Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and we are coming to you LIVE from the DCW Arena to bring you tonight’s epic encounter!
Eric: And it is no doubt the biggest epic encounter of the month, Paul!
Paul: Every month it is, Eric! EVERY MONTH!
Eric: Well that is true, BUT this month our digitalized warriors are fighting with a purpose! Well… at least one of them is. I think.
Paul: I think you’re right, Eric! Jack Russell, star of the 2005 smash-hit RPG Radiata Stories, has a beef with a fellow videogame hero, and he’s hoping to work out their differences in the squared circle.
Eric: Err, yeah. Well whatever his name was, HE was the winner, and Mr. Russell didn’t exactly appreciate it.
Paul: Wander, man! From Shadow of the Colossus! You know you loved that game—I think you made it almost five minutes without dying, for once.
Eric: Yes, very few games do feature moments where I can live for an entire five minutes… but this is Jack Russell we are talking about! He was robbed! And he is here to show why! And it looks like the fighters are in the ring and awaiting the bell
Paul: Timekeeper Bull Buchanan rings the bell, and this match is underway!
Paul: Also gamefans, you might’ve noticed the giant pole sitting atop one of the turnbuckles. You know what that means! This isn’t just any ol’ match; this match is a…. something on a pole match! And that something just happens to be the Best New Character of 2005 Trophy!
Eric: Gamefans, eh? Wow….
Paul: Man, I’ve been using that one for MONTHS now. Can’t believe you haven’t noticed yet.
Eric: I have a tendency to ignore horribly lame cheesy phrases in hopes that they weren’t real. Sorry about that.
Paul: Whoever can climb that pole and grab the trophy can use it as a weapon, and whoever manages to do that will surely have victory locked up.
Eric: That trophy sure does look like it would leave a mark!
Paul: Sure does! Back to the match.
Eric: Get back in the ring!!
Paul: No, we aren’t! There’s a beam of light flowing from Wander’s sword, and he seems to be following it!
Eric: Doesn’t ANYONE give these guys a rule book?!
Eric: The ref! Couldn’t HE use some of these rules?! WHERE’S THE COUNT!
Paul: Pete Gas comes out of his daze! But he only gets to three as Wander wanders back into the ring, the light from his sword now pointing directly at Jack’s throat.
Eric: Wow, he really couldn’t figure out that weak spot on his own? This is going to be one long match….
Eric: Wander goes to strike at his target, but Russell is too fast for him and gets him into a grapple.
Paul: Wander drops his sword, and Pete Gas kicks it out out of the ring. Holy crap, did I just see that? Did our senior referee actually do something useful?!
Eric: It brings a tear to my eye…. I’m so proud of you Petey!
Eric: Jack turns the grapple into a reverse suplex!
Paul: You know he’s just showing off for all the WWE scouts in the crowed. By God if DCW alumnus Marty Jannetty can get a job, so can Pete freaking Gas!
Paul: Jack’s quick to his feat and drops the elbow straight to Wander’s sternum. Cover! One, two, almost had him! Jack’s looking to end this one early—he knows Wander’s a powerhouse who could end this bout at any moment.
Eric: Oh yes, every detail of Wander screams powerhouse.
Eric: Russell grabs him by his hair and gives him a few knees to the gut! Ouch.
Paul: And Wander’s just lying there! When’s this kid gonna try to get up?
Eric: Maybe… when he sees the light.
Eric: OUCH! That one just hurts…. What did you do to me!
Paul: Lead announcer Paul Franzen is still cracking up! He’s having trouble commentating as Jack Russell heads for the pole, in search of the trophy that might rightfully be his.
Eric: Wander is attempting to gather himself and get up. He is up to his knees but looking shaky.
Paul: Wander’s shaking out the cobwebs, and he’s doing his fruity little run right toward Jack, who’s climbing that pole like it’s a beanstalk!
Eric: Didn’t we just agree to stop those!
Eric: Jack HAS the trophy! And he’s jumped down on to the canvas. He is holding the trophy over his head and seems to be screaming something out loud… Radial Smash?!
Eric: Uhoh! He seems to be unleashing his super powered Volte blast right before our eyes!
Paul: Wander dives down to the canvas and covers his head with his hands, but it’s no use! Jack’s just DECIMATED the poor boy with his super attack move, and this match, GAMEFANS, could be over.
Eric: Wow! Look at that, the trophy just bounced right off Wander’s FACE and into the crowd! Jack may have just laid out Wander, but where is his elusive prize?
Paul: Jack just doesn’t know what to do now! Should he go after his trophy, or should he go after his win? He better decide soon, as ever second he spends thinking is a second Wander has to recharge!
Eric: He might have a more than a few seconds… I dont know how long it takes to recharge a caved-in face. But then again, I never had had my face caved in.
Eric: Jack dashes toward the audience in a frantic search for the trophy! But wait… WHAT is this! Someone is coming out of the crowd… trophy in hand! Who could this mysterious character be?
Paul: Bloody hell, why must this title always be in dispute?!
Eric: Look at Jack rush towards this strange new humanoid—it doesn’t look like he expects this title to be in dispute much longer! He is ready to take on ALL challengers.
Paul: Hey… that gives me an idea….
Eric: What’s this! Franzen! Get back in your seat! This is no time for a potty break!
Eric: It seems Paul has something very urgent to tell the ringer announcer
Paul: Okay Eric, check this out—you’ll LOVE it.
Ring announcer Dawn Marie: I’ve just been informed that this contest is now a Triple Threat match!
Eric: Oh boy…. I’m scared.
Eric: So who IS this new combatant!?
Dawn Marie: Between Jack Russell….
Dawn Marie: Wander…
Dawn Marie: And….
Dawn Marie: James POND!
Eric: James Pond?! He isn’t NEW by any stretch of the imagination!
Paul: Hasn’t he been around since the 16-bit era? I believe he got a good rating in Super Thumbs last month….
Eric: Well this eligibility dispute doesn’t seem to phase Jack as he grabs the robocod by the neck and tosses him into the ring, and THEN begins to climb to the top rope. What does he think he is doing?
Paul: Well he’s got Pond and Wander both lined up next to each other…. I can’t imagine he’s UP to any good!
Eric: Russell is standing on the top turnbuckle and imploring the crowd to chant louder.
Crowd: Let’s go Russell! Let’s go Russell!
Other parts of the crowd (louder): Let’s go Wander! Let’s go Wander!
Paul: This crowd is split between Russell and Wander, and poor James Pond isn’t getting any cheers at all
Paul: Probably because no one’s quite sure who he is.
Eric: Wait wait, I think I here very faint “YOU SUCK COD” chant…. That is really just uncalled for.
Eric: Russell is going for a Swanton of the top! He is aiming for BOTH of his competitors! This one could get messy.
Paul: Jack hits them both, and now he’s going for the pin on both!
Eric: Wander kicks out! But… the fish still lays helpless.
Paul: Three! Is that it? Is this match over?!
Eric: Hey, you made this match! You tell us!
Eric: Wander doesn’t seem to think it is!
Eric: He has just got up and has evil intent in his eyes… PAUL! Where are you running off to THIS time?! It’s no time to flirt with Ms. Marie!
Paul: Hah! I am brilliant. Listen!
Dawn Marie: I’ve just been informed that this match is elimination-style rules! James Pond has been eliminated, but Wander has not. Therefore… this match WILL continue!
Eric: What treachery! Russell wasn’t ready for this! Wander has the trophy lifted up high and has his eyes set on young Jack’s cranium.
Paul: He smacks Russell in the back with the trophy! Russell’s hunched over, and Wander is on the attack! He wraps his arms around Jack apparently going for a German suplex… but… no?? He pulls himself up the back of our RPG legend… and…
Paul: Yes, I do believe Wander is attempting to SCALE Jack Russell!
Eric: You can take the kid of out the game but you cant take the game out of the kid! Oor yeah, something lame like that! He is attempting to take down Russell just like he took down all those really really big stone things.
Eric: Jack is swaying back and forth trying to buck off his intruder.
Paul: Wander’s riding on Jack’s back as he stumbles around the ring! Wander’s looking to unsheathe his sword again, but no! He doesn’t have it! It’s still outside the ring! He’s whipping out his bow-and-arrow instead, taking aim at what we can only assume he sees as Jack’s weak point!
Eric: Jack is back to his senses now, and he doesn’t seem to like the look of an arrow point at his throat! Within the blink of the eye he drops his back to the floor, landing right on top of the bewildered Wander.
Paul: So much for that strategy! Pete Gas waddles over and kicks the bow-and-arrow away: If Wander’s gonna win this match, he’s gonna have to do it legitimately.
Paul: By which I mean, he’s gonna hafta whack Jack with that trophy.
Eric: Doesn’t get any more legit than that!
Eric: Both heroes on back on their respective feet… sort of, as they both seem to have the wind still knocked out of them.
Paul: We’ve got a face-off between these two most deserving characters! But it doesn’t last long as Wander jumps onto a turnbuckles and hits a springboard moonsault on the still-dazed Jack Russell!
Eric: With this newfound energy Wander begins to pummel the confused Russell with a barrage of punches to the face.
Paul: He jumps up and does a quick leg drop to Jack Russell, who… sits right up? A kick right to the head of the fallen hero, but Jack shakes it right off and now stands right back up!
Eric: Egads! What’s this, Jack’s eyes are rolling back into his head…. he reaches out and grabs Wander’s throat! BY GAWD is he going for a chokeslam?!
Paul: Chokeslam to Wander! Where is Jack getting this strength from??
Eric: It’s inexplicable!
Eric: He doesn’t seem done quite yet though Paul, as he stands over the fallen wander. He seems to be setting up… oh yes… this isn’t good for Colossus fans around the world. It’s the Tombstone piledriver!
Paul: Wander’s head comes crashing down to the canvas, and I do believe he’s been knocked out cold! Jack goes for the cover, but nothing’s gonna stop his victory now.
Eric: ONE… TWOO….
Paul: …who’s arms are those?!
Eric: Arms?! What arms!
Paul: The one’s trying to pull Jack off of Wander!
Eric: THREE! It doesn’t seem to matter, as Jack gets the win… but still….
Eric: Who IS that?
Paul: I think we all know who it is, Regan! It’s James Pond, seeking his revenge on the winner of this contest.
Eric: He doesn’t have arms! HE’S A DAMN FISH
Paul: He had arms in the game!!
Paul: They stretched!
Paul: DID YOU NOT PLAY?!
Eric: Fins with gloves! That’s all they are!
Paul: In any event, he’s wrapping his ARMS right around the throat of Jack! Doesn’t he know this match is over?!
Eric: You were eliminated, cod! No Best Character for you!
Paul: James Pond has taken Russell out with the Tazmission, and he’s laughing his way out of the arena, Jack’s trophy in hand.
Eric: If you make one “something fishy about this” joke, I swear I will impale you on a large spike.
Paul: Well that’s all we’ve got for you this month in Digital Championship Wrestling!
Eric: Be sure to come back next month for more digitastic wrestling action!
Paul: For the Captain I’m Paul Franzen saying goodnight, and enjoy the rest of GameCola!