Paul: It’s Digital Championship Wrestling, live from something that is definitely not the DCW Arena! Hello everyone I’m Paul Franzen, alongside Eric “Sniffles” Regan, and tonight’s contest could become one of the most novel we’ve ever held.
Eric: Sniffles? You really are part of the problem, man.
Eric: I hope everyone brought their sweaters, because we are at our temporary new home…a lovely ice rink!
Paul: And our location is only suitable, considering tonight’s opponents! We’ve got DCW’s first ever tag-team match, and it’s pitting The Ice Climbers of Popo and Nana, seen most recently in Super Smash Bros. Melee, versus Chill Penguin and Blizzard Buffalo, those two icy villains from the world of Mega Man
Eric: …wait? What?! Really? Two gigantic robots versus a couple of schmos?! That’s the HUGE matchup you have lined up for this SUPER SIZED edition??
Paul: It’s not easy finding decent characters from snowy lands, you know! Who were we gonna get? The mama penguin from Mario 64? The ice elemental from Secret of Mana? There weren’t many options to choose from, and until we get a new arena, we’ll have to make do with the buildings we get and the grapplers that can grapple in them.
Paul: Popo and Nana are struggling a bit to get acclimated to this new environ—as used to the cold weather as they are, no one’s used to wrestling on ice.
Eric: Yeah, maybe you should have given the ring crew a heads up so they would have, like, not put ice up for this. I mean, we are a high quality production! Don’t we get to demand stuff!
Paul: Our superstars are finally stable, and Popo appears to be going for a headlock on Chill Penguin while Nana’s repeatedly kicking Buffalo in the shins. Good thing we didn’t allow ice skates for this encounter!
Eric: Unfortunately, the massive bots don’t seem to be having the same difficulty navigating this terrain—in fact, they seem totally oblivious to the fact they are even in a wrestling match!
Paul: Though, Buffalo is starting to get a little irritated at Nana’s repeated kickings.
Eric: Indeed he is, Paul! He has lifted his hand up…and throws the small lass straight up into the air!
Paul: Penguin (rather easily) breaks free of Popo’s VICIOUS headlock and plucks Nana right out of the air! He winds his arm back and swings it forward, bowling Nana to the other side of the rink and leaving Popo alone with the two boss machines.
Eric: Popo is not one to be intimidated and bounces himself off the ropes, heading straight towards the metallic nightmares that are waiting for him!
Paul: An attempted double dropkick to the two bots, but they don’t even feel it! But while Po’s got the two bad guys distracted, Nan’ sneaks up from behind and rolls up Penguin!
Paul: One, two… almost had him!
Eric: Wow! I didn’t even think she was capable of that! Very impressive.
Paul: I think that might’ve been yet another lazy count by senior referee Pete Gas.
Eric: Well if you wouldn’t keep giving him raise after raise for his shoddy performances, maybe he wouldn’t be so lazy! You’re a damn enabler; that’s what you are, Franzen!
Paul: Well, he did hang out with us for a few hours after last month’s epic match, helping to clear all that’s left of our fallen arena.
Eric: That was Rodney…begging for a job, you blind fool!
Eric: Uh oh! Nana has pulled out the Ice Climbers’ favorite weapon…the MALLET! And I am not so sure her intentions are pure.
Paul: But Chill Penguin appears to be going for a weapon himself—The “Shotgun Ice,” a weapon found in his level of Mega Man X and used to smite….well, I’m guessing some sort of fire beast.
Eric: Hmm that sounds awfully like the Ice Shot, one of the Ice Climbers’ favorite special moves!
Eric: And it was Fire mandrill! No wait…that was Battletech…Flame Mammoth! YES! It was Flame Mammoth.
Paul: Popo’s taking aim with the Ice Shot, and he fires! Right at the unweaponed Blizzard Buffalo! But Buff’s quick to pull out his Frost Shield, deflecting the shot and sending it hurtling towards Nana.
Eric: I have never seen so many foreign objects in use during one match! If only we had rules against such things….
Eric: We gave him training? I must have had my 15 minute break then.
Eric: Total MAYHEM ensues, and both robots are raining down countless ice attacks…onto the ice rink. DIABOLICAL.
Paul: How could any one man keep order in such CHAOS?? Let alone a man who appears to be taking a solid nap in the stands?!
Eric: Tatanka could have done it.
Paul: The frost is starting to settle now, Sniffles, and I can just make out what’s going on…
Eric: Call me sniffles one more time, maan! DOO IT I DARE YOU.
Eric: Thankfully, I actually have some eyes and can see the small ice children are frantically running circles around the large robots. What could these mean?
Paul: I’ve only ever read about this technique, Sniffles—I’ve never seen it before in person!
Eric: Technique? You mean they actually planned for this?!
Paul: Wouldn’t you plan out some strategy when OH MY GOD!, THE UTTER PAIN OF IT ALL!!!!
Eric: Well usually when you plan a strategy, you would want it to be effective. And useful.
Eric: DEAR GOD! Why is there a knife sticking out of your left eye, Paul!
Paul: MY FREAKING EYE! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUUUUUTTT!!
Eric: Oh jeez, you damn baby.
Eric: THERE, is that better!? The tiny little knife has been removed from your eye.
Paul: I CAN SEE AGAIN!!! It’s a MIRACLE. A freakin’ miracle.
Paul: And I have only you to thank, my dearest Sniffles.
Paul: Popo and Nana seem to be finished running around in circles, and now they’re getting away from the two bots as quickly as a hiccup! What could this mean?!
Eric: They have realized their best course of action is to get the hell out of there?
Paul: They’d better watch out for the countout! And the DQ for that matter, but I guess it’s a little late for that call.
Eric: Yeah, who needs officiating!
Paul: This match won’t ever end without it, Sniffles!
Eric: OH GOD! The mavericks seem to finally be fed up with the ice kids and have taken to the air! Such heights! I didn’t think they could get up that high.
Paul: And they come crashing down hard onto the ice, missing their opponents by a few feet. But wait, I’m not sure hitting their opponents was even their objective! Their crash has caused the ice to split right down the middle, with both halves sinking slowly into the icy waters.
Paul: And here I had no idea ice rinks actually had water underneath them. Learn something new every play, I suppose.
Eric: OUCH! You’re just too much tonight, Paul.
Eric: Well I guess that is the kind of FINE venues we book! It’s not a ice rink at all—it’s a glorified pond! Where do you find this stuff!
Eric: Of course, this isn’t a good sign for the LARGE METAL robots; I am not so sure they are the most buoyant of creations.
Paul: But it’s not so good for the Ice Climbers, either—that water is deadly cold!
Eric: Indeed, there is not much time left for them! They are going to need a miracle to escape the icy death trap .
Paul: Both the mavericks and the ice kids are sliding quickly to an icy death! Both teams are approaching the waters, but right as they reach the edge Popo and Nana leap onto the heads of the two bots!
Eric: A cunning maneuver indeed! But wait! They aren’t jumping OFF the heads of the robots; what could be wrong?!
Paul: If they don’t jump soon they’ll all sink, and I’m not sure the DCW rulebook knows how to deal with this!
Eric: But they cant! Their feet are frozen to the cold metal beasts!
Paul: Popo and Nana are trying desperately to extricate themselves from the heads of their opponents, but it’s no use! All of tonight’s warriors are sinking to the icy depths of this hockey rink.
Eric: OH THE HUMANITY! Isn’t there anyone that can save this train wreck! ANYONE?!
Paul: Wait, what’s this?? I see the Climbers emerging back up from the waters…still attached to the robots, no less!
Paul: They’ve all popped back up, and…they appear to be…YES, on the back of a dolphin!
Paul: And no, Sniffles, that’s not just any dolphin.
Paul: That’s Ecco THE Dolphin, who in my opinion was robbed out of a win at the Dino Riki Invitational this year!
Paul: Ecco has saved the day for us all! Hooray!
Eric: This makes no sense….
Eric: My head…it’s…going to explode….
Paul: He’s smiling and waving his fins at the cameras as confetti falls from the ceiling and an orchestra strikes up his videogame’s theme.
Eric: WHY!! Why didn’t the giant robots just smash the lil’ things and that was then end of it!
Eric: WHHY OH WHY?!
Eric: *sniffles* why did I have to witness such insanity….
Paul: Meanwhile, tonight’s grapplers are still frozen to each other and just sort of lying there off to the side of the rink.
Paul: But one set is rolling on top of the other, and Pete Gas is on the ball! One, two…three!
Paul: But who got the win??
Paul: Popo and Penguin were both on top and were both pinning their opponents shoulders to the ground!
Eric: Well, who ever Petey declares will probably be the least deserving candidate.
Paul: And… I gotta wonder WHY that pinfall counted, as it wasn’t even inside the ring.
Eric: To be fair, we don’t really have a inside or outside of a ring anymore.
Paul: Pete’s picked up Penguin and Popo and set them to their feet… or at least, Penguin’s at his feet.
Paul: And he’s raising… both of their hands??
Eric: They aren’t even on the same team!
Eric: You cant just create new teams, Pete!
Paul: Meanwhile, back in the rink, Ecco’s calling for a microphone!
Eric: Awesome! Talking dolphins!
Paul: Ring announcer Dawn Marie’s tossing one to him… let’s see what this dolphin has to say!
Eric: I sure hope he knows English….
Eric: Oh god, what’s this now?
Ecco: I’m calling you out, Cecil!
Ecco: You know DAMN WELL I was never eliminated from that battle royal!
Eric: I guess he has his own agenda, eh Paul? He didn’t give a damn about the Ice Climbers!
Ecco: I don’t FREAKING HAVE FEET. YOU CAN ONLY BE ELIMINATED BY YOUR FEET TOUCHING THE GROUND, and that never happened!
Ecco: So Cecil! Next month, here, in this very ring… I’M CHALLENGING YOU TO A MATCH.
Paul: Strong words from the talking dolphin, eh Sniffles?
Eric: Strong but foolish words, Paul. Strong but foolish.
Ecco: You and me, Cecil! One on one! Don’t be a [censored], Cecil! I’ll see you there.
Paul: Ecco waves to the crowd once more, a few remaining bits of confetti drop to the ice, and he dives back down, going only God knows where.
Eric: I sure hope its hell! Damned dolphins.
Eric: Does Ecco really believe he has any right to claim victory! He doesn’t have feet! Did he just expect them to hand him over the win because he’s a damn dolphin?
Eric: Disgraceful! JUST DISGRACEFUL.
Paul: Well you heard it here first, folks! Next month we’ll have Ecco versus Cecil, and who KNOWS where the match will even take place! Our arena won’t be finished by then, but I have a feeling we won’t be allowed back here after what we did to the rink.
Eric: No mortal creation can handle the pure DESTRUCTICITY of DCW!
Paul: And that about does it for Digital Championship Wrestling this month!
Eric: Come back next month and see the total obliteration of one annoying dolphin! OH HELL YEAHS.
Paul: And I’m still not really sure who won this match… apparently it was Chill Penguin and Popo…but….
Paul: Oh well!
Paul: For Sniffles I’m Paul Franzen saying goodnight, and we’ll see you again next month!