Cheat Codes for Life

Zack Huffman offers advice about gaming girlfriends, sharing memory cards, and more.

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KHIIOn the date of August 24th, 2005, I was caught with my pants down in front of a cop car that had been set on fire, while holding a book of matches in one hand and a tank of gasoline in the other. As part of my community service, I’ve been ordered to bestow my vast knowledge upon the gaming masses.

Dear Zack,

My girlfriend came to visit me for the weekend, and all she wants to do is play my videogames. (Kingdom Hearts II, specifically, if you want to know.) I can’t get her to do anything else —she doesn’t wanna watch TV, go out, play a game with me or anything else. What should I do?

Bass Ackwards

Dear Bass Ackwards,

You see? You see?! This is what they fucking do. These damn women use you. All of them do it.

If they’re not using you for your videogames, they’re using you for your booze. Then, all of a sudden, they’re getting into your pain pill stash, and before you know it she’s on a three-week-long frenzied booze and drug binge which ultimately results in her doing all your blow off of the ass of some other guy while her illegitimate kids are left with old corn chips and chocolate syrup for food in the other room of her apartment. These poor bastards are starving while being forced to wonder if the moans they’re hearing are from the bad man who’s hurting mommy.

But you don’t find any of this out until after the fact, because as soon as her binge starts you can’t get ahold of her. When you finally do find her, it’s three weeks later and she’s calling you from Bullock County Prison, in fucking Alabama, because she blacked out and woke up in jail for alleged assault and on multiple possession charges. Then she has the fucking gall to ask you to post bail, and you know what? You do it too, like a fucking imbecile. Because you honestly believe that you and her still have a chance. You even send her some more of your hard-earned cash through Western Union, because she’s somehow convinced you that she needs it to get home.

Instead of coming home, the fucking bitch takes your cash and uses it to buy a bunch of crystal meth, which, once again, lands her in jail. And if you think I’m going to fucking bail you out a second time, you’re fucking kidding yourself. That was all of my savings, even what I had inherited from grandma, and now it’s gone because of you!

So tell her to knock it off while she’s visiting, and in exchange you’ll loan her the damn game. But watch your cash, because they’re all fucking vultures just waiting for the kill.


Dear Zack,

My sister and I share a PlayStation and all of its accessories. Recently I’ve wanted to take our memory card to a friend’s house so I could use my save data there. Problem is, she won’t let me. I wasn’t going to be gone for long, and it’s not like she needed it right then anyway; but she threw a huge fit about it, so I just gave up.

I could just buy a new memory card, but they’re pretty expensive. How can I get her to actually share custody, rather than hog it all?

– Twisted Sister

Dear Twisted Sister,

It’s true that PlayStation tends to have expensive accessories. I’ve had to replace my Playstation 2 controller for months now, but I haven’t been willing to shell out the $20 that the videogame stores around here charge for even a used one.

The next time you plan on going over to a friend’s house and want to bring along your memory card, just quietly sneak it out. It shouldn’t be too difficult considering how small it is. If you’re right about your sister not needing it while you are gone, then she probably won’t even miss it.

On the off chance that she busts you because she actually was going to use it, offer to make a deal with her. Since you both own that memory card, then you should both split the cost of a new one.

You should also consider trying one of the less-expensive, third-party memory cards. The plain 8-meg memory card for the PS2 isn’t too difficult for those companies to duplicate. I personally only own one memory card, and it was made by a third-party company called Mad Catz. After about five years of constant use, my memory card is still going strong.


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About the Contributor

From 2005 to 2007

Zack Huffman is a former staff member from GameCola's early days as a monthly email newsletter.

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