With all the quality reviews, delightful columns, and hard-hitting game journalism you can find here at GameCola, it’s sometimes hard to believe that the site’s written by regular people like you and me, and not a race of evolutionarily advanced superhumans. To help bridge this divide between staff and reader, we’ve set up this column so you can get a look at our staff’s personal opinions on serious issues. Serious issues like the following:
This month’s question was submitted by GameCola’s Grand Poobah Paul Franzen, and it is:
What Videogame Character Would You Most Like To Be?
Baron Von Blubba, Bubble Bobble
He’s a flying, ghostly whale of death that has his own creepy theme tone and lives only to stalk people until he kills them. So not much different from how I live my life now—except I’d be able to fly!
She’s smart, strong, funny, helps people and animals, and makes the world prettier. And she’s a wolf. And a goddess. That’s basically as awesome as you can get!
(Lizo is a Staff Editor and the former author of “testgame.exe: Making the Adventure.”)
Immortal, omniscient, omnipresent, and snarky—the ultimate power trip. Able to create and destroy worlds simply by saying it to be so. I see a lot of myself in the narrator from Zork, actually. I’m permanently toggled on to Verbose, I follow people around the kitchen announcing everything they do, and the words “responsibility,” “work,” and “hygiene” are not in my vocabulary.
Ethan Kairos, Time Hollow
Dude has a magical pen that lets him open up wormholes in space and travel back in time—how awesome is that? …He also may or may not have the hots for his cousin, but we’ll ignore that part. (Besides, it’s not incest; it’s Japanese!)
Merchant, Final Fantasy X or XII
Not to be a cop-out, but I think I’d like to be one of the NPC merchants in FFXII or FFX. I like both of those universes, and I feel like being a barkeep or whatever would mean that you could get all the fun stories of adventure without actually having to face down any enemies. Of course, I’d wind up with 999 pebbles, but that’s the price you pay for vicarious adventuring. 😛
(Kate is the author and illustrator of “The Gates of Life.”)
If I had to be a videogame character, I’d be Mr. Chin from Mr. Chin’s Gourmet Paradise and Thunder & Lightning. He only has three functions: eat, hit a ball with a paddle, and not pay taxes. Sounds like a dream life to me. Also, I believe in the arcade version of Thunder & Lightning, scantily-clad women seem to adore him even though he’s a fat guy. Oh, hmmm… I don’t want to have to deal with obesity and always wear red…
OK, scrap that. I’ll be that guy on the cover of Anticipation for the NES. He looks so damn happy!
(Jeff is the author of “Gamera Obscura.”)
Eddie Wachowski, SSX Tricky
The character I would most like to be would be Eddie Wachowski from SSX Tricky, because he looks like this:
And says things like “rock and roll,” “sweet nectar” and “I think I just made yellow snow.” I’m so in love with him I could chew his beard off like that zombie cannibal did to that homeless guy in Miami.
Evo, Space Station Silicon Valley
Who doesn’t want to be a microchip? I want to be Evo. He is a robot who finds himself disconnected from his robot body. As a microchip, he has the ability to implant himself into the robotic animals that inhabit Space Station Sillicon Valley, and then utilise their hard-coded genetic abilities to solve a number of ludicrous puzzles. Face it, you’ve always wanted to be able to get inside of animals, haven’t you? No, not you, Tom Green.
Kratos?, God of War
Um… I don’t know, Kratos?
(Daniel is the author of “Don’t Be That Guy.”)
Oh, man. I’d totally want to be Metroid. He’s one of my favorite characters. Being a space bounty hunter and killing space aliens and doing flips and rolling up into a ball and stuff? A real man isn’t afraid to be alone on an alien planet, surrounded by bug things that fly back and forth or jump from the ceiling at you. It would be cool to be a manly space bounty hunter like Metroid.
Have a question you’d like answered in a future Q&AmeCola? Ask below in the comments, and your question just might make the next edition.