: You know, this sort of thing never would’ve happened back when we had Marty Jannetty.
Eric: Indeed it would not! Damned that drunkard. Damn him to hell and back! Why couldn’t he instill his superb referee stylings to the youngin’s!? WHHHHY!!?
Eric: Well it seems as if Mega Man is tossing 50 back into the ring now, happy with the humiliation he has bestowed about the rapper. He looks about ready to end this.
Paul: Or is he? He goes for the two-count, but picks 50 up before three. Clearly, the Blue Bomber still has something in mind before this match is to end.
Eric: Was that such a wise move, Paul? 50 might still have a few tricks up his motionless and bloodstained sleeves!
Eric: Look at THAT! His unconscious body slipped out of Mega Man’s grip and crashed right onto the canvas
Eric: I bet Mega Man didn’t see THAT move coming!
Paul: It appears as though 50 Cent’s been bleeding so much that Mega Man can’t get a firm grip on him! It might be time to call it quits, Mega! You can’t even do a move on the poor guy!
Eric: Just end it already! Showboating is not a quality we want in our heroes!
Paul: But he’s got a cute little sailor’s cap and everything….
Eric: Ouch, seriously, that remark just burned my ears.
Paul: Mega stashes the cap away somewhere inside his vastly robotic body. He stands over 50 Cent, tall, proud, and pointing his arm gun thing right at 50’s face.
Eric: I am still amazed he wasn’t DQ’d himself during this match.
Eric: Someone should check into the bomber’s dealings with our refereeing staff. Just saying…
Paul: I think the idea is that since the arm gun thing’s actually a part of the bomber’s body, it and anything associated with it can’t be considered a foreign object.
Paul: Then again, Pete Gas hasn’t exactly been doing a stellar referee job during this matchup…
Eric: Yeah okay, I’m buying that shooting discs out of your arm is a perfectly legal wrestling maneuver.
Eric: But finally, it looks like Mr. Gas decides to do his job.
Eric: It’s oover. OVER!
Paul: I’m not so sure it is, Eric! While Pete Gas’ hand hit the mat three times, Mega lifted 50 up once again at two! This match is still on!
Paul: But wait… no… no it’s not! Pete Gas is calling for the bell anyway!
Eric: Mega Man doesn’t look to pleased with that! Despite his victory he is verbally jawing with Gas!
Paul: Gas is shaking his head�this match is over, even if Mega Man wants to inflict more pain! Ring announcer Dawn Marie is making it official: The winner of this bout, via pinfall, is indeed Mega Man!
Eric: Mega Man raises his arms in victory! No wait….He slams them down around Pete Gas’s neck… and tosses him clear out of the ring! BY GAWD, what kind of celebration is this?!
Paul: Pete Gas tumbles to the ground and… BY GAWD, HIS SWEATER VEST IS TORN! But Mega Man is paying him no heed. He tries to pick 50 up again, but still can’t because of all the blood. Frustrated he lines up his shot again, and this could very well be the end of 50 Cent.
Eric: THINK OF THE CHILDREN, MEGA. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Paul: We’re fading to a black screen, so that must mean that’s all we’ve got for you this month in Digital Championship Wrestling!
Eric: Be sure to come back next week where you will undoubtedly be subjected to even more exciting and thrilling action, just like this!
Paul: If you’ve got a stellar match in mind for an upcoming edition of DCW, feel free to let us know! Otherwise leave us be, and we’ll bring the goods ourselves.
Eric: I ALWAYS bring the goods, so that wont be a problem at all… SLACKERS.
Paul: For “Captain” Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen saying goodnight, and please, for the love of Luigi, no more rap stars!