Tearing a new anus into the worst coverart of today’s videogames.
So we’re back again this month taking another well-deserved stab at bad game art. ‘Twas fun before, right? So what three games are getting the stoning treatment this month, you ask? Well there were so many to pick from, and it was hard to narrow it down to just three, but here goes! And as a powerful group of individuals once said “Strike hard, strike first, no mercy sir!”
True Crime: Streets of LA (PS2, MXB)
First, let’s point out the obvious…this guy wants to be Neo so bad that he can feel it in his pants. Second, why in the hell would you bother putting in-game graphics on the front cover when the game itself doesn’t even look that good? His pointer finger is crooked and irks me… but not as much as the cliche “looking down the barrel of a gun” concept. Like this hasn’t been overdone since the early 80s!
Usually when covers decide not to go balls out, they end up looking pretty good. Sadly, this one must have fallen off the welcome wagon onto a pile of sharp rocks infected with some unknown virus we have yet to discover a cure for. I’ll give it credit for the cool filtering they did putting the map lines in the logo, but I take that credit away because…well, because I can.
I know I should only be dropping a deuce on the front cover, but the back only shows white people! Are they racist? I mean, you and I both know that only about 12 white people live in L.A. anyway…is Activision trying to tell me that all 12 of them will wind up getting their asses handed to them by this cop and his addiction to violence? Does this cop only beat up on white people? I guess they dropped their racist ways by adding a black guy on the cover of True Crime: New York while still using the same asinine cover concept. Some people never learn. I’ve heard “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” but I guess the same goes for “If you’re broke, you can’t fix it.” Get a loan, boys.
Sphinx and the Cursed Mummy (GCN)
I KNEW IT! I’ve had this long-standing bet with my best friend, and this cover proves my point in spades!: Egyptians DID use lightsabers. I wonder if THQ had to get rights from Mr. Lucas to use this blatant rip-off of a space-aged weapon?
I think they rocked this guy with some eyeliner, some pink stuff and a sweet Pharaoh costume trying to catch the eye of today’s glam-rock Egyptian youth. Hell, everyone needs to hit their target audience, right? Maybe all seven of them who exist actually bought the game. And since every Egyptian glam-rocker needs a skinny sidekick, the “Cursed Mummy” HAD to be added. I bet he’s naked under those wraps…but that’s a whole new column. File this under “S” for “Suckage of the 3rd Kind.”
Blade Dancer (PSP)
Wait…is this cover even finished? This has got to be one of the laziest covers EV4R! It reminds me of some old action film like Red Sonja…or something with Arnold Schwarzeneggorcapuss, or however you spell it. I could understand if the lead character (which I’ll pretend is the manly figure in the background) was flashy or sported some Armor of Assbusting +4…but he’s pretty boring. Yeah, he has some red stuff on his face to separate him from an NPC, but in the future everyone has something on their face. Trust me, I’ve been there.
I think the thing that makes me laugh the most is the elven archer drawing back her bow ready to feather anything that moves in the sky… but they forgot to draw on the bow string. Oops. Maybe it shoots invisible arrows…or maybe not even arrows. Maybe it shoots out hookers from another dimension that explode on contact and have an alternate firing option so they launch out of space and moonsault on people like Christopher Daniels. Somehow, I doubt it. But if it turns out to be true, I assure you I was bugged while typing this out and I expect royalties from whoever the hell created this P.O.S.
So stay tuned for Blade Dancer: The Invisible Hooker Bow coming soon for the PSP!