Figure Fours and Magic Eights: WWE WrestleMania XXII

Our predictions went five-for-eight at least year's WrestleMania, missing only a Money in the Bank mishmash, a Match of the Year candidate, and the main event. So basically, we nailed 'em all 'cept the ones that actually matter. No matter!

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WWE Smackdown vs. Raw for PS2 predicts what will happen at WrestleMania XXII!

Our predictions went five-for-eight at least year’s WrestleMania, missing only a Money in the Bank mishmash, a Match of the Year candidate, and the main event. So basically, we nailed ’em all, ‘cept the ones that actually matter. No matter! Let’s see if we can beat last year’s record this time around, as “Figure Fours and Magic Eights” presents:

WWE WrestleMania XXII!

Torrie Wilson vs. Candace Michelle in a Playboy Pillow Fight Standard One-on-One Matchup


This year’s opener went on for just over five minutes, meaning it lasted around four-and-a-half minutes longer than was necessary. Neither of these “divas” have any business in the ring, and they had no problem proving that once again tonight in a sub-par slap-fest made bearable only by Jerry “The King” Lawler’s lewd commentary. As Lawler put it, “You know what this match needs, J.R.? Jello!” Way to be, Jerry.

Winner: Torrie Wilson, via pinfall after a DDT at 5:19.

The Boogeyman vs. Booker T and Sharmell


In our second “holy crap, I didn’t even know this match existed until I checked” match of the evening, newcomer and all around wack-job The Boogeyman took on Booker T and Booker T’s wife Sharmell in a two-on-one handicap match. Sharmell never actually got involved in the match, so from bell-to-bell it was all Booker T and Booger G (HAHAHAHAHA). Sharmell did do a lot of taunting, but it takes more than taunting to take out someone of The Boogeyman’s caliber.

Winner: The Boogeyman, via pinfall after a Tombstone Piledriver at 3:52

Trish Stratus (def.) vs. Mickie James for the Women’s Championship


Featuring much less slapping and hair-pulling than our initial women’s encounter, this bout for the lady’s title showed us that, above all else, J.R. thinks that Trish Stratus and Mickie James are both men. The mistake is understandable with Mickie, as anyone who’s seen the foot fetish photos can attest. It (the match, not Mickie) also showed us a few grapples, a few submissions, and actual chain-wrestling. I was shocked.

Winner, and STILL WWE Women’s Champion: Trish Stratus, via pinfall after a Chick Kick at 6:16

Kane and The Big Show (def.) vs. Chris Masters and Carlito for the World Tag-Team Championship


Our “wacky mixed-up tag-teams made up of wrestlers who are too good for the tag-team division, and Chris Masters” match of the evening saw Kane and the Big Show defending the tag-team titles against Carlito and Chris Masters. Showing just how useful he can be, “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters spent most of this match standing on the ring apron and posing. Carlito showed off some flashy new moves he apparently picked up from Scott Steiner’s moveset (a shot at TNA, perhaps?), but one chokeslam was all it took to take out these challengers.

Winners, and STILL World Tag-Team Champions: Kane and The Big Show, via pinfall after a chokeslam at 8:01.

Chris Benoit (def.) vs. John “Bradshaw” Layfield for the United States Championship


Chris Benoit’s cheating ways might have been his downfall in this epic encounter. After hitting JBL with low blow after low blow, the supposed good guy in this match was toppled by a rare aerial maneuver from JBL, thus losing the title he’s only had for like a month. Finally out of the hunt for this lesser championship, perhaps now Benoit can focus on challenging the winner of tonight’s World title match! Or, perhaps he can go back to Velocity.

Winner, and NEW United States Champion: John “Bradshaw” Layfield, via pinfall after a top-rope Last Call at 8:37

Edge vs. Mick Foley in a Hardcore Match


Foley, dressed in his Mankind garb for this hardcore bout, wasted no time in taking the action outside the ring. For his part, Edge wasted very little, but not exactly no, time in bringing both a sledgehammer and a steel chair to the dance, neither of which he actually bothered to use. Weapons finally got involved for reals around the five-minute mark, and the match, for some reason or another, ended shortly thereafter.

Winner: Edge, via pinfall after an Educution at 5:25.

The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry in a Casket First Blood Match


Mark Henry beat the absolute snot out of the dead man for the first part of this match, looking like he was gonna end The Undertaker’s streak at 13, thus making history, and thus proving his point that even completely worthless, anti-talented slugs can make something of themselves if they join the WWE. However, the dead man mounted a comeback that, despite being meager, was enough to put away the World’s Strongest Man. I smell a rematch, though that could just be Mark Henry’s stank wafting through a cool spring breeze.

Winner: The Undertaker, via first blood after a powerbomb through a table at 6:45

6-Man Money in the Bank Ladder Hell in the Cell Match:
Lashley vs. Matt Hardy vs. Finlay vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Ric Flair


Very few people in this match decided to do anything interesting, choosing instead to just brawl with one another for ten minutes until someone was able to score a pinfall. Kind of like what happened last year. A few grapplers scaled to the top rope, and a few left the ring; but no one thought it’d be a terribly good idea to leave the ring and climb to the top of the cell. Ah well, there’s always next year.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin, via pinfall following a super kick to RVD at 9:42

Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. McMahon in a No Holds Barred Match


It was the Montreal Screwjob all over again (for, what, the 608th time now? Maybe it’s time to move on) in Chicago, as a referee who looked suspiciously like Earl Hebner made nothing but slow counts for the Heartbreak Kid until he had no other choice. While not a wrestling classic, or a brawling classic, or a sports entertainment classic, this match will be forever remembered in the annals of WrestleMania as a great bathroom break.

Winner: Shawn Michaels, via pinfall following a…no, that can’t be right… Stone Cold Stunner at 6:48.

Kurt Angle (def.) vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio for the World Heavyweight Championship


Deciding not to follow expectations or logic, Olympian Hero Kurt Angle and third-generation superstar Randy Orton double-teamed the 3’2″ Rey Mysterio until he couldn’t take anymore, tapping out to the weakest submission moves in Angle’s repertoire. This match went on for longer than any other in Figure Four’s history, which is saying a lot inasmuch as our average runtime is something around five minutes.

Winner, and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle, via submission to a headlock at 10:24

John Cena (def.) vs. Triple H for the WWE Championship


A total squash and the wrong man went over, if you understand wrestling lingo. If you don’t, here’s how it went down: John Cena beat the crap out of Triple H for a few minutes, and then pinned him for the easy win. These aren’t the results you’re looking for. I like to think Shelton cashed-in his Money in the Bank win shortly after this match was in the history books, but sadly, Smackdown vs. Raw doesn’t quite know how to simulate that.

Winner, and STILL WWE Champion: John Cena, via pinfall following an F.U. at 4:52

The matches are getting longer here in Figure Fours, but I fear the results are getting worse. What will the fates hold for us next time we hold this article? When will this article next be held? Find out in the future!

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