Paul: We are LIVE here from the sold-out DCW Arena! Hello everyone I’m Paul Franzen, alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and tonight we’ve got YET ANOTHER great matchup for you. Isn’t that right, Eric?
Eric: Like you even have to ask! This truly amazing encounter is sure to leave our audience in awe for countless eons.
Paul: And there he is, folks: James Pond, carrying that damned “Best New Character of 2005” trophy he stole from Jack Russell just last month. By the look of that grin plastered all over his face you’d think he actually earned the title!
Eric: It’s cruel and unusual, Paul! I can’t bear to witness that horrendous sight.
Paul: Well personally Eric, I feel he could’ve earned the title legitimately, back in 1990 when he actually was a new character! But this is 2006, and James Pond is old news.
Eric: Ugh! Your words are making my ears bleed yet again; no WAY does he EVER deserve ANY kind of TITLE! Now, let’s just hope his opponent makes quick work of this imposter.
Paul: Speak of the scalded dog, there he is! Hailing from The Bouncer, that PS2 launch title that people forgot about almost immediately after it was released, it’s Kou Leifoh!
Eric: What game? That was on PS2? Truly amazing! I’m sure this super spy can get the job done.
Paul: How could you forget! It came out the same time as… uhh… Summner, that was a PS2 game, right? I don’t know, I think I was still busy with N64 then.
Paul: Actually, I think I’m still too busy with N64 now, for that matter.
Eric: You will one day beat Quest 64! Don’t give up hope!
Paul: Both our combatants are in the ring, the bell is going ding, and… shoot… nothing rhymes anymore…
Paul: Help me out, Eric!
Eric: No man! Just let it die. LET IT DIE. And with that the two warriors are at each others throats; this promises to be one intense battle.
Paul: Lockup, and Kou gets the advantage right away by picking his diminutive opponent up BY THE THROAT and SLAMMING him right down to the ring!
Eric: And throws in some swift kicks to the gut as well! Kou is off to a ferocious start.
Paul: Kou picks up Pond again, perhaps looking to land another chokeslam, but Pond’s too quick for him this time! Pond stretches his arms up, way way way up, grabbing onto the rafters above and quickly pulling himself out of harm’s way.
Eric: I’m not to sure about that Paul—those rafters aren’t the sturdiest things around.
Paul: He doesn’t seem to mind “hanging around” on them, Eric! And I must say, it’s quite humorous watching Kou jump and jump and jump, trying to reach Pond like he’s being held up in the air by someone much taller.
Eric: No, it’s not humorous at all. AT ALL.
Eric: Pond makes his move up, standing tall and then going for the rafter-born Five-Star Frog Splash! A risky maneuver with such a mobile opponent.
Paul: OH MY GOD! He got ALL of that one, with his chest landing directly on Kou’s skull, knocking them both down to the mat. How will EITHER of them get up from that?!
Eric: I JUST DON’T KNOW!! Oh wait, both combatants are back on their feet and appear ready for more.
Paul: No… wait… hang on, take a look at that, Eric! James Pond might be out of this match! He’s got a bloody freakin’ nose, and he doesn’t look like he wants to continue.
Eric: C’mon! A mere bloody nose? He can’t continue with a bloody nose?! I thought these were TOUGH digitized heroes, Franzen!
Paul: He’s motioning for referee Pete Gas to take a look at his nose, and they’re both considering Pond’s likelihood of making it through the match.
Eric: PUT A DAMN BAND AID ON IT! Let’s get this match rolling!
Paul: But wait! Kou sneaks up from behind and schoolboys Pond! One, two… ALMOST HAD HIM!
Eric: That Kou, always a sneaky one.
Paul: Kou’s quick to his feet and aims punch after punch at Pond’s nose, homing in on the Robocod’s weak point and gaining on his advantage.
Eric: The fish looks like he can barely stand! I’m not even sure he knows where he is anymore.
Paul: You’re not even sure he KNOWS where he is?!
Paul: That was a good one, man!
Eric: And down he goes! They do realize this isn’t a boxing match, right?
Eric: …a good what?
Paul: A good one!
Eric: Oh… god…
Eric: NO! NOOO that’s not what Imeant!!
Paul: Kou goes for the pin again… one, two, nope! Pond kicks out, with plenty still left in his tank.
Paul: He stretches his arms far out again, this time grabbing onto the turnbuckle and pulling himself to it, holding onto it like it’s some sort of security blanket.
Eric: A true spectacle of this cod’s cowardice! Fight back, damn you!
Paul: Kou levels Pond with a few spin kicks, but it’s not enough to break the cod’s stranglehold on the turnbuckle! He tries to rip Pond off the metal post, but to no avail—I don’t know if anything’s strong enough to budge James Pond.
Eric: Kick after kick to Mr. Pond’s spine! Nothing is loosening that vicegrip! This could turn out to be one disappointing match.
Paul: Has there ever been a time limit draw in DCW? We might be about to experience a first here, folks!
Eric: Don’t even bring that up! IT CANT BE! I’m sure SOMETHING with break up this deadlock.
Paul: Kou’s exiting the ring and walking to the other side of the ring post—apparently, he has an idea. Now he’s aiming his assault at the hands of James Pond, and, for the love of God, I hope that actually works.
Eric: Millicenter by millicenter, the fish seems to slowly lose his grip! He might actually have to resort to Plan B now Franzen.
Paul: Does he have a Plan B, Eric?
Eric: Uuuuuuuh… sure? I am not the one to be asking! The only man who knows is that bloody mess of a cod… who now is laying motionless in the center of the ring as Kou makes his way to the top rope.
Paul: He’s going for one of those high risk maneuvers! Boy, I love those. A spinning 670 falling dash headbutt dive from Kou to James, but the impact doesn’t even register with the fallen cod. He’s that out of sorts.
Eric: Kou shakes himself off and takes the opportunity to wrap up the ailing cod! Could this be the end of the diabolical imposter?!
Paul: Why it sure could… wait, hang on! Someone’s crawling out from under the ring! How’d he get there, anyway? Don’t we have a ring crew to sort out those ruffians?
Eric: HA ring crew, like we can afford one of those.
Eric: But who is this mysterious man, and what is he doing here!
Eric: This is a 1v1 match!
Eric: ONE V ONE!!
Paul: He looks a little familiar, Eric! And look, he’s gunning right for the Best Character trophy! If only I could see his face…
Paul: And now the bloody heap of a cod is back on his feet! He’s racing over to what he feels is rightfully his, and he snatches the trophy right up before the mysterious man can get his hands on it!
Paul: He shoots his arms up and goes back to the catwalk, where he’s gotta be safe from these ruffians.
Eric: That’s the most action we have seen from Pond all night.
Eric: But wait! The rafters are coming undone; it looks like.. oh no! IT’S COMING DOWN.
Paul: OH MY GOD! Parts of the DCW Arena are collapsing under the weight of a failed 90svideogame character! The rafters come CRASHING down to the arena floor!
Eric: Uh… perhaps we need to move this announcers’ desk somewhere… safeish.
Paul: Why? Just because that giant chunk of metal is about to HOLY CRAP I GOTTA GET OUTTA THE WAY RIGHT NOW.
Paul: Announcer Paul Franzen dives out of the way just as a giant chunk of metal crashes down just where he was sitting.
Eric: Kou and James are lost under the rubble! This is tragic! We NEED a winner!
Paul: Where’s Pete Gas? Where’s Dawn Marie? WHERE’S BULL BUCHANAN?! WE NEED SOME HELP OUT HERE, STAT.
Eric: I think they all ran out with the audience…
Eric: Wait, the mysterious man, he seems to have returned and is headed toward a shiny object under some of what used to be our ceiling.
Paul: Pushing rubble aside (and what appears to be a spleen, as well), JACK RUSSELL pulls out from the debris HIS Best New Character of 2005 trophy!
Eric: SPLEEN! BY GAWD I sure hope that wasn’t connected to someone we are liable for.
Paul: Jack stands atop the peak of the rubble and hoists his trophy high up into the ai,r amid the deafening cheers of his adoring fans, who… okay actually no, I’m lying, they’re all gone.
Eric: It’s the thought that counts though, right?
Eric: So we are left with a empty arena in shambles, our two combatants nowhere in sight and someone who wasn’t even supposed to be here clutching a trophy. What a success!
Paul: The official ruling for this match has gotta be a no-contest, due to… well, you figure it out. For Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen saying goodnight, and… uh… we might have a match for you next month, if we find somewhere to hold it. So long, everybody!